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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25050262">Bottled Up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoemAboutCitylights/pseuds/PoemAboutCitylights'>PoemAboutCitylights</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Formula 1 RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Don't worry too much though, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, London, M/M, Some angst, also brocedes drama just because, coffee shop AU, idiots being idiots being idiots, idiots to lovers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:47:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>50,000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25050262</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoemAboutCitylights/pseuds/PoemAboutCitylights</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Max flees from Amsterdam, he finds a new home at a coffee-shop in London, where he meets his co-worker Dan. Now what he did not expect were the homophobic thoughts that arise in him each time he sees Daniel flirt with other men. </p><p>spoiler: plot twist</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>(IMPLIED), Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Fernando Alonso/Jenson Button, Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>419</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 1</strong>
</p><p>To say that Max felt a little overwhelmed by the sensations would probably have been an understatement. He was standing in the middle of the street, with a bus fourth his size honking at him because <em>of course</em> he had been looking into the wrong direction before crossing the road right where Liverpool Street Station had spit him out. He knew that rush hour was still hours ahead, and yet he was already surrounded by a type of <em>busy</em> that Amsterdam couldn’t even master in the evening traffic. He hurried to get to the other side of the street, where he was pushed aside by people running in and out of a Tesco, and took a deep breath once he had his back against the cool wall of a building, head hitting the stone with a small sigh.<br/><br/>He was already late, had no idea where to go because his internet connection was dying on him since he’d left the underground, it looked like it was about to start raining any minute and all in all, he wouldn’t have been able to imagine a more unpleasant first day in London.<br/>He didn’t even want to be in this <em>stupid</em> city with <em>stupid</em> people with <em>stupid</em> <em>fucking</em> rain that was still in <em>stupid</em> Europe and wasn’t New York or Singapore or basically any other city on the other side of an ocean that would have brought him away from his dad just once.<br/><br/>He had dreamed of getting away once and for all, of not coming back, like Vic had done when she’d went away. But he had been kicked out of the house before he had been able to do anything with his life, really, and when Chili had said that he had an uncle who was always looking for willing work-and-travellers to help out at his place, Max had agreed. Better a shitty time 357,43 km away from his dad than having to share a city, or even, a <em>country</em> with him and feel his scrutinizing gaze all over him 24 hours a day. He hadn’t been able to <em>breathe</em> in Amsterdam anymore, not with everything that had happened, and he had been more than glad when the opportunity to get away for real had arisen.<br/><br/>But now that he was actually here, with the first drops of rain hitting his styled hair, lost between Tesco and a KFC, Max couldn’t shake the feeling that he didn’t really think this through. That he had only ever been to London once, on a school trip, and that he had <em>hated</em> it. He had wanted to make it to Singapore or L.A. or just any place with rooftop bars and hot girls in short dresses and the sudden realization that he’d be stuck here, in the cold, working all day, was a bit of a… bummer.<br/>He could hear his dad’s voice in his head, could see the smirk on his lips if he’d be able to see Max now, could feel his amused gaze burning on his skin, the way he’d say “I told you so” before his face would take the sharp lines of disappointment.<br/><br/>Max grit his teeth, so hard he could hear them grinding, and straightened his back.<br/>How fucking hard could it be to find this goddamn shop? He unlocked his phone once again, discovering that the supermarket provided customers with wifi and – once connected with the system – followed his phone’s instructions.<br/>He passed a place that read “Old Spitalfield Market” on his way, turned around a few corners and pushed past some tourists until he found himself in a semi-busy street with a couple of restaurants, pubs, something that looked like an outlet store to him, and a club that was obviously closed at this hour of the day.<br/>He looked at the storefront photo Chili had sent him before he’d boarded the plane and compared it to the place on the other side of the street. Shrugging his shoulders, Max crossed the road and examined the business from the outside.<br/><br/>The wooden storefront with huge windows that almost went all the way down to the pavement was painted in a dark shade of olive that almost seemed anthracite and some of the warm light spread by rustic lamps hanging from the ceiling made it outside, drawing Max to step inside.<br/>Hesitating, he opened the door, which made a jingly sound, and entered the coffee shop that was basically everything he had expected a metropolis café to be.<br/>Old, yet trendy wooden floorboards creaked faintly under his shoes, and his gaze wandered through the room which was illuminated in warm light.<br/>By the large windows, there were several groups of tables and chairs, some assembled with lounge furniture with emerald green velvet fabric, a mixture of materials from bright, new wood one could almost still smell to artificial dark metal and copper decorations. On the other side of the store, there was the shop counter, half wooden, half covered in small white tiles – the same kind that covered the back of the store, copper coloured lamps hanging from the ceiling to illuminate the work area with coffee machines and a showcase with several baked goods and sandwiches.<br/><br/>The coffee shop was about half full, with chatter filling the room, the scent of roasted coffee beans and sweet somethings filling the air.<br/>Max instantly liked the place, that much he couldn’t deny. But he wasn’t here for a macchiato and a cupcake – he was here to work. And he was late, on his very first day, which didn’t exactly help with his mood. Now he had to go and find this uncle of Chili, of whom he didn’t even know his full name (“he goes by Nando!”).<br/>Somewhat embarrassed by his own time management, Max stepped towards the counter, his gaze falling on a man with dark hair that had his back turned to him and was currently cleaning one of the machines. His physique resembled the picture of this Nando that Carlos had shown him and the dark hair fit as well.<br/>Max awkwardly cleared his throat to grab the man’s attention, who just raised his hand in a “one moment” kind of way, keeping Max waiting with his weight shifting back and forth from one leg to the other.<br/><br/>When the guy wearing an olive-coloured apron that matched the storefront eventually did turn around, Max felt a bit taken aback. First, because this definitely wasn’t the man from Chili’s picture, and second, because the guy now standing in front of him was grinning at him with the widest smile Max had ever seen on a human being and oh my god, didn’t that hurt?<br/>The guy had curly black hair and kind brown eyes, a bit of a big nose and arms and hands covered in several tattoos. He looked South-European to Max – another one of Chili’s cousins?<br/><br/>His gaze dropped to the curly head’s name tag, but before he had the chance to read the name, the guy asked “What can I get you?” and made Max’s gaze snap back up.<br/>Something about the way he had said these words didn’t ring true to Max’s ears – that definitely wasn’t a British accent, neither was it a Spanish one, and therefore caught Max’s curiosity, as it didn’t sound European at all.<br/><br/>“I’m Max,” Max eventually said, as if that explained everything, and the guy behind the counter – now that Max had the chance to read the tag – who was apparently named Daniel, just raised one eyebrow in amusement.<br/>“G’day Max. I’m Dan. What can I get you?”<br/>“N-no,” Max said, cursing himself for making the word come out stuttering, “I’m here to see Nando?”<br/>“Oh, I see,” Dan nodded, cleaning his hand with his apron before he reached it out, over the counter, “you’ve gotta be the Dutch guy, right?”<br/>The Dutch guy.<br/>“I think so?”<br/>“Nando told me you’d have your first day today,” Dan smiled, another one of these gigantically big smiles that seemed surprising unnatural and natural at the very same time.<br/>“How was the flight?”<br/>“Uhm-…” Max made, caught by surprise by the non-work-related question, “okay, I think?”<br/>The Dan guy chuckled softly, “I reckon you think a lot.”<br/>“Uh….”<br/><br/>Dan laughed and he leaned back against a coffee machine, “Don’t worry. I think Fernando will be back some time later in the day, until then I can show you where everything is, okay?”<br/>Max nodded silently, swallowing a lump that had formed in his throat. This Dan was a bit overly cheery for Max’s taste and he also didn’t know what to make of his ever-lasting megawatt smile.<br/>Dan made a gesture telling him to follow him behind the counter and through a transit that lead into another room only opened for staff, with a small kitchen, several chairs, cupboards, brooms, and lots of other stuff. There was also a circular staircase leading upstairs, which was covered in plants.<br/>“This is where you can get your apron,” Dan explained to him and pulled a folded piece of fabric out of a cupboard, handing it to Max, “I think this one should fit.”<br/>He then explained to him that it was fine to wear his own clothes underneath, as long as they were all – or at least mostly – black.<br/>“Normally, Nando and Dave are here as well, with Dave working the kitchen shift at this hour of the day, but he’s called in sick today and Nando is currently shopping for groceries.”<br/><br/>He then followed the other guy, who seemed to be at least several years older than him, back into the café.<br/>“Have you ever worked as a barista before?”<br/>Max shook his head and bit back the “I don’t even like coffee”.<br/>“Okay, well. It takes some time to learn how everything works, but you’re lucky that you’ll be assisting my shifts for the next couple of days. I’m a good teacher,” Dan said and smiled again. Max wasn’t so sure if it was meant to be reassuring. All it did was leave him a bit confused.<br/>“Where are you staying?”<br/>“Uh,” Max was momentarily confused by the question, having expected something more work-related, and Dan repeated his sentence.<br/>“I’ll be staying with… Fernando? At least as long as it needs to find another place.”<br/>He pointed at the bag of clothes he had brought with him.<br/>“Ah, okay! How long do you wanna stay in London, then?”<br/>“Um,” Max made, instantly feeling uncomfortable while he could feel his cheeks flushing, “I don’t know yet.”<br/>Dan, who had obviously sensed his discomfort, shot him a curious glance but didn’t push the subject, for which Max was thankful.<br/><br/>“C-can you show me how to work the machines?”<br/>That made Dan chuckle again, a dark rich sound that didn’t really fit his big smiles.<br/>“Now, you’re quite eager to work, aren’t you?”<br/>“Well, I’ve already come in late, so…” Max mumbled, his cheeks still burning hot. His words drew another soft laugh from the older guy.<br/>“Dude, this is a café run by a Spaniard. Clocks run different here.”<br/><br/>Max shot Dan a tentative smile, nodding slowly.<br/>“Although I’ve gotta say that nothing works here without someone making sure stuff gets done, so I really appreciate you wanting to be punctual,” Dan added, the corners of his mouth once again twitching and eventually curling up into another smile.<br/>“Man, I’m really happy to finally have a co-worker again! Single shifts suck.”<br/>Without a warning, Max got pulled into a loose hug, with Dan clapping his back once, before he was released again.<br/>“I’m sure we’ll make a great team, Maxy.”<br/><br/>Max nearly choked on the nickname he hadn’t been called by since he’d been a child, a half-hearted smile playing on his lips.<br/>He wasn’t sure what to make of this Daniel-dude and if he wasn’t depended on this job, then he would have told him to cut the <em>Maxy</em>-bullshit immediately.<br/>But with the way things were, Max was – at least for the moment – stuck at this place, with a co-worker who apparently had challenged the sun herself to a duel.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so....<br/>this is the first chapter of my latest work. </p><p>Please let me know what you think in the comments and leave kudos if you liked it.<br/>Thank you so much for reading!<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Daniel is helping you learn, no?” asked the man that Max had met about half an hour ago, when he had entered the coffee shop in a way that had given off hurried vibes, while he had actually been strolling. Reflective sunglasses on, dark hair styled in a wave, the man had undoubtedly been Chili’s uncle, carrying several bags of groceries for the café. The Spaniard had reminded Max a lot of his best friend and – knowing Chili’s parents – he couldn’t help wondering if little Carlos had wanted to be just like his uncle, imitating the way that he said things and how his hands moved rapidly when he spoke.<br/><br/>“Yes, he seems like a nice bloke,” Max answered, setting down his heavy bag on the floor of the small room in Fernando’s flat above the café, windows facing a narrow backyard. It contained nothing more than a bed, a wardrobe and a desk with a chair, but it would do. Max was somewhat glad that it wasn’t as colourful as the rest of the shop owner’s flat seemed to be.<br/>He had wondered what Chili’s uncle would be like, if his leadership style was that of an iron fist or if he was as humorous as his best friend himself was, always a joke on his lips.<br/>The arrangement included that Max worked at the shop and helped Fernando with other tasks, while he could stay at his place and was handed some pocket money in return. And with the housing prizes in this area of London, Max was aware that it was a rather good deal – if this hadn’t been the fastest and therefore only solution for him to leave Amsterdam but his actual intention.<br/><br/>“He is,” Fernando said, nodding along, while leaning against the door frame. The way that he scrunched up his nose, watching Max examining the room gave the Dutch a warm feeling that he couldn’t quite place – maybe it was simply the fact that someone seemed to care about him having a good start.<br/>“So, now you know your room, no? I showed you the kitchen and bathroom. There is other room for guests and my bedroom, both private, of course,” the Spaniard spoke with a heavy accent that most Spanish-speakers never really seemed to lose, but Max liked the sound of it. It reminded him of Chili.<br/>“Thank you,” he said, and got a warm smile in return.<br/>“You welcome,” Fernando paused, “I work evening shifts but you can come downstairs if you want. Some friends usually come over.”<br/>Max nodded, “Thank you, maybe I will join you later. I, uh, would like to unpack first.”<br/>“Por supesto!”<br/><br/>Fernando raised his hand in a goodbye-manner and then disappeared down the stairs they had climbed a few minutes earlier, leaving Max alone in the flat and his room. He closed the door and made sure to lock it – a habit he had picked up quite early and now couldn’t let go of.<br/>His words hadn’t been untrue, but the actual reason why we didn’t immediately follow Fernando back downstairs was that he was just glad to have a moment for himself.<br/>Days were becoming shorter and shorter at this time of the year in early September, and the sun had already started to set outside, now painting Max’s room in a slim ray of golden colour that fell through the window.<br/><br/>His first day of work had basically consisted of watching Dan serve customers and even though Max felt like making coffee wasn’t exactly rocket science, his co-worker had not allowed him to serve anyone just yet. They had a reputation to lose, as Dan had put it.<br/>So Max had watched him closely, had listened to what he had explained and had tried to memorize what Dan had shown with the machines.<br/>Max was quite confident that he would pick up how everything worked rather quickly, whatsoever (even though Daniel had warned him about the rush hours and had also painted in living colours that sometimes, the line even reached until outside on the street, as Nando’s coffee was <em>that</em> popular).<br/><br/>Max, who didn’t drink coffee, hadn’t felt like he was in a position to judge that, and now that he was sitting on his bed, kicking off his shoes, he did feel the exhaustion of the day creeping up on him. Even though he worked out regularly and was in overall good shape, he wasn’t used to standing for several hours without actually moving much – like being in a museum with lots of standing and feeling one’s feet hurt way more in the end than after hours of actually walking around.<br/>He did unpack some of his stuff in the end, even though he hadn’t actually brought much with him – not more than the few items he had hastily grabbed when his dad had thrown him out and he hadn’t been able to bring himself to go back and get the rest. He was sure that his key wouldn’t have fit the lock anymore, anyway, and was also fairly certain that he wouldn’t have found any of his clothes in the house anymore, either.<br/><br/>So with the first money he’d earn, he’d have to buy a few new things. It was an uncomfortable feeling – not owning enough and not being able to rebuy what he’d lost – and something he wasn’t so used to. He had always envied Vic for that – for being independent, for earning her own money from such a young age. For building a life on her own even though she was younger than him, while he himself had always been so dependent, so absolutely incapable of doing anything right and finishing stuff he picked up.<br/>Max let out a groan, trying to push these thoughts aside. No need to keep digging up the past when he had finally left all that behind.<br/>He wasn’t in Amsterdam anymore, had shut down that chapter of his life once and for all and didn’t plan on coming back so soon.<br/>Sure, he’d miss his friends, would miss spending evenings with Chili and the rest of the guys, but Carlos could always visit him. Especially as he was staying with his uncle for now, and it wasn’t the 80s anymore, was it? There were text messages and video calls and airplanes and leaving a city didn’t necessarily mean he’d lose his best friend, would it?<br/><br/>Vic had moved to the other side of the world with her boyfriend and she was still his sister, right?<br/>Max bit down on the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood, chewing on the flesh while his thoughts kept on pacing. The pain was bitter sweet and subtle, not enough to bury his thoughts underneath. Eventually, he grabbed his phone and sent both Vic and Chili a message that he had made it to the shop and that everything had gone well, then leaving it to charge in the room while he went to look for some food in the kitchen.<br/>To his surprise, he didn’t find anything to eat, apart from what looked like expensive Spanish delicacies, which he didn’t dare to consume without asking.<br/>Knowing that he’d probably find a bite downstairs in the café, though, he decided to get out of the clothes he’d worn all day, refresh himself and change into a comfortable pair of jeans and t-shirt.<br/><br/></p><p>Max stumbled down the stairs, trying his best not to step on any of the twiners, and, when taking the last turn of the circular staircase, was suddenly pushed to the side, caught from falling only by the handrail he was able to grab last second.<br/>“Whoops!” someone made and Max let out a series of Dutch curses, before he looked up and found himself face to face with someone he hadn’t met before.<br/>The guy in front of him was little shorter than him, if he was able to judge that properly while standing on the steps above him, and his long-ish hair was neatly braided in cornrows that were held together in a bun at the back of his head.<br/>His shiny earrings immediately caught Max’s attention, as well as the necklace the guy wore around his neck.<br/>Disappearing underneath the hem of his white shirt, Max could spot dark tattoos, but the motive was hard to make out with the low lighting and the guy’s dark skin.<br/><br/>“Sorry, I didn’t see you,” the man said and Max let out a huff of air.<br/>“Guessed that much,” he mumbled, more to himself, but the other one seemed to catch his words nevertheless.<br/>“Whoa, easy there, dude.”<br/>“I nearly fell down the stairs!”<br/>Dark eyes fixed him and shot him an upset glance, “Be glad you didn’t.”<br/>Max, feeling his patience slip after a long day and an empty stomach, snapped, “You better watch your steps next time!”<br/>“And you better actually fall next time, at least then you’ll have a reason to make a scene!”<br/>“Hey!” someone suddenly called, interrupting the both of them in the middle of their bickering. When Max lifted his gaze, looking at the transit that lead into the coffee shop, he saw Daniel standing in the frame.<br/><br/>“What’s going on here?” his voice was calm but alarmed, and for some reason it reminded Max of a kindergartener.<br/>“I ran into a drama king,” Lewis mumbled, causing Dan to raise a brow and shoot Max a confused glance.<br/>“Well, I’m glad you two have met each other then, Lewis.”<br/>“I suppose this is Max?” Lewis said and the Dutch was a bit surprised that the other one already knew his name. Dan nodded.<br/>“Max, this is Lewis. One of your co-workers.”<br/>Max’s eyes widened ever so slightly, which made Lewis’ lips twitch in amusement. He’d have to work with that git?!<br/>“Lewis is responsible for some of the self-made dishes we sell.”<br/>Max had already learned that the coffee shop got most baked goods from a bakery down the street, while they served some easy fresh dishes, like smoothie bowls, soup or sandwiches.<br/>“He tries to veganize this place as good as he can,” Dan said and the two of them exchanged a glance that seemed to be part of some inside joke that Max didn’t catch.<br/>Max was still a little surprised to see Dan, as his shift had ended when Fernando had shown him around the flat, and he had changed into other clothes, too.<br/>He wasn’t dressed in the all-black dress code of the coffee shop anymore, and instead he was now wearing dark skinny jeans that didn’t cover his ankles (Max had never really gotten <em>that</em>, but it displayed another tattoo), with a white t-shirt that seemed a couple of seizes too big.<br/><br/>“Didn’t you go home?” Max asked, and it came out a bit harsher than he had intended, causing Lewis and Daniel to exchange another one of these glances that made the Dutch feel left out from their conversation. He guessed that they knew each other really well, and that only made him feel worse.<br/>Daniel made a few steps into the room and Lewis made some space by stepping down from the stairs, with Max following in distance.<br/>“Dan basically lives here,” Lewis commented, crossing his arms in front of his chest.<br/>“We all do,” Dan added and nodded, tilting his head, “this place is like family to me. And a family sticks together.”<br/>His gaze wandered back and forth between Lewis and Max, “Which is why you two gotta talk this aggression out, okay? No fighting under this roof.”<br/>When Dan said that the coffee shop was like family to him, Max felt a sudden unpleasant feeling in his stomach, and he drew in his bottom lip.<br/>If he had learned anything over the past few weeks, it was that he didn’t need a family.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>In the past, I've always uploaded the new chapters to "Latesummer in Amsterdam", "Three Wishes for Verstappen" etc. on Fridays but I was wondering what you consider to be the best day for a new chapter?<br/>Please let me know in the comments :)</p><p>I would also love to hear your thoughts on this new chapter  and give kudos if you've liked it :)<br/>- Johanna xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Max held back any further comment on how he sure as hell didn’t want to pursue a family-like feeling with a brat like Lewis, as even in his tired and hungry state he could tell that the last thing he needed right now was an even worse start of this new life of his.<br/>Just then, his stomach growled, as if to accentuate his words.<br/>“Hungry?” Dan asked and Max nodded reluctantly.<br/>“Well, mate, I guess you’re lucky that we’ve got London’s best cook ready to do as you wish,” Dan grinned and wrapped an arm around Lewis’ shoulder, who shot him a tormented glance.<br/>Max, on his part, eyed Lewis in a reserved manner.<br/>“Thanks, I guess I can toast something for myself, or something.”<br/>“Yes, Dan, I don’t think it’s necessary -…”<br/><br/>But Dan didn’t allow Lewis to finish his words and instead covered the Brit’s mouth with his tattooed hand.<br/>“Shh. Maxy looks like he needs some vitamins. Some green so he becomes big and strong.”<br/>“I <em>am</em> strong,” Max grumbled, the nick name once again putting him in a sour mood.<br/>“Sure thing,” Dan replied, already pushing Lewis forward towards the kitchen area, “come on, Lewis, don’t ruin this bonding moment.”<br/>“We’re <em>not</em> <em>bonding</em>, Dan,” Lewis moaned, rolling his eyes, but there was a twinkle in them that told Max that he wasn’t really able to say no to the enthusiastic smile plastered on Daniel’s face.<br/>“You can’t say no to your favourite Aussie friend.”<br/>“You’re my <em>only</em> Aussie friend.”<br/>“See, but if you <em>had</em> -…”<br/>“You’re Australian?” Max interrupted Dan in curiosity and both guys looked into his direction. Dan nodded, wide smile back on his pace.<br/>“I’m a Perth original from ‘straya.”<br/>“Now that you say it, your accent definitely should have given it away,” Max admitted, “but if you’re from Australia, what on earth brought you to London? I mean, you hit the jackpot and gave it all away? For what?”<br/>“The jackpot?” Lewis asked, chuckling lowly.<br/>“The weather!” Max clarified, “coming from Australia, this weather has to be even more of a shock!”<br/>“You know, my nanna always said that if you’ve got sunshine in your heart, a little rain can’t hurt you.”<br/><br/>Dan’s smile was so big that Max was momentarily creeped out by it, as he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to that. How could the guy be this cheery all the time?<br/>The comment that the phrase sounded more like a proverb from a calendar was already on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed it and forced himself to give Dan a smile in return. He was sure it looked terribly false, though.<br/>“But, to answer your question; I came here a few years ago to study at University. And then I stayed,” Dan shrugged his shoulders, leaning against a counter while Lewis had apparently accepted his fate and had eventually started to grab stuff from the fridge.<br/>“What about you?” Dan asked.<br/>“Huh?”<br/>“What brought you here?”<br/><br/>The question caught Max a bit off guard – not because he didn’t have an answer ready, but because actually saying it out loud would have made all of it painfully real.<br/>“I, uhm, - …” he started, trailing off. Dan’s eyebrow twitched in that way that Max had already learned to read as curiosity.<br/>“Any secrets you’re running from?” Dan asked, a playful smirk dancing on his lips.<br/>Max’s lips, on the other hand, suddenly felt dry, and his gaze dropped to the floor.<br/>“Hey Max,” Lewis unexpectedly chimed in, “how do you like your food? Spicy, not so spicy…? And Dan, if would you grab some spinach from stock?”<br/>“Sure,” Dan said and disappeared through a door which Max guessed lead into the backyard, and apparently to the stock.<br/>He was glad that he had gotten lucky this time and hoped that Dan had forgotten about his question once he’d come back.<br/><br/>When he lifted his gaze, he found Lewis looking at him with an unreadable expression, and Max could only guess that <em>lucky</em> wasn’t the right term to use.<br/>Lewis had thrown a towel over his left shoulder to wipe clean his sticky fingers, and the gaze with which he focused Max was several things at the same time.<br/>Curious, like Dan’s had been, but also understanding in a way that made Max feel uncomfortable – because it made him wonder if Lewis was able to read him this easily.<br/>“Th… thanks,” he eventually croaked out and Lewis nodded.<br/>“You’re welcome, man.”<br/>When Max didn’t say anything else, Lewis started chopping some veggies.<br/>“We’ve all got some stuff we don’t want to talk about, huh? You know, Dan just really cares about people. He doesn’t mean to be nosy.”<br/>Max was surprised by the Brit’s words, and by how accurately he had apparently interpreted the situation. But before Max could say anything else about the matter, Dan came back and tossed Lewis the spinach.<br/><br/></p><p>Max’s food only took another few minutes during which he listened to Lewis’ and Daniel’s conversation. From what he learned, he had been right with his first impression that the two were rather close. They spoke about a “project” of Lewis, of which Max didn’t understand what it actually was about, and then about Dan’s day at work, about some regular customers and a concert taking place next Friday.<br/>Once the food – fried aubergine on cherry tomatoes and spinach – was ready, Max followed the two of them back into the store.<br/>Daniel had already explained earlier in the day that the coffee shop was serving drinks and food until 9pm, and there were still some customers chatting over cups of coffee and snacks, but the to-go-clientele apparently wasn’t this active at this time of the day, as there was no barista working behind the counter.<br/>Instead, Max spotted a group of people sitting on lounge furniture in the back of the store, including Fernando and a guy that had been around earlier as well.<br/><br/>“Take a seat,” Dan mumbled and Max did as he was told, finding a spot next to the man whose name he didn’t know yet, with the Australian sitting down next to him.<br/>Once he had sat down, he felt the eyes of the group on him, clearly marking him as the new kid in town. He was obviously the youngest of them, with Dan, Lewis and a woman with pastel coloured hair closest to his age.<br/>“Let me introduce,” Fernando said, “everyone, this is Max. Friend of Chili who is helping me for few weeks. Or months. Will see.” He smiled and then pointed at the man sitting next to Max, who was wearing what the Dutch thought to be a custom-tailored suit, of which he’d shed the blazer. He had opened the first three buttons of his navy coloured shirt, giving off the impression that he had come here at the end of his work day.<br/>The blond man looked at him with dark blue eyes, cracking a smile. Everything about him, from his shiny leather shoes to his perfectly trimmed beard screamed <em>expensive</em>.<br/>“Nice to meet you, Max. I’m Jenson.”<br/><br/>He had extended a hand, which Max took to give it a shake, but Jenson pulled him in and clapped his back once.<br/>The woman with lilac hair, which she wore in a bun, waved at him from the other side of the low table filled with drinks, her smile revealing a slightly crooked front teeth as well as a piercing.<br/>“Hey. I’m Hannah.”<br/>Hannah was wearing a sleeveless top that revealed that her arms, chest and probably her back as well were covered in tattoos.<br/>Max returned her smile with another one and then sank deeper into the cushions of the sofa, eating some of the meal Lewis had prepared for him.<br/>It wasn’t hard to guess that he had invaded a close group of friends and he felt a little uncomfortable doing so. He also wasn’t sure if he fit into this group, if he <em>wanted</em> to fit in.<br/>He told himself not to judge people on appearance alone when he wondered how Jenson fit into the picture of this café group that seemed to be a little <em>alternative, </em>suiting this street-artish part of London, as he had learned.<br/><br/>“So, Max,” the Dutch nearly jumped when he was suddenly addressed by the blond Brit, “you should have brought Carlos with you! We haven’t seen him in ages!”<br/>“Sí!” Fernando confirmed, and Max cracked an apologetic smile.<br/>“Carlos is in the middle of his bachelor thesis,” he shrugged, “but I would have loved to drag him along.”<br/>“Maybe he can come over for weekend or so, no?” Fernando proposed and Max nodded.<br/>“Yes, that would be nice.”<br/>He then fell silent again, listening to a conversation between Lewis and Dan, which – as Max picked up after a while – apparently revolved around tattooing.<br/>“You’re a tattoo artist?” Max asked, and Dan didn’t seem to mind much that the Dutch had interrupted him mid-sentence.<br/><br/>He turned towards Max, nodding, while shrugging simultaneously.<br/>“Yeah, guess I am,” he replied, with that heavy Australian accent that was accompanied by another one of these lightbulb smiles, “try to be, at least. ‘s not easy in a city like London.”<br/>“Dan’s an excellent artist. If you ever want to get a tattoo, you should hit him up,” Lewis chimed in and Max thought to see Dan blush at the compliment, long lashes fluttering a little.<br/>“Did he do yours?” Max asked, pointing at Lewis’ tattoos, but the Brit shook his head.<br/>“I’m more into old school design,” Dan explained but Max didn’t know enough about tattoos to know what that meant.<br/>“And I’d love to learn how to dot work,” Dan added.<br/>“Didn’t you go to university?” Max asked bluntly, only realising that his words came across a little rude once they had already left his mouth. But Dan simply chuckled amusedly, once again shrugging his shoulders.<br/>“I studied design. It’s where I met Lewis.”<br/> “You design?”<br/><br/>Lewis waved his hand, “Well, yeah, kind of, man. I love creating clothes and jewellery, making something new out of old stuff, such things, you know.”<br/>“It’s seriously unfair how talented he is, mate,” Daniel laughed, gaze falling onto the food in Max’s lap.<br/>Lewis sighed, rolling his eyes playfully, “Talent doesn’t get you anywhere in life. Hard work and dedication does.”<br/>The words came out of Lewis’ mouth easily, half-joking, but they still made Max’s insides freeze, reminding him too much of something his dad would say to him.<br/>He coughed, clearing his throat, in order to cover up the sudden rush of emotions he’d rather not deal with right now.<br/>“So both of you have second jobs?”<br/><br/>“I mean, I can only speak for myself, but working here isn’t something I wanna do my whole life. I love the place and everyone involved, but I’d like to have my own label someday,” Lewis gestured at Daniel, “and Dan wants to open his own tattoo shop once the time’s ready.”<br/>“Cool,” Max said, and meant it, “I get you. It’s nice that you two have something you’re passionate about.”<br/>“So what about you?” Dan asked, “what are your plans for the future?”<br/>Max audibly released some air, sinking even further into the cushions, “If only I knew.”<br/>Lewis shot him an encouraging smile, “I strongly believe there’s a path for all of us. Keep the faith, Max.”<br/><br/>Max wasn’t really able to return the smile, but it seemed like that was okay.<br/>He also couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe these guys weren’t the worst, after all, and that even though they were at different points in their lives, with a several years age gap between them, they were able to understand what Max was facing at the moment.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter 3 already!</p><p>I think I'll upload the chapters Friday or Saturday of each race weekend and I'll hope you'll stick with me for this story. It means a lot to me.</p><p>So if you've liked this chapter, I'd be more than grateful if you left kudos and maybe a comment.<br/>Hope everyone's doing alright so far.<br/>- Johanna xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Flat white macchiato with soya milk!” Dan called and Max nodded, grabbing the plant-based milk from a cupboard to start making the drink. The Aussie was trusting him, by now, to work the machines and actually pour some coffee himself – even though it <em>had</em> taken Max several days to convince Daniel that he could, indeed, be trusted. And the Australian apparently hadn’t been wrong, when on Max’s first day, he had said that they would make a good team – Max would now agree with that.<br/>Working with Daniel was always a bit of an experience, though.<br/>Four days had passed since he had arrived in London and he had learned rather quickly that Dan was one to chat a lot and never shut up, his rants usually followed by a wide smile and  “sorry, I <em>know</em> I talk too much.”<br/><br/>But Max didn’t really mind – anything was better than silence, really, as silence always lead to thinking and he was so tired of thinking, of mentally debating, as he just wanted to leave everything that had happened in Amsterdam behind.<br/>So by now he had learned that Daniel’s parents were Italian and while he had been growing up in Australia, he had went to high school in Italy but had not been able to perfect his Italian language skills there. That Dan was into motorsport and racing (when Max had told him that he liked race cars a fair deal himself, the Aussie had suggested to go karting some time) and that Dan was into hard core music.<br/>And he had also learned that Dan didn’t just talk to him during a shift, but that he knew most of the customers’ names, their life story, and probably also the name of their firstborns. Max wasn’t so sure if he was impressed or creeped out by that. He himself certainly wasn’t capable of making endless small talk the way that Dan could.<br/>Nevertheless, it wasn’t unpleasant to make conversation with Dan, as the stories he told were actually quite funny and entertaining most of the time, or maybe it was just what the Australians made of them.<br/><br/>“Mocha with cream!”<br/>Max did as he was told, calmly doing all the steps Dan had so carefully explained to him, and nearly jumped, almost knocking over the cup of freshly brewed coffee, when suddenly Lewis appeared in the transit frame once Max had finished making the drink.<br/>Max was still catching his breath when Dan handed over the coffee to a business man in a dark suit.<br/>“Don’t scare me like that!” Max snapped and Lewis ignored him, suggestively raising his eyebrows at Daniel.<br/>“So Mocha with Cream is back,” he said, smirking at the Australian, while Max’s gaze wandered back and forth between his co-workers in confusion.<br/>He hadn’t been aware that the drink hadn’t been on the menu lately.<br/>“Shut up,” Dan shot back and Max realized with growing curiosity that the Aussie was blushing a deep red colour.<br/>“When did he come back?” Lewis asked, sounding outraged that Daniel hadn’t informed him on the matter.<br/>“Come back?” Max asked, but he was ignored.<br/>“Last week,” Dan mumbled, begrudgingly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.<br/>“And why exactly didn’t you tell me?!”<br/>“Because I know you! You’ll just keep on destroying it!”<br/>Lewis let out a snort, mischief glinting in his dark eyes, “<em>I’m</em> destroying it?”<br/>“Yeah!”<br/>“You’re one to talk, Ricciardo!”<br/><br/>“Hey!” Max called, a little louder than intended, but it did bring him the attention of his co-workers, “what are you talking about?”<br/>If possible, Dan blushed some more, and Lewis’ smirk got a little wider, the latter shrugging in a way that said <em>tell him</em>.<br/>“Ugh,” Dan made, “I’d rather we just forget about all this, ‘kay?”<br/>“No, we’d rather <em>not</em>,” Lewis grinned, “this is way too entertaining.”<br/>“So what is this about? Mocha with cream?” Max asked, frowning in confusion.<br/>“Yes, but not exactly,” Lewis started, poking Dan into his side, “Dan here has this <em>idea</em>.”<br/>“What idea?” Max asked.<br/>“Lewis,” Dan moaned, rolling his eyes, while his cheeks were still burning in embarrassment.<br/><br/>“Come on, Dan. Max is one of us now, you won’t be able to hide it from him for too long, anyway.”<br/>“Hide what?”<br/>“Dan’s little <em>problem</em>.”<br/>“Don’t call it that! Just because I’m a romantic and you’re a jerk doesn’t -…”<br/>Max interrupted Dan’s dramatic monologue, “A romantic?”<br/>“Mhh,” Lewis made, “Dan is convinced that he will meet the love of his life while serving them coffee.”<br/>“The barista and a customer? Like these movies?”<br/>“Hah,” Dan made, sulking, “Max knows what I’m talking about.”<br/>Lewis rolled his eyes, biting back an amused grin, “Right. But you haven’t mentioned the <em>problem</em> yet.”<br/><br/>“The problem?” Max asked, not getting what the Brit was talking about.<br/>“Yes, the <em>problem</em>. At least that’s what I like to call it,” Lewis said, “because while Dan’s convinced that he’ll find the love of his life while pouring them a latte or an espresso or a <em>mocha with cream</em>, he doesn’t even know who this person is supposed to be, which is why he falls madly in love with a new customer <em>every. single. week</em>.”<br/>“You just don’t get it, Lewis,” Dan groaned, arms still crossed in front of his body, “you’ll never know love.”<br/>Lewis’ lips were still twitching and Max couldn’t hold back a chuckle himself.<br/>“So Mocha with Cream is…”<br/>“A person, yes. Love interest of the month July.”<br/><br/>It was then that Max remembered whom Dan had been serving the drink Max had made.<br/>That it had been a man.<br/>Daniel was gay?!<br/>That really shouldn’t have been much of a deal, he <em>knew</em> that, and still the realization hit him like the bus that had nearly been the end of him on his first day.<br/>He looked at Dan, who didn’t look any gayer to him than he had 10 seconds ago. It was fine, of course it was. He just wouldn’t have guessed.<br/><br/>“I suppose there’s been a <em>love interest</em> of May, June and August as well?”<br/>Lewis nodded and Daniel looked like he was about to slap his friend.<br/>“It’s become a thing, you know, guessing who will be Dan’s customer of the month this time.”<br/>“None of y’all will be invited to my wedding,” Dan said, turning his back on them, and started to clean the counter.<br/>“It’s still the first week of September but it shouldn’t take too long until cupid hits again,” Lewis explained with a wink and Dan didn’t need to turn around for Max to know that he was rolling his eyes.<br/><br/>“It would be romantic, okay?” the Aussie huffed, shoulders falling down, and Max almost felt sorry for the guy.<br/>“No, Dan, <em>romantic</em> it would be if you’d finally make a move just once.”<br/>“You’ve never asked any of your crushes out on a date?” Max asked incredulously and Dan quickly turned around.<br/>“Are you insane?!”<br/>Max raised his hands in defence, while Lewis let out a laugh.<br/>“Dan is determined to charm them with his coffee making skills.”<br/>The Australian shot Lewis a dark glance that somehow managed to shut him up, while Dan brought up a hand to scratch his dark beard.<br/>“A wedding doesn’t wed itself, Dan,” Lewis smirked, shrugging his shoulders.<br/>“That’s not an idiom.”<br/><br/>It was Lewis’ turn to roll his eyes and Dan hit him with the towel.<br/>“And you say I talk too much,” the Aussie grumbled. Max just watched the scene in amusement.<br/>“I’ll make sure to inform you once cupid strikes again,” the Dutch assured Lewis, who gave him thumbs up in return.<br/>“Bastards. All of you,” Dan groaned, but Max was starting to think that the Australian was physically incapable of being in a bad mood.<br/>“Anyway, what’s going on with <em>your</em> dating life?” Dan asked Lewis, to which the Brit’s smug smirk immediately disappeared. The barista didn’t seem to notice that, though, as he was still busy cleaning the counter.<br/><br/>Max, however, <em>had</em> noticed and got the impression that Lewis would rather die than answer right now, especially when Dan repeated his question once again.<br/>“Hey, Dan,” he jumped in, “could you help me clean the filter before the next order comes in? Last time I checked, they definitely needed a cleaning and I’m worried it will rub off on the taste.” Lewis shot him a glance at that which Max wasn’t fully able to read, but interpreted as silent gratefulness for returning the favour the Brit had given to him a couple of days ago.<br/>“I’ll head back into the kitchen. Call me if you need something,” Lewis declared and Dan hummed in agreement, already focused on the task Max had just put on his hands.<br/><br/></p><p>“What do you mean you <em>hate London</em>?” Dan asked in disbelief, sipping his mocha coffee, while nudging Fernando’s side who held a double espresso.<br/>The three of them were standing behind the counter, taking a little break as there weren’t many customers in at the moment.<br/>“Did you hear that, Nando?” Dan asked, still in shock. Fernando nodded, but didn’t say anything.<br/>“How can you <em>hate London</em>? It’s the greatest city in the world!”<br/>Max snorted, earning him incredulous glances from both his boss and co-worker.<br/><br/>“Okay. Name one thing you hate about London,” Dan challenged him and Max almost had to snort again. One thing? He could name hundreds!<br/>“The weather! The weird traffic, the tourists, the accent, the smell in buses, the fact you’d risk your life going somewhere by bike, want me to go on?”<br/>Daniel glared at him, shaking his head.<br/>“You said you’ve been to London before. What did you do, then? What made you dislike this place so much?”<br/>Max groaned. Said class trip wasn’t one of his fondest memories.<br/>“Tourist-stuff, of course. A hop-on-hop-off tour, London eye, walking through lots of parks. Visiting museums just because they’re free.”<br/>“Parks are nice, no?” Fernando commented, still sipping on his espresso with eyes lit up by amusement.<br/>“I… guess?”<br/><br/>Max looked at Dan, now challenging the Australian with a look, “What do <em>you</em> like about London so much, then?”<br/>“Everything!” Dan said, running a tanned hand through his dark curls. How the guy managed to get this much sun in an English city was beyond Max.<br/>“How can you love <em>everything</em> when I’ve just listed so much you can dislike?”<br/>Dan didn’t seem to know an answer to that, which Max counted as a win.<br/>“You just haven’t seen London’s best sides yet!”<br/>“I’m not sure if this city <em>has</em> good sides.”<br/>That got Max a snort from Dan and Fernando.<br/><br/>“I’ll make you love London!” Daniel exclaimed, his smile once again reaching from one ear to the other, revealing dazzlingly white teeth. Max shot Fernando a glance, seeking for help, but the Spaniard was just chuckling under his breath, watching the drama unfold.<br/>“And… how do you plan to do that?”<br/>Dan beamed at him, setting down his cup in such an energetic motion that he nearly knocked it off the counter.<br/>“I’ll take you to my favourite places!”<br/>“Daniel has <em>lots</em> of favourite places, sí,” Fernando commented, pointedly raising a dark eyebrow. Max could imagine.<br/>“You’ll see London with fresh eyes,” Dan said and <em>winked</em>.<br/>“Yeah, I’m not sure if I want to see London wi-…”<br/><br/>“Shh,” Dan made, cutting the Dutchman off, “you don’t have much of a say in this. You need to get out of this house – and no, going for a run does <em>not</em> count – so we’ll go out this evening. I’ll show you around Shoreditch.”<br/>Max once again shot Fernando a pleading glance, hoping he’d give him the evening shift or something, but no help seemed to be expected from the Spaniard.<br/>“I-…” Max started, ready to protest, but something in the way Daniel looked at him, with dark, expectant eyes, made him shut his mouth.<br/>“I-… Fine…”<br/>“We’ll go?”<br/>“We’ll go…”<br/>Daniel beamed at him and Max swallowed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so here's chapter four... we're slowly getting a bit deeper into the story and I want to thank you for the nice comments I've received so far.<br/>Please let me know what you think of this chapter and if you did like it (which I hope!), please leave kudos. </p><p>All the love xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few hours later, Dan picked him up in front of the coffee shop. He had changed into a dark pair of pants and a light jeans jacket, whereas Max was wearing a hoodie that seemed too warm for the surprisingly pleasant temperatures. Even the sun had come out, painting the street in golden colours. Daniel was still smiling, because he <em>always</em> was and Max followed him around a few corners, deeper into the area which he had already explored a little during his morning runs. This part of London wasn’t anything like the parts he had seen on his school trip years ago. Instead of sky scrapers and famous sights, they were walking through relatively small streets, seamed by brick walls that were covered in ripped posters and graffiti art.<br/><br/>Daniel explained to him that the face of Shoreditch was constantly changing, with new art coming and old art being overpainted. Max also learned that the neighbourhood was famous for its Banksy art, of which the Australian actually showed him a few. Max liked some of the other pieces better, but had to agree that the mystery revolving around the world’s most famous street artist was quite fascinating.<br/>Now and then, they ran into someone Dan knew, and it made Max realize just how popular Dan seemed to be around the neighbourhood, as everyone seemed happy to see him. The Dutch had to agree that Dan <em>was</em> easy to get along with, if he turned down all the talking once and a while.<br/>Eventually, Dan led him through a passage that was covered in fairy lights and colourful light bulbs, where they sat down in between food trucks, in front of an improvised stage.<br/><br/>Dan ordered a beer for the two of them and Max had another look around.<br/>He had to admit that he liked what Daniel had shown him so far and that Shoreditch seemed to have a totally different <em>vibe</em> than what he had had in mind when thinking of London. And he was also well aware that he did not need to speak his thoughts out loud, for the smirk that was playing on Dan’s lips told him that the Aussie hadn’t missed out on it either.<br/>After another beer, Max felt his own tongue loosening up a little, and he placed his elbows on the table, leaning forward.<br/><br/>“How old were you when you went abroad to go to school in Italy?” he asked the Australian, sipping on his coke.<br/>“I was sixteen… or seventeen…” Daniel replied, calculating with his fingers.<br/>“So did your parents move to Europe or what brought you there?”<br/>Dan shook his head, “No, my parents and my sister stayed in ‘straya. I came to Italy on my own.”<br/>Max was somewhat impressed by that, as he wouldn’t have been able to leave home at such a young age, even if he’d wanted to. Not with his dad.<br/>“Must have been an enriching experience,” he said.<br/>Daniel shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah… no… I don’t know.”<br/>“You didn’t like it?”<br/><br/>Conflict was written all over Dan’s face, “I was sixteen. I missed home. My parents and my friends.”<br/>The Dutchman was surprised by that, as he hadn’t really thought of that before. But he could understand it. In a way.<br/>“Why did you come to Italy, then?”<br/>“I had the chance to go to a private school that was promoting me with my art. It was an opportunity that arose which I wasn’t granted in Perth.”<br/>“That does sound like a big chance you couldn’t have slip.”<br/>Dan nodded in agreement, although the expression of conflict hadn’t disappeared entirely.<br/>“It did get me a scholarship to study in London,” a tentative smile was tugging on the corners of the Australian’s lips, “and I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t gone to Italy.”<br/>“In the greatest city in the world,” Max added smirking and Daniel clinked their glasses.<br/>“The greatest city in the world.”<br/><br/>But Max could sense that there was something simmering underneath this, he just wasn’t sure if he was in the position to push the subject. Therefore, he tried it subtle.<br/>“But I can imagine that it’s not always easy, being this far away from home.”<br/>He thought to see Dan’s face fall for a moment, before the Australian caught it and a contemplative half-smile was back on his lips.<br/>“I reckon it’s not. Wasn’t always easy to be the foreign kid,” he shrugged and took another sip of his drink.<br/>“How so?”<br/>Dan drew in his bottom lip, gaze now focused on the coke in his glass.<br/>“For quite a while, I didn’t really have any friends. Not back in Italy 12 years ago and not when I came to London afterwards.” Max did the counting and was surprised by the result.<br/><br/>“You’re 30?!” he blurted out, once again way too blunt, cursing himself for always speaking first and thinking later.<br/>Dan huffed, looking up, “Yeah, I’m an oldie by now. Haven’t really done much yet, huh?”<br/>Max frowned at him. How was Daniel 30 already? Max had been aware that the Aussie had to be several years older than his own 21 years of age, but people aged 30 were full grown-ups. Daniel seemed younger, with his big smiles and easy-going Australian way of living.<br/>“You’re planning to open your own tattoo shop!”<br/>Dan exhaled, sounding almost like a sigh, “Yeah, planning.”<br/>“Keep the faith, man!” Max said, imitating Lewis, and it managed to make the older one smile.<br/>“No, but seriously. You live in the city of your dreams, working to pursue what makes you happy! Don’t beat yourself up over the fact that not all things have fallen into place yet,” Max added and Dan looked at him for a moment, his face unreadable for once. Then, he nodded hesitantly, before he lightly patted Max’s shoulder.<br/>“Thanks, mate. I guess you’re right.”<br/>“I’m always right,” Max said, smirking.<br/>“Don’t push your luck.”<br/><br/>Max grinned, looking at the Australian.<br/>“And you’ve made great friends by now, haven’t you? Lewis and I didn’t have the best start, but he does seem like a nice bloke.”<br/>“He’s the best,” Dan agreed and nodded, “things improved a lot when I met him.”<br/>“What was the problem before?” Max bit his tongue once again, knowing that he should have phrased the question differently.<br/>“<em>I</em> was the problem, I reckon,” Dan said, gaze no longer focused on Max but briefly following the people passing by, “at least for my fellow students, apparently.”<br/>Max wasn’t sure how to react to that statement, but curiosity made his tongue burn, so he did ask, eventually.<br/>“Why?”<br/>Dan shrugged, a heavy sigh dropping from his lips.<br/>“I was always the weird kid, I guess,” his eyes found Max’s for the fraction of a moment, before they returned to watching the passers-by.<br/>“The weird kid?” Max asked.<br/>“Yeah… I mean, I didn’t really speak the language when I came to Italy, I used all these weird Australian expressions… I talk too much… And I wasn’t the most handsome teenager.”<br/><br/>Dan smiled but it seemed forced and so unlike the wide grin Max had grown used to over the last couple of days. The Dutchman frowned. Dan did have a big nose but it fit his face, in a way. He had kind eyes and Max also sort of liked his dark curls, shorter on the sides of his head than on top. And in contrast to the Dutch, he was able to pull of that <em>three-day-stubble</em> look, so wasn’t that something?<br/>“I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”<br/>Dan let out a soft laugh, something in between half-heartedness and actual amusement, “No, really. Braces, the end of puberty and skin care worked wonders on my face. You wouldn’t believe.”<br/><br/>Dan followed a skin care routine? Wow, he truly <em>was</em> a full grown-up, Max thought. For some reason, he suddenly started feeling self-conscious about his own uneven skin, being way closer to these straining teenage years than the Australian, and ran his fingers over his non-existent facial hair. Daniel, thankfully, didn’t seem to notice.<br/>“Your fellow students probably sucked, anyway, if they let a couple of pimples stand in the way of a great friendship.”<br/>Daniel tilted his head, their gazes meeting once again for the blink of an eye, “You’re probably right.”<br/>“So how did you meet Lewis?” Max blurted out into the silence that had spread, cutting off any chance Dan might have had to ask him about his teenage years.<br/>Dan smiled, “Oh, nothing spectacular. We were desk mates in one of our graphic design courses.”<br/>The Australian shrugged his shoulders, “I was a bit of a loner at that time, but Lewis didn’t give up too easily. And eventually we became best friends.”<br/>“Is that how you got the job at Fernando’s?”<br/>Daniel nodded confirming, “Lewis somehow knew Jenson and Jenson obviously knows Nando and when Lewis got the job as chef, I applied for the barista part. That was about four to five years ago.”<br/>“That’s a long time.”<br/>“Yeah, I guess. We’ve become a family. Some members always come and go, like Stoffel, who’s from Belgium and moved back a few months ago, but we try to assemble the whole crew as often as possible.”<br/><br/>There it was again, that feeling in Max’s stomach that said that he was invading a closed group that he wouldn’t become a full member of, anyway. That he didn’t even want to belong to, perhaps. He had come to London to cut off all strings, not be attached to a place by new ones.<br/>Max cleared his throat, “And could you imagine going back to Australia?”<br/>Dan seemed to think about his question for a moment.<br/>“I love Australia, it’s the best place in the world – apart from London, obviously – and you can do all sorts of amazing things down there. Like dirt biking or surfing, or just, you know, relaxing. So yeah, maybe. I don’t know yet.”<br/>“But aren’t you… like… don’t you feel like you have to… have a plan, by now?” Max asked, inartfully expressing what he had been trying to say.<br/>“Because I’m old, you mean?” Dan asked, eyebrows shooting up, while a low chuckle bubbled up his throat.<br/>Max flushed, “That’s not… I didn’t mean to…”<br/>“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Dan laughed, “and yes, I probably should have <em>a plan</em> by now. I just… I try my best to just go with the flow. Not think too much.”<br/>He grinned, “It limits the mind.”<br/><br/>They fell into silence once again, but it wasn’t an unpleasant one – at least Max didn’t identify it as such. However, he did notice the contemplative way in which the Australian looked him over.<br/>“Do you always talk this little?” the older one eventually asked and Max frowned.<br/>“I didn’t get the impression that I did,” he replied.<br/>Daniel tilted his head once again.<br/>“Well, you ask questions… keep me talking… but you don’t reveal anything yourself. You always find ways not to make a conversation about yourself.”<br/>Max swallowed, “Do I?”<br/>The Australian nodded, leaning forward by a few centimetres, “Mhh. And I wonder why that is.”<br/>“I-… Ask me something, then!”<br/>Something in Dan’s gaze shifted, though Max wasn’t able to put a finger on what it was. He tried to read in the Australian’s glance but wasn’t able to, forced to avert his eyes eventually.<br/><br/>“Why did you come to London?” Daniel asked and <em>of course</em> he did, because he wasn’t an idiot and had probably sensed that Max had been beating around the bush before.<br/>“If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine. I get it. But I want you to know that I’m here to talk, you know. If you want to.”<br/>Dan’s brown eyes were now filled with another thing Max couldn’t read, and his own gaze dropped to his hands.<br/>He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to <em>think</em> about it, didn’t want the topic to be brought up. Didn’t want to rip open wounds that were still trying to heal.<br/>And yet, if he was honest with himself, he knew that he was constantly thinking about it, anyway. That talking about it, getting it out in the open, could help him deal with it and move on, instead of burying it underneath new impressions and distance.<br/>“It’s because my dad threw me out.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks to everyone who's reading this.<br/>each and every comment warms my heart. &lt;3</p><p>please leave kudos if you've liked this! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan didn’t force him to speak. Didn’t push him to reveal more than just that one sentence and didn’t ask any further questions.<br/>Instead, the Australian kept his glance fixed on the Dutchman, chin propped up on the knuckles of his right hand, while he waited for him to keep talking.<br/>But Max wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep talking, or if he wanted to scream <em>screw you</em> and get up and leave. <em>Screw you for making me think of my dad right now, screw you for bringing this up again when things have finally started to get better</em>. But then again, he had to ask himself if things were actually on the right track or if that was just something he was telling himself, as a justification to keep burying everything that had happened. The inner conflict he was facing, the battle fought on his insides, was probably showing on his face, as the glance Dan shot him was many things, but mostly comforting.<br/><br/>“You don’t have to tell me the full story, if you don’t want to, you know. You could just start with something small.”<br/>Max looked at the Australian, contemplating his words, before he once again focused on the bottle standing on the table in front of him. He hadn’t even talked to Chili about this, not really, because he wouldn’t have known where to start. And he was aware that his best friend probably knew, anyway, but speaking the things his dad had thrown at him out loud, repeating the words that had burned so much that they had left a scar, was something different altogether. Max knew that it would have changed things. That it would still change things, for him, if he said them out loud now.<br/>“My dad threw me out,” he repeated eventually, taking the bottle into his hands to start fidgeting with the label, “because we had a big fight.”<br/>Again, Dan didn’t ask questions, just looked at him and waited, but Max wasn’t able to meet his gaze.<br/>“I-… let’s just say… my dad jumped to some conclusions, about me, that convinced him tha-that…”<br/>He cursed his words for shaking so much and was starting to ask himself how he had gotten himself into this situation when he had worked so hard before to not let it get this far.<br/><br/>His gaze snapped up, meeting Dan’s for a second, before it dropped again.<br/>“That I’m a failure. A disappointment,” the words came out harsh and sharp, just like his dad had sounded when he had spit them out, his words underlined by a fist hitting against the doorframe of Max’s room. He could still hear his tone ringing in his ears, still feel the shock he had felt upon seeing his dad like that.<br/>Dan had drawn in a sharp breath and his lips had formed a thin line.<br/>“No one should say such things to you. Not even your dad,” he exhaled, “<em>especially</em> not your dad.”<br/>Max huffed, feeling his chest clench at the words, “He was right, though, wasn’t he? I’m a failure.”<br/>“What makes you think you’re a failure?” Dan asked and his eyes had widened a little, while his voice sounded constrained, yet calm.<br/>Max once again didn’t manage to meet his eyes.<br/><br/>“I got kicked out of University because I had several exams,” he kicked a loose stone underneath the table, “I never wanted to study in the first place.”<br/>Dan was silent for another moment and without looking up, Max could tell that the Aussie was examining him.<br/>“Is that why your dad kicked you out?”<br/><br/>Max’s gaze fluttered up, the <em>No</em> already on the tip of his tongue, but then he held it back, swallowed it up, and kept his mouth shut. Because how was he supposed to explain the situation to Dan? How would he be able to explain the words his dad had thrown at him?<br/>Yet, there was this voice in the back of his head saying <em>Dan would understand, especially him</em>.<br/>But then Max remembered the words he had snapped back at his dad, and they made his cheeks flush red in embarrassment and <em>hell no</em>, he couldn’t tell Dan, not now, not <em>ever</em>. <em>Especially</em> not Dan.<br/><br/>“Yes,” he said instead, now meeting Dan’s eyes to make sure the Australian believed him, “it got… ugly.”<br/>Dan drew in his bottom lip, an apologetic smile creeping up on his face, “I’m sorry, mate.”<br/>“Yeah…” Max mumbled and eventually shrugged, “it’s better this way, isn’t it? I’ve got to live my own life. Not the one my dad lay out for me.”<br/>Dan nodded, “I can imagine that it’s hard, though. Especially as it seems like your dad means a great deal to you.”<br/>Max didn’t realize it was true until Dan had said it out loud and it made him feel sick that despite everything, he still loved his dad. That he still missed him and was seeking for his approval, even though he knew that he wouldn’t get it, no matter what he’d do.<br/><br/>“I try not to think of it too much,” he said, and by now the label of the beer was basically gone, shed to pieces.<br/>“I’m not sure if blocking it out is the right strategy to deal with this,” Dan said tentatively, waiting for a response.<br/>“Do you have to sound so grown-up with this?” Max asked and groaned, though it came out playfully and made Dan grin.<br/>“That’s the life experience of an old man, Maxy,” he smirked and Max shot him a dark glance at the nickname.<br/>“Yeah, sure. Sounds more like psychology for dummies to me.”<br/>Dan pouted at him, “And here I am, trying to give you valuable advice…”<br/><br/>It made both of them smile, though Max’s was still somewhat hesitant, the topic weighing him down.<br/>Despite everything, he was a little surprised by how easy it was to talk to Dan about more serious things. He had already learned that the Australian was fun to be around and would always make sure that everyone was having a good time, but Max valued that there was something lying underneath that. Something that made him feel like talking might actually help, if only little by little.<br/>And maybe he couldn’t talk to Dan about everything that had happened, but perhaps there were people that he <em>could</em> talk to, like Chili, or maybe even Vic. He would just have to sort this mess out. Maybe he’d actually be able to move on, that way.<br/><br/><br/>“Do you want another drink?” Dan asked, as both their glasses were empty by now, and Max shrugged his shoulders. The sun had set by now and the light bulbs attached to a string were lighting up the passage, while a three piece band had started playing music on the improvised stage. They were performing punkish-rock songs, nothing Max would normally listen to, but Daniel seemed to like it, his head and leg moving to the music once and again.<br/>It was still relatively warm, at least for a September night in London, although Dan seemed to shiver in his thin jeans jacket. It made Max wonder if even after all this time, the older one was still used to Australian temperatures.<br/><br/>“Yeah… I mean…” Max started, not really knowing what he wanted to say, as he felt full but also didn’t really feel like heading back to the flat yet.<br/>“Or we could walk around some more,” Dan proposed, “and I’ll show you a bit more of the neighbourhood.”<br/>“Sounds like a plan,” Max said and Dan repeated his words with a grin.<br/>Once they had paid for their drinks, the Australian led the younger one back to Brick Lane, the cultural centre of Shoreditch, which was much less frequented than a couple of hours ago during the day. Most shops were already closed, but some restaurants and pubs were still open, and Dan bought both of them ice cream because it was his <em>favourite thing in the world</em>.<br/>“That’s your Italian heritage speaking,” Max had chuckled and it had made Dan laugh, who had then spoken with a heavy Italian accent for the upcoming minutes. He also hadn’t been surprised that the shop’s owner knew Dan by name and his favourite flavour by heart.<br/>They kept strolling around the area for another hour or so, until they were eventually back by Fernando’s coffee shop, which was already closed. But Max led them in with the key the Spaniard had handed to him, the two of them standing on the doorstep to say goodbye.<br/>“So, how did you like this part of London?” Dan asked, a confident smile already playing on his lips, while he was leaning against the doorframe.<br/>“Wasn’t too bad,” Max mumbled and Dan grinned from one ear to the other, chuckling softly.<br/>“I told you it’s a great city.”<br/>“Just because it has <em>one</em> decent area, it doesn’t make the whole city great,” Max shot back playfully, laughing at the way Daniel rolled his eyes.<br/>“That’s because you haven’t seen more of it yet, idiot.”<br/>Max shrugged, “Maybe you’re right. But I wouldn’t bet any money on it, if I were you.”<br/>“You’re one stubborn guy, you know that?” Dan said and groaned, but Max knew that he didn’t really mean it. Though he had to agree.<br/><br/>“So, where are we going next time?” he asked.<br/>“Next time?” Dan repeated, but a triumphant smile was hidden beneath the outer confusion.<br/>“Mhh,” Max grumbled, “I guess I won’t be able to avoid seeing more of London sooner or later.”<br/>“Hah!” Dan made, “You’re absolutely right, you can’t! At least I won’t let you.”<br/>Max playfully rolled his eyes, as to which Dan lightly punched his shoulder.<br/>“You really don’t make this easy for me.”<br/>“I know, making me like London is hard work because there isn’t particularly much to like,” Max grinned, knowing that he was able to drive Dan nuts with that statement, and the Australian did curse him with a word the Dutchman hadn’t heard before.<br/>“You better watch your mouth, Verstappen,” Dan exclaimed and Max couldn’t help but giggle.<br/>“Or <em>what</em>?”<br/>“Oh, you’ll see,” Dan replied, his dark eyes lighting up deviously.<br/>“Oh no, now I’m scared,” the younger one teased and Dan mouthed <em>fuck you</em>, turning around to leave the shop.<br/>“I’ll see you tomorrow, Maxy!”<br/><br/>“Don’t call me that, at least not until I’ve found an equally dumb nickname for you!” Max called after the Australian and could hear him snort before the door fell shut, leaving the Dutch alone in the coffee shop.<br/>He sighed, locking the door, before he collected his stuff and went upstairs.<br/><em>I think I’ve made a friend</em>, he told himself, and before he could do anything, before he had a chance to understand where the memory was coming from, he heard his dad’s voice in his head.<br/><br/><em>No one will ever truly like you.</em><br/>Max gritted his teeth, climbing the stairs as quietly as possible, expecting Fernando to be asleep already.<br/><em>Not with what you’ve done, not with what you are. </em><br/>He shut his eyes for a moment, but of course it didn’t do anything to get rid of the memory. If only, it got worse, because now he could also see his dad standing in front of him.<br/><br/><em>You know that, right? That no one will want to be your friend once they find out what a failure you are!</em><br/>And Max wanted to scream at him, wanted to shout that he was wrong, about everything, wrong with his accusations and assumptions, but his mouth was dry and his throat too tight.<br/>“You’re wrong, dad,” he whispered in the end, “it’s not what it looks like.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>things are *slowly* starting to get more personal between these two...<br/>please let me know what you think and kudos would mean the world &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Daniel had his elbows propped up on the counter top, chin resting on his knuckles, while he was dreamily staring at a table by the window.<br/>At the same time, he was being watched by Max and Lewis, both of them standing at the other side of the counter, where Lewis was currently preparing two smoothie bowls and Max was busy not bending over in laughter.<br/>“Shh,” Lewis made, but his shoulders were shaken by suppressed laughter as well, eyes following Daniel’s gaze towards the other side of the coffee shop. Max mirrored the action, finding a man and a woman sitting by the door, laughing at each other and looking out the window.<br/>“A crush?”<br/>“Crushes,” Lewis corrected him, “of January and February 2017.”<br/>“Whoa,” Max made, “that’s a long time ago!”<br/>Lewis nodded, “It comes and goes.”<br/><br/>Max had to admit that the two were rather good looking. He liked the girl’s colourful braids.<br/>“And he never… talks to them?” Max asked, chuckling lowly, while he stepped closer to Lewis to make sure Daniel couldn’t hear them.<br/>“No. I once got him a date with vanilla latte, December 2018, but she wasn’t the one,” he air-quoted the last two words, shrugging.<br/>“And he’s been flirting with that dude for ages now, but I don’t think it’s anything serious. I don’t even know if he actually likes guys or just likes flirting in general,” the Brit added, and Max watched in delight how the man got up from his seat, coming towards the counter.<br/>He pushed a strand of copper-coloured hair that had loosened from his bun back behind his ear and cleared his throat to get Dan’s attention – which he obviously already had.<br/>The guy gave Daniel a half-smile, lips curling up slightly, while Dan beamed at him, raising an eyebrow.<br/>“You here? Didn’t see ‘ya.”<br/><br/> Bun-guy laughed, a rich sound that sent a shiver down Max’s spine. The Dutch frowned.<br/>“How could you miss me? Don’t I brighten up the room with my face alone?” the guy asked, laughing, and Max frowned some more.<br/>“I don’t know, Jonathan, you tell me.”<br/><em>Jonathan</em>. That name already <em>sounded</em> arrogant, didn’t it?<br/>“I might, if you buy me a coffee on the house,” Jonathan shrugged, “life as a street artist is hard these days.”<br/>“That sounds like a date!” Max whispered to Lewis, who nodded but didn’t seem to share Max’s excitement.<br/>“This is nothing serious between them.”<br/>“You sure?” Max asked, thinking that the way Dan ran a hand through his short curls looked pretty damn serious too him.<br/><br/>And he also couldn’t shake the feeling of not liking the sight in front of him. Maybe it was because he now knew that Daniel was gay… it just didn’t seem… right… for Dan to flirt with a man.<br/>Max frowned at himself.<br/>He didn’t actually have a problem with the fact that Dan liked blokes, did he?<br/>Sure, he knew what people like his father had to say on the matter, but he wasn’t like that, wasn’t he? He was of a different generation, he accepted people for who they were.<br/>And still, seeing his co-worker flirt so openly with another man just didn’t seem right to him.<br/>“I can’t buy you coffee on the house all the time. Wouldn’t be on the house, anyway, but fully on me,” Dan explained and Max thought to see his brown eyes sparkle.<br/>“Are you saying I’m not worth your money?” Jonathan asked, smirking, while he leaned against the counter.<br/>Daniel laughed, “I don’t know, tell me what you think you’re worth.”<br/><br/>Max blinked, before he turned towards Lewis, who was imitating a gagging motion. Max could only agree.<br/>“Stop using my own weapons against me,” Jonathan mumbled and Max guessed that he was referring to an inside joke the Dutchman probably didn’t even want to understand in the first place.<br/>“Seriously, Dan is worse than a lovesick teenager,” Max whispered to Lewis, who couldn’t do anything but nod.<br/>“Don’t take this too seriously, though. Jona is a humorous guy.”<br/>The fact that Lewis had called him by a nickname – but what kind of nickname was <em>Jona</em>, though? – made Max wonder if the Brit was actually close to the street artist. It told him to better keep his mouth shut and not share the sneery comments his mind had just come up with. Mentally, he did debate Lewis’ statement though.<br/>Humorous? He sneered. That wouldn’t exactly be the first thing that came to his mind to describe the guy.<br/><br/>He hadn’t been listening to what Daniel and Jonathan had been talking about, probably planning the font and size of their wedding invitations, so he was surprised when Lewis suddenly left his side and greeted the long-haired one with a fist bump.<br/>“So, can I count on you?” Jonathan was currently asking, leaving Max a tad confused as to what exactly they were talking about.<br/>“Sure, man,” Lewis said, nodding, “sounds great.”<br/>“Care if I invite our newbie along?” Dan asked and suddenly Max himself was in the centre of attention, with all three of them looking into his direction.<br/>Jonathan raised a hand to greet him.<br/>“Yeah, sure! The more, the merrier and entrance is free, anyway.”<br/>“It’s an amazing opportunity, isn’t it?” Lewis asked, and Max’s confusion grew. What exactly had he been invited to? He didn’t want to spend any more time than necessary in the presence of this guy! Seeing Jonathan flirt, seeing two <em>men</em> flirt, was somehow still making him uncomfortable and the knowledge that it wasn’t supposed to bother him that Dan was gay only made him feel worse about it.<br/><br/>He shot Lewis a glance, seeking for help, and was relieved when the Brit apparently understood that he had no idea what they had been talking about.<br/>“Bet you also think it’s cool that Jonathan has been hired to play at Sky Garden,” Lewis said and suggestively raised an eyebrow.<br/>“What’s Sky Garden?” Max asked and stepped closer, joining the three of them by the counter.<br/>“It’s an inside garden on the highest floor of 20 Fenchurch Street, with a restaurant and bars.”<br/>“Sounds… nice,” Max replied, unsure whether he meant it or not.<br/>“It is,” Dan jumped in, “it’s the most beautiful place to watch a sunset in London.”<br/>“And they have live music on the weekends. We sometimes go there when a member of the crew celebrates their birthday,” Lewis explained.<br/>Max almost blushed when he felt Daniel’s gaze on his face, “So? Will you join us?”<br/><br/>“Uh… which day are we speaking of?”<br/>“Friday, next week,” Jonathan said, smiling, “would be cool to have you guys come around.”<br/>“Jamaal’s there as well?” Lewis asked and Jonathan nodded, his smile widening a little.<br/>“Sienna as well,” the street artist, who Max now knew was a musician, added and pointed at the woman sitting by window.<br/>“So?” Dan asked another time, and it took Max a few seconds to realize that he was the one addressed by the Australian.<br/>“Uh… I’ll… think about it?”<br/>“Come on, it will be fun! And another place in London you can learn to love,” Dan said, chuckling softly.<br/>“I’d be happy to see you,” Jonathan added and Max <em>hated</em> how he actually sounded like he meant it. Some part in him wanted to stick out his tongue at him.<br/>But he felt Dan’s expectant gaze on him and had to swallow. And hadn’t he, in some way, promised the Australian that he would give London and Daniel’s favourite places a try?<br/>“Yeah… I mean… yeah, sounds like it could be a nice evening.”<br/>Dan beamed at him, right before he lightly punched his side, “See, it’s not that hard to give something a chance.”<br/>Max nodded, mostly because he didn’t find the right words to say.<br/><br/></p><p>“So, how is it? Have you been able to settle down, a little?”<br/>Max had locked the door of his room, as he always did, and had lied down on top of his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Then, he had dialled his best friend’s number for a video call, awkwardly holding his phone above his head while refusing to sit up.<br/>Which was why Carlos was now looking down at him from his screen, dark eyes glinting with amusement. However, Max could also read concern on his best friend’s face.<br/>“You should have called me earlier! I haven’t heard your voice in forever!”<br/><br/>In contrast to his uncle, Carlos’ accent was barely audible anymore, only getting stronger when he was either angry or very relaxed around the other person. So now that the Dutch heard his unique way of shaping words, he suddenly felt a rush of homesickness grasping hold of him that he wouldn’t have expected.<br/>“It’s barely been two weeks, Chili” Max said, but he did feel somewhat guilty for now calling his best friend earlier and not regularly answering his text messages.<br/>Carlos sighed, “I know, I know…”<br/><br/>“Don’t say you miss me,” Max smirked and Carlos rolled his eyes.<br/>“Of course I miss you, cabrón!” he exclaimed, “and if you say you don’t miss me, you’re lying.”<br/>“Fine,” Max mumbled, “I miss you. And you know, Fernando really wants you to come over some time!”<br/>Another sigh dropped from his best friend’s lips, “Sí, I’d love to. But Uni…”<br/>“Yeah, Chili, I know…”<br/>“But you still think it was the right decision? Leaving, I mean?” Carlos asked, carefully, and Max could see that his best friend wasn’t so sure if it had been the right choice to pose that question.<br/>And it did take Max a while to come up with an answer to that.<br/><br/>“Yeah, I guess. Because staying wouldn’t have worked anymore.”<br/>“’n how about your co-workers? Everyone is nice to you, no?”<br/>Max nodded, “Yeah. I had a bit out a fall-out with this guy called Lewis on my first day but we’re good now.”<br/>“Great you’re making friends, amigo.”<br/>“I guess.”<br/>“You <em>guess</em> correct. So how is work? I still can’t imagine you’re able to pour a good cup of coffee, as you hate it.” Carlos chuckled and Max sort of had to agree.<br/>“I’m still learning. Dan won’t let me serve any of the regulars yet, though.”<br/>“Dan? Who’s that again?”<br/>“Black curls, tattoos… about my height…”<br/>“The Australian dude?”<br/><br/>Max nodded, “Yeah, always a smile on his face… I suppose you must’ve met him when you visited your uncle.”<br/>“Sí, now that you mention, I remember.”<br/>“Did you know that he’s gay? Or bi, I don’t know.”<br/>Carlos shook his head, “No, I didn’t.” He then shrugged his shoulders.<br/>Max scratched his head, suddenly feeling weird again.<br/>“Have you… I mean, have you ever had some be gay around you?”<br/>“Gay around me…?” Carlos asked, frowning like he was wondering what Max was hinting at.<br/>“Yeah… I mean… I don’t know… it’s not that…”<br/>“What are you trying to say, Max?”<br/><br/>The Dutchman shrugged and exhaled audibly. It was stupid, wasn’t it? And he should probably keep it to himself, because he knew it was wrong, but Chili was his best friend, so he could talk to him about it, couldn’t he?<br/>“Max?” Carlos asked when he still hadn’t responded a few moments later “what is it?”<br/>The Spaniard had raised an eyebrow, and for a moment Max thought he could see something flash over his best friend’s face, but it was gone too soon and the internet connection wasn’t fast enough for him to make out every detail.<br/>“I mean… I’m not a homophobe… I’m not! But he doesn’t have to… flirt… so openly, does he? It makes me uncomfortable!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter is a bit of a special one for me, because I've been writing an original novel for a bit over a year now.<br/>And Jonathan is one of my main characters from that book, who I thought fitted this story nicely. You'll meet another character from my novel soon as well.</p><p>    I hope you're enjoying this so far and if you did, please leave kudos and tell me what you think :) &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next week passed in a bit of a blur for Max. Fernando had caught a cold and was therefore unable to work at the shop, which meant double shifts for Max and Daniel. <br/>The Dutchman didn’t actually mind much, because at least that meant that there was something to do and he liked the time spent with the team. Him and Dan always found something to talk about and work kept his mind distracted from the questions that had arisen during his phone call with Carlos.<br/><br/>He wasn’t sure what he had had expected, certainly not for his dad to call him and apologize, but it still felt weird to go such a long time without speaking to him. Almost 3 weeks had now passed since he had left Amsterdam and while he still didn’t particularly feel like he belonged into this city, it certainly felt like he didn’t belong to Amsterdam anymore. Which was a weird feeling, as he had always liked the Dutch capital city, had considered it his <em>home</em>. <br/><br/>Now all that was left of his childhood memories was burned soil and Max knew that he wouldn’t be able to return any time soon. <br/>One night, after a particularly exhausting shift that should have been able to make him sleep like a baby, he had been lying wide awake, staring up at his ceiling while waiting for sleep to find him. But instead, the lyrics of a song he had heard a while ago had popped up from his memories and they had stuck with him for a couple of days, playing on his mind each time that he got a message from Chili or one of his other guys from back home. <br/><em><br/>‘What about your friends? <br/>Don’t you love them enough to stay?’<br/>And I said ‘If I don’t leave now, then I will never get away.’</em><br/><br/>And in a way, that was what he felt like. <br/>He hadn’t left Amsterdam because he <em>wanted</em> to, he had left the city because he <em>had</em> to. Because for some fucked up reason, he was still seeking his dad’s approval, which was something he would never get, anyway. <br/>But knowing that and actually accepting it were two different sides of a medal and therefore he had done the only thing he had been able to come up with. <br/>He had fled. <br/><br/>Had fled to another capital city, had hoped it would be big enough to swallow him whole, to digest him and all the painful memories from that day when his dad had shut the door right in his face. Had hoped it would spit him right out as a new person, a <em>new</em> and <em>better</em> version of himself. <br/>Was it working? <br/>Max wasn’t sure. <br/><br/>He still felt like the person he had been a few weeks ago, still felt like the guy his dad had called a disappointment, a disgrace to the family and all the years he had spent working to guarantee Max a good life and raise him well. <br/>He had eventually been able to fall asleep at night, the Front Bottoms song still stuck in his head, but the amount of sleep he had (or respectively hadn’t) gotten that night had shown on his face the next day, and he had sensed that none of his co-workers had missed that. <br/>It had made him uncomfortable, the worried glances Dan had shot his way each time that he thought Max didn’t pay attention, and one time the Dutch had even caught him exchange a concerned glance with Lewis. <br/><br/>He didn’t want his co-workers to know about the battle he was facing on the inside, cursed himself enough for his moment of weakness a week ago when he had slightly opened up to the Australian and had told him about the fight with his dad. <br/>He knew that Daniel wouldn’t use that information against him but it made him weak, made him <em>vulnerable</em>, and if his dad <em>had</em> taught him something after all, it was that knowledge was power and a destructive one in the wrong hands. <br/>So he faked smiles and laughed at the others’ jokes, without really paying attention to what they were saying, hoping that they wouldn’t bother to try and peek behind his façade. <br/><br/>It was childish, anyway, wasn’t it?<br/>He wasn’t the first nor the last young adult to have a fallout with one of their parents and it wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it? <br/>And then he would ask himself why his dad’s words had stung this much, why – if he was convinced that his father had been wrong – he wasn’t just able to get a grip and move on. <br/>Because that’s what he’d tell him, wouldn’t he? <br/><em>Pull yourself together and man up</em>. <br/><br/>And yet, there was always that tiny voice in the back of Max’s head, whispering <em>you know why you can’t let it slip</em>, keeping him awake at night and distracted during his shifts. <br/><em>It's because dad was right, after all. Because you truly are a disappointment</em>. <br/>That was what everyone else probably thought of him, wasn’t it? <br/>That he was pathetic, a 21 year old guy who had no ambition, no aim in life and wasn’t even able to get the degree his father had been paying for. <br/>But there were also different moments. <br/><br/>Moments at the end of their shift, when everyone would sit together for dinner and a beer, Lewis falling asleep with his design drafts on the iPad in his lap, and Max nearly drifting off on the couch next to Dan. <br/>Moments when everyone was talking and telling stories, the sound of it almost lulling him to sleep, that he would catch one of the Aussie’s encouraging glances that would nearly get him to speak up. Sometimes, he felt like just getting it all out, felt like telling someone everything that has happened. <br/>But the embarrassment always hit hard and would eventually keep his lips sealed.<br/><br/></p><p>Once Friday came around, Max had been added to a group chat that told him to be at Borough Market at 6pm, where they would grab a snack and then head to Sky Garden. He hadn’t been to the Market before but Daniel and Lewis had always only spoken highly of it, so he supposed that it was probably worth the shot (though he got the feeling that Dan wasn’t exactly neutral when it came to places in London). <br/><br/>He took the bus to get there, which was overcrowded at this hour of the day but at least slightly more tolerable than the underground, and waited for the rest of the group at the meeting point under the bridge. He could already smell the food, a mixture of different spices and sweetness hovering in the air, and he felt his stomach growl. <br/>He didn’t have to wait long until Lewis showed up with Hannah, the tattooed woman that Max hadn’t really spoken to yet but sometimes joined the group for their team meetings in the evening. Dan had told him that she had been working at the café a while ago but had now moved to the other side of town. <br/><br/>“So where’s Dan?” Max eventually asked, once they had met up with Sienna and were wandering around the market, passing one food stand after the other. <br/>“He’s helping Jona set up his equipment at Sky Garden,” Sienna explained, “we’ll meet them later.” <br/>“Oh, okay,” Max said, and for some reason felt disappointed upon hearing this news. He had grown to miss the Aussie’s sunny nature when he wasn’t around. <br/>He liked Lewis and the Brit was also fun to be around, but it wasn’t quite the same. <br/><br/>He almost jumped when he felt the older one nudge his shoulder, “No need to make such a sad face. You won’t have to wait for long, man.” <br/>Lewis grinned and Max felt his cheeks grow hot, not for the first time wondering how the other man had seen him through this quickly. It made him wonder if Lewis was able to read him like a book. When he sent a questioning look into the Brit’s direction, he rolled his eyes at him, pulling him along towards a stand with plant-based burgers. <br/>“There’s a first time for everything,” Max mumbled, adding “I’ll get whatever he’s getting” once Lewis had placed his order.</p><p>The burgers turned out to be surprisingly delicious, which Lewis and the two girls commented with a smug smile, and once they had all eaten, they made their way towards 20 Fenchurch Street. <br/>The building was set on the other side of the Thames, and they went there by foot, as the distance didn’t even cover a mile and barely took them 15 minutes to get there. Sky Garden was located in between a bunch of other skyscrapers and once they had reached the address, Max had to put his head back to see all the way up to the top, getting a glimpse of the terrace that was attached to Sky Garden, as Lewis had informed him. <br/><br/>“They call this the walkie-talkie, because of its form,” Hannah explained to him, “and it has also been voted Britain’s ugliest building in 2015.” <br/>She laughed quietly, “You know, I’m an architect and I can’t really see their point.” <br/>Max didn’t do so either, for he found the shape of the building in front of them rather interesting. And it did resemble a walkie-talkie – although it reminded him even more of a Wii controller, built with glass and steel. <br/><br/>As entrance was free at this hour of the day, they had to queue, even though the doors hadn’t even opened yet and they were half an hour early. But everyone was eager to watch the sunset from above and was therefore happily willing to join the elongating queue. <br/>“So, has Dan just been exaggerating once again or is this place actually as <em>breathtakingly beautiful</em> as he made it out to be?” Max asked, the question directed at Lewis. <br/>The Brit chuckled, taking off his reflective sunglasses now that the sun was low enough to disappear behind the other skyscrapers. <br/>“Trust me, he hasn’t been exaggerating. I know he tends to do that a lot but this place is magical.” <br/>“You’re setting the bar quite high, you know that?” <br/>The Brit smirked, “Yeah, probably. And you’re not claustrophobic, are you?” <br/>“Why, is this garden that small?” <br/>Lewis rolled his eyes at him, “No, man. But the lift is.” <br/><br/>Max blinked at the older one, until he eventually swallowed, feeling the palms of his hands getting sweaty. <br/>Lewis’ smile dropped, “Wait. Are you serious?” <br/>“I-…” Max started, uncomfortable shifting his weight from one leg to the other, “I just don’t like small spaces.” <br/>“There are probably stairs but I don’t think they’re open for visitors and it would take you forever to get up there,” Lewis said, looking a bit worried. <br/>“It’s one of the fastest lifts in Europe, if that helps,” Hannah jumped in, shooting him an apologetic glance. Max felt a knot forming in his stomach. <br/><em>Of course there would be a lift, why hadn’t he thought of that before</em>?<br/><br/>“I mean, if you’d rather not…” Lewis said, shrugging his shoulders, leaving his sentence unfinished. Max shook his head, “No, I can do this. I’m not a little boy anymore.” <br/>Lewis’ gaze flickered over his face, “Claustrophobia isn’t something that sorts itself out over time, man.” <br/>Max didn’t reply to that, because he knew that if he’d step down now he would just act like a baby, and despite everything, he was actually looking forward to the view the others had described so scenically before. <br/>“No, it’s fine,” Max assured the rest of the group, “it’s nothing serious. I can do that.” <br/>He almost held his breath on the way through the security check that reminded him of an airport, swallowing hard while they were waiting for the lift to return to the ground floor.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I would love to interact a bit more with you, so please let me know what you think about this chapter and/or the story so far :)<br/>Kudos would be very appreciated </p><p>All the love,<br/>johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He got – relatively – lucky though, because there was a group behind them that wanted to share a lift ride, which meant that they were only the four of them that stepped into the small cabin. <br/>And Hannah had been right – the ride was over before Max had even realized that it had started. However, he felt his pulse picking up speed and he had to close his eyes in order to focus on his breathing – which also helped a little, considering that he now wasn’t able to see just how small the cabin was, anymore. <br/>“You sure you’re okay, man?” Lewis asked, a second before the doors of the lift opened again, and Max nodded, although his stomach felt like it had done a looping. <br/>When they eventually left the cabin, stepping out into what seemed like a corridor that opened up to a bigger space, Max felt a bit taken aback by the sight of it, all oxygen leaving his lungs.<br/><br/>The area that had opened up was way more spacious than he had imagined it to be, the glass front that was at least fifteen metres high guiding his gaze up to the ceiling of the enormous hall that was made of glass as well. <br/>The room was flooded by the golden light of the setting evening sun, causing Max to blink a few times before he could make out more. <br/>The floor was equipped with lounge furniture and several bar tables, all of them tagged with a label that read “reserved”. Max had a feeling that booking one of the tables for the evening cost more than he earned in a day. <br/><br/>His gaze wandered farther and he spotted a 360°bar counter in the middle of the area, serving cocktails as well as coffee. He turned around and could now see that to each side of this floor, there were large stairs leading up to the other side of Sky Garden, tropical plants and small trees that almost seemed to sparkle in the light filling the space. <br/>The glass front was facing the Thames and the place in general offered a 360° view over the city, as Max supposed. <br/>In awe, he followed Lewis and the rest towards the bar, only know spotting the small stage that was set up behind it. <br/>His gaze searched for Daniel, but Sky Garden was already very crowded, all sorts of people coming together to take a drink, enjoy some music and a breath-taking view. There were men in well-tailored suits, business-women in expensive robes, young adults that didn’t really seem to fit the former, as well as tourists that were huddling by the windows, trying to get the perfect picture of the sunset. The audience seemed to be a perfect reflection of London’s people, a bunch of people that didn’t really seem to sit well with each other and still somehow mixed perfectly. <br/><br/>Max tried to get another glimpse of the people setting up equipment on the stage, but the small crowd that had already gathered in front of it was blocking his view. <br/>“Do you want something to drink?” Lewis asked and he had to raise his voice in order for Max to understand him. The Brit pointed at the bar and the Dutchman was snapped out of his thoughts, still startled by this place. <br/><br/>“Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coke. Thanks.” <br/>“Anyone else?” <br/>Hannah ordered a martini and Sienna went with a beer, as to which Lewis promised to be back soon. <br/>“Do you want to go outside?” Sienna asked, and Max only now noticed the terrace behind the glass front. <br/>He pulled a grimace, “I’ll do without that, thanks.” <br/>“You’re afraid of heights?” <br/>Max shrugged, “No, but it seems a bit too crowded for my taste.” <br/>“The claustrophobia, yes,” Sienna said and the Dutchman nodded along. <br/><br/>While they were waiting for Lewis to return with the drinks, Max actually felt himself grow excited to go and enjoy the view, watching the sunset. <br/>He still hadn’t spotted his Australian co-worker by the time that Lewis came back and pushed a glass and a small bottle of coke into his hands, so he followed the others up the stairs on the eastside of the building. <br/>Small illustrations on the glass made it easier to identify popular landmarks, and Max even made out the Olympian village of 2012 in the distance. <br/>He was even more impressed by the view that opened up once they had reached the Northern side of the Sky Garden, another enormous glass front granting a view at other skyscrapers of the financial district. The Gherkin seemed to stand just several metres away, its unique glass surface reflecting the sky that had turned into different shades of purple and gold by now. <br/><br/>Max wasn’t sure if he had ever seen something like this before, the mixture of colours, glass and architecture stunning him in silence. <br/>They found a less crowded spot in the back, from where they were able to watch London’s traffic deep down below. Without the skyscrapers in the way, Max wondered if one would be able to see the street in which Fernando’s coffee shop was placed. <br/>“It’s almost 07:30,” Sienna eventually declared, and Max guessed that Jonathan was supposed to start playing any time soon. <br/>“Let’s head back down?” Hannah proposed, and the others followed her lead, taking different stairs than the ones they had climbed before to get back to lower floor on the other side of the building. <br/><br/>They stopped hallway down the stairs, though, where a small area with seating accommodations in between and under plants had opened up, and while standing up, they now had a perfect view at the small stage. <br/>The music that had been playing in the background eventually stopped, and Max noticed Jonathan climbing the stage, taking off a hat he was wearing, in order to greet the audience. <br/>Max’s attention, whatsoever, was focused on searching for his co-worker amongst the crowd of people standing in front of the stage, and the Dutchman eventually thought that he could make out his curly head next to some speakers. <br/>“I’ll try to find a spot closer to the stage!” Max declared and the others didn’t seem to pay him much attention, while Jonathan was saying a few fords before soft guitar chords started to fill the room. <br/><br/>Max paved his way through the crowd, more or less stumbling down the stairs to the lower floor, where he had to push past the assemblage of people. <br/>Daniel had spotted him before there even was the need to approach him, and the Dutchman thought to see the older one’s brown eyes light up when he caught sight of him. <br/>“Maxy!” Dan exclaimed, pulling him over to where he was standing, “you’ve made it!” <br/>“Of course I did,” Max answered under his breath, tilting his head, to which the older one replied with a grin. <br/><br/>“So where are the others?” Dan asked, and he had to lean in in order for Max to understand him, with Jonathan’s – admittedly quite impressive – singing voice sounding from the speaker next to them. Max pointed at the little plateau about halfway up the stairs on the left hand side and Dan’s eyes followed the direction. <br/>“I’m really happy you’ve come!” Dan exclaimed, his mouth close to Max’s ear.<br/><br/>The Dutch wasn’t so sure if the older one meant him in particular or them as a group but it gave him a good feeling, anyway. That was something he liked about the Aussie. He always managed to make others feel good about themselves. <br/><br/>They stood next to each other, listening to Jonathan play for a couple of minutes. The singer and guitarist wasn’t the only one on stage, as he was accompanied by a drummer and a guy playing an e-bass. Max had to admit that he actually liked the sound of it. One could hear that the musician was usually focused on rock songs, but he played classics like “Mr. Brightside” with a jazz intonation that seemed to fit the after-work atmosphere really well, creating a relaxed rhythm to which a few people started dancing. Slowly, the audience separated into two groups – the ones just standing by, watching, and those that wanted to dance, creating a dance floor in front of the stage. Max automatically took a few steps back, stepping closer to the bar. He was actually so busy watching the band play their songs, that he didn’t even really notice the man that had been approaching Dan, only now and then noticing them talking from the corner of his eye. <br/><br/>It was when Dan eventually shot him a glance that Max could only interpret as <em>exciting</em>, that he tore his eyes away from the stage, focusing on Dan and the man standing next to him. The first thing that he noticed about the guy was that he was tall, the second being the fact that he had his hand on Daniel’s upper arm, fingers lightly curling around his biceps. He frowned at the scene, feeling his stomach sink, and <em>why the fuck did Dan need to display his gayness this openly once again</em>?<br/>Tall-guy asked the Australian something that Max couldn’t understand, but from reading the man’s lips he guessed it had been something along the lines of “want to dance?” <br/>It made Max feel sick. <br/><br/>“See ya,” Dan mouthed and Max just nodded, feeling paralyzed, while he watched how the guy took Daniel’s tattooed hand, guiding him onto the dancefloor. <br/>His eyes were basically glued to the scene when Dan placed his hand on the man’s hips, while his fingers interlaced with his partner’s. <br/>Max’s mouth suddenly felt dry and he had to cough to get rid of the feeling that he couldn’t seem to shake, though. <br/><br/>This just looked and felt so <em>wrong</em>, Max couldn’t even put a finger on it. All he knew was that watching the two men dance, their bodies indecently close for a public space, made him feel sick. So when had that happened? He hadn’t really known that he was this grossed out by openly displayed homosexuality, but then again he had never experienced it this vividly before, so how should he have known? <br/><br/>He realized in a bit of a shock that his hands had formed fist in disgust of the scene in front of him. He hadn’t felt anything like this before, and he was almost embarrassed to realize that he, in fact, apparently had a problem with someone being gay, despite always believing that he wasn’t like his father’s generation. <br/><br/>But the emotion he felt while watching Dan dance with that guy was most definitely disgust, making him feel sick to the core, which he couldn’t shake and couldn’t just swallow. <br/>So Max turned around, eventually managing to tear his gaze away from the scene. He hurried to get away from the dancefloor, pushing past a group of people, until his flight suddenly came to an abrupt halt when he knocked into someone, feeling cool liquid running down his arm. <br/><br/>“Hey!” someone called and Max groaned, looking up to realize that he had collided with a blond man in a navy blue suit. <br/>An <em>angry</em> blond man in an <em>expensive</em> navy blue suit that was now covered in the two drinks he had been balancing, dripping from his hands. <br/>“What do you think you’re doing?!” the man with greenish-blue eyes asked, with only the hint of a German accent. <br/>“This is a hugo boss suit!” <br/><br/>“Sorry,” Max mumbled, and the man’s lips formed a thin line. <br/>“A <em>sorry</em> doesn’t cover the bill to clean this mess up.” <br/>“Look,” Max started, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t see you.” <br/><br/>The blond let out a groan, his features softening a little. He then sighed, raising a hand in a way that said <em>forget it</em>. <br/>“Thanks,” Max mumbled, relieved that the guy was letting it slip. <br/>“Coming, Nico?” the woman by his side asked and said Nico nodded, shooting Max a last slightly annoyed glance before he disappeared in the crowd.</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ouhhhhh, look who has finally showed up!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Max was almost a little out of breath once he had climbed the stairs facing the east side, collapsing onto a stool shaped as a tree stump, not because he was exhausted from the short sprint but because he had actually forgotten to take in any oxygen. <br/>The leaves of a tropical plant provided some shelter from the other people around, whereas he was still able to watch over the lower floor, including the dancefloor and the stage.</p><p>Elbows on his thighs, he hid his face away in the palms of his hand, letting out a low groan. From up here, he wasn’t able to identify anyone below, and therefore the disgust that had been flooding his veins a couple of minutes earlier had died down a little. <br/>But he still felt his heart beating quickly in his chest, spreading a nasty feeling through his body with each steady pump. <br/><em>That’s it</em>, he thought. <br/><em>I’m a homophobe</em>.</p><p><br/>There was no denying it, not after what he had just experienced. It wasn’t nice to learn that about himself, wouldn’t have expected himself to be one of these people, but his feelings couldn’t lie, could they? <br/>He let his head sink in between his knees, as if hoping that from hiding away from the moment he was able to hide that part of him as well. Because Max didn’t want to be like that – he wanted to accept Dan for who he was. He had no right to be grossed out by his queerness. And yet, there it was, rushing through his body and sinking in his bones, creeping up his back, while the embarrassment made his face flush, a tingling hot sensation spreading on his skin. <br/>He’d have to suppress it.</p><p><br/>Would have to burry it so deep that it wouldn’t come in between his and Daniel’s friendship, that he valued and didn’t want to risk because of some shit that he would eventually have to sort out. <br/>Could he unlearn these homophobic thoughts?<br/>Was that even possible?</p><p><br/>Would he one day be able to watch Dan – or any of his other male friends – with another man without feeling like he wanted to throw up? <br/>He knew that he <em>had</em> to, if he wanted to remain close to the Australian. And maybe he could speak to Chili about it, after all. Because he was willing to change, wasn’t he? That had to count for something. At least he was aware that his thoughts were wrong and had to be fought before they could spread any further.</p><p><br/>It was all too much at that moment. The sound, the light show he wasn’t able to block out even though his eyes were closed and head in his hands, but mostly his thoughts that kept on pacing, the guilt of thinking these hateful things making him feel even worse.<br/><br/></p><p>Suddenly, a loud noise disrupted his train of thoughts, making Max jump, and he nearly knocked over his glass that he had placed on a stone beside him. <br/>Slowly, he looked up, and almost jumped a second time when he saw the blond guy – Nico, as a voice in the back of his head reminded him – standing next to him. <br/>And judging by the stool lying on the ground, overturned, Max guessed that the guy had kicked it. He suddenly felt rage boiling up in his stomach, because now that git couldn’t even let him have his moment of an existential crisis in peace. <br/><br/>To his surprise, his anger was mirrored on the blond’s face and for a moment Max wondered if it was directed at him, if Nico had come here to make a scene because of his suit, but the German hadn’t even spotted him yet and was instead letting out a series of curses in his mother tongue. As German wasn’t foreign to Max, the fury in the guy’s words stirred curiosity in him, and he examined the blond, still sour because he had been interrupted by his violent outburst. <br/><br/>“You tell me to watch my steps and then destroy foreign property?” he suddenly sneered, unable to hold the words in, and Nico’s gaze snapped up, furious eyes meeting his. <br/>“Excuse me?” <br/>Max could tell the exact moment that he recognized him, eyes widening a little. <br/><br/>“<em>You</em>.” <br/>“<em>Me</em>,” Max said, knowing damn well that he was walking on thin ice with his provocation and that it had been sheer luck that the guy hadn’t made him pay for the suit. But Max was in too much of an angry mood to care, ready to fight off the German, so he challenged him with a glance. <br/>“What makes you think you can just act like that?” he asked, pointing at the stool the guy had kicked with his feet. <br/>“You better shut up,” was the reply that he got and Max got up from where he was sitting, “this evening is some bullshit already and I don’t need a teenager who’s probably had a few drinks too much ruin it even further.” <br/><br/>Max snorted, “I guess you’re the one who had too many drinks.” <br/>From the look the guy gave him, Max wasn’t so sure if the next thing he’d feel was a fist colliding with his jaw, fury lighting up the German’s eyes once again. <br/>“And how bad can your evening even be? What kind of problems does a guy like you have?” Max kept on scoffing, knowing that he was getting closer and closer to starting a fistfight. But maybe that was exactly what he was going for. <br/><br/>“Was the champagne too warm? Was your golden credit card denied?”<br/>He could see a vein on the guy’s temple pulsing, his hands forming fists by his sides. But Max couldn’t stop anymore, felt like provoking the German was the way to let out the anger that had been piling up inside of him. <br/>“Did someone spill a drink all over your suit?” he smirked, his grin becoming wider when he saw the man’s eyes twitching, “did that blond girlfriend of yours cheat on you? Because, you know, I’d get her.” <br/><br/>The man mumbled something under his breath and Max’s eyebrows shot up, taking a step closer towards the other one. <br/>“What was that?” <br/>“I fucking wish!” the blond blurted out, so loud that a couple that was just passing by shot them distraught looks. <br/>“You <em>fucking wish</em>?” Max repeated, ready to push the guy’s chest, their gazes now permanently interlocked, eyes flashing in the dark, “who the fuck wishes for their girlfriend to cheat on them?”<br/>The German’s green eyes lit up with rage. <br/><br/>“What’s wrong with you, dude?” Max asked, incredulously staring at the man in front of him. Suddenly, something inside his brain clicked. <br/>“Wait,” he kept on staring at the guy, “did <em>you</em> cheat on your girlfriend?”<br/>The stunned silence that followed, and the way the blond abruptly avoided his gaze, told Max more than words could have been able to, and he took a step back. <br/>“Fucking hell, you truly are a git.”<br/><br/>The German’s gaze – Nico’s – snapped up at that, something threateningly pleading now written all over his face. Apparently, Max had hit a sore spot. It only encouraged him to keep going. <br/>“What sort of person cheats on their girlfriend? Are you mad?” <br/>The blond’s mouth opened and closed a several time, as if he was actually searching for an explanation, and Max almost gaped at him. Their power dynamics had somehow completely turned around now. <br/>Nico’s lips eventually parted again and his voice was barely more than a whisper when he spoke up, his voice almost trembling.<br/><br/>“It’s not like that.” <br/>Max’s brows shot up again. <br/>“That’s what everyone says, dude. It’s not a fucking explanation nor an excuse!” <br/>Why did he even care, though? <br/><br/>“I know!” Nico snapped, once again loud enough to make heads turn into their direction, and the German quickly lowered his voice, “I know.” <br/>“So what? That’s your explanation?” <br/>The older one quickly shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment. The anger that had been radiating from him only seconds before had completely vanished by now, and if the guy hadn’t just revealed that he had been cheating on his girlfriend <em>and</em> hadn’t shown to be such a git, Max would have probably felt sorry for him. <br/>“I just…” <br/>“You just <em>what</em>?”<br/><br/>Nico re-opened his eyes, green sparkling in the dim light that reached their place, and Max was almost curious to hear what was coming next. The guy seemed to be facing some serious conflict. <br/>“I just can’t let him go.” <br/>“You… <em>what</em>?” Max nearly stumbled over his own voice, choking on his words, while he wondered if he had maybe misheard the German.<br/>“You what?” <br/>“I can’t let him go!” <br/><br/>“You cheated on your girlfriend with a <em>bloke</em>?” <br/>“Don’t say it like that!” Nico snapped. <br/>“The cheating or the bloke part?” <br/>“Both!” <br/><br/>Max let out a humourless laugh because <em>of-fucking-course</em> he had run into another guy that was shagging dudes, let alone while they were actually in a relationship with a woman. Nico winced, bringing up a hand to cover his eyes. Max wasn’t really able to spare him any sympathy anymore, though. <br/>“You know, if I was in your shoes, I’d hate myself, too. Why the <em>fuck</em> are you in a relationship if you <em>can’t let him go</em>?” he air quoted the last words of his question. <br/><br/>“Because it’s always been like that!” <br/>“Sure, that explains it all!” <br/>“It’s fucking complicated, okay?!” <br/>“Yeah, it sounds like it is.” <br/>Nico took a deep breath, “I know it sucks, okay? No need to rub it in!” <br/><br/>“So you’re in a relationship with that woman – what’s her name?” <br/>“Vivian,” the German mumbled.<br/>“Vivian,” Max repeated, fighting the urge to snort again, “so you’re in a relationship with Vivian, whom I suppose you love, because otherwise you should have left her already.”<br/>Nico nodded blandly. <br/>“And then there’s this guy that you fuck and <em>can’t let go</em>. So you’re just keeping him on hold, or what? For when your girlfriend finally breaks up with you for being a shitty person and a liar?” The blond flinched at the words, but Max couldn’t feel sorry for him. <br/>Nico didn’t say anything and eventually the Dutchman let out a groan, shaking his head in disbelief. <br/><br/>“And here I was, thinking that you’re just an average prat whose judgement has been rotten by money; turns out you’re a next level prat without any morals at all.” <br/>But who was he, lecturing a guy about morals, when he had been disgusted by a friend’s sexual orientation barely half an hour ago? Then again, maybe that was exactly why lecturing the other man about it felt so good; because Max was indirectly moralising himself, reminding him of what a shitty person he was turning out to be. <br/><br/>“There’s no fucking reason to do that! A normal person doesn’t just risk a relationship with someone they love – as you claim – for a fuck! What the hell is wrong with you?” <br/>Nico still didn’t reply, and for some reason, Max felt anger rising in his guts once again. Who did this guy think he was, playing with his girlfriend’s feelings for some quick fun? <br/>How could he betray her like that, if he claimed to love her? He searched Nico’s face for an answer, shocked by what he had just learned about the guy, while he was unable to understand why he was acting the way that he did. <br/><br/>Incapable of seeing it through; why would someone do that? If he actually loved this Vivian – why would he cheat on her with that other guy? <br/>Max’s gaze suddenly snapped up, and from the way that Nico almost winced when their eyes met, he could tell that the German knew he had just seen him through.<br/><br/>“Fucking hell,” Max breathed, staring at the older one, “you - … you love that guy.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter 10!<br/>Which means we've got 1/4 of this story covered already!</p><p>I enjoyed writing this chapter A LOT, mainly because brocedes is my favourite ship to write about (well, maybe not, as I love Maxiel just as much, but brocedes just has it all; the drama, the heartbreak, the Shakespearean lovers...)</p><p>I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter and especially on Nico's situation. A bit of a dilemma that he's in, isn't it?</p><p>Kudos are any AO3 writer's fuel &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="userstuff module">
  <p>
    <strong>Chapter 11</strong>
  </p>
  <p>“What?” Nico snapped, but his eyes gave it away, anyhow. <br/>“You love him,” Max repeated, finding confirmation for his thesis in the look on the German’s face. <br/>“What makes you think that?” the older man asked, tension crackling in the air, while Max didn’t miss that Nico swallowed hard.<br/>“You’re either in love with the guy or you’re a sex addict, which would explain why a reasonable person – speaking in your favour here, man – would cheat on a person they love. If the latter is true, I’d recommend seeing a therapist.” <br/><br/>Nico’s shoulders fell down and Max was almost surprised to see how the German seemed to collapse into himself, sitting down on one of the bench-like rocks that seamed the garden. <br/>“So you’re in love with him,” Max stated and hesitated, before he eventually sat down next to the blond. The music was still on but it suddenly sounded more quiet, like Max’s brain was blocking out all the sensations around him.<br/>“I’m <em>not</em>. I love Vivian.” <br/><br/>Max snorted, “Yeah, as if it works that way.” <br/>He felt Nico’s gaze on his skin, catching the German looking at him in confusion. <br/>“Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you can’t develop feelings for another person, does it?” <br/>The frown on Nico’s face deepened, “No, that’s exactly what loving someone means.” <br/><br/>“And how is that working out for you?” Max asked challengingly, watching Nico’s shoulders fall down a little more, if that even possible. <br/>“I don’t love him.” <br/>“Sure, buddy,” Max commented sarcastically, raising his eyebrows at the older one, “so the reason you’re fucking him is because the sex is that good? I don’t know which explanation is worse, man.” <br/>Even in the dim light he could make out that the German was blushing, his golden skin turning a bright pink colour. Nico then hid away his face in his palms, letting out a pained groan. <br/>“I don’t know.” <br/><br/>“What’s so bad about saying it out loud?” Max asked, while he was somehow still trying to grasp how he had steered himself into this conversation about the fucked up love-life of the guy whose suit he had ruined half an hour ago. <br/>“I just don’t love him, okay!” Nico snapped and Max thought <em>interesting</em>, the pink on Nico’s face turning into a darker shade of red. <br/>“So he means nothing to you, then,” he teased, and didn’t miss the German flinching at the words, “he’s just a casual hook-up.” <br/>Nico shook his head, conflict obviously tearing him apart. <br/><br/>“He’s -…” the German started but cut himself off mid-sentence, eyes dropping to the flower. <br/>“Yes? He’s…?” <br/>Nico shook his head, before he shrugged his shoulders and lifted his gaze, staring into the distance and London’s city lights below. <br/>“He’s my best friend,” he eventually whispered, while he clasped his wrist with his other hand, as if he needed something to hold on to in order to be able to get out these words. <br/><br/>“He’s your best friend…” Max breathed, closing his eyes for a quarter of a moment. <br/>“Was,” Nico corrected himself, “he was my best friend. We…” his eyes met Max’s for a moment, “we’re not really close anymore.” <br/>“You just told me you shag him.” <br/><br/>Nico let out a huff of breath, followed by a humourless chuckle, “Yeah, that’s some fucked up shit, isn’t it?” <br/>His cursing didn’t really suit his neat physical appearance, but Max had already condensed that by spilling the drink all over his clothes, anyway. <br/>Max sighed, “So let me sum it up. You’re cheating on your girlfriend with a guy that used to be your best friend but isn’t anymore and you’re definitely not in love with him… Did I get it right that far.”<br/><br/>Nico didn’t reply to that, and instead was back to staring off into the distance. <br/>Max cleared his voice, tone turning soft when he spoke up again, “You know, I won’t kill you if you admit you’re -…” <br/>“I <em>don’t</em>!” Nico snapped, and Max would have jumped if he hadn’t expected another harsh reaction of the German at his implications. <br/>“Yeah, yeah, I know. And I don’t want to force you, you know… Just thinking it could… help, maybe.” <br/>“What exactly?” <br/><br/>Max shot him a glance, “If you at least admitted it to yourself.” <br/>“I can’t,” Nico was sounding strained and where was that sudden sympathy coming from that Max now felt for the guy?<br/>“Why?” he asked quietly, patiently waiting for the German to acknowledge his question. <br/>Nico eventually turned to look at him in a way that said <em>isn’t it obvious</em>? <br/>Max just kept on waiting. <br/><br/>“He’s a man.” <br/>Max blinked at the German. <br/>“<em>That’s</em> what this is about? Internalized homophobia?” <br/>“Inter-what?” <br/>Max stared at Nico. <br/>“Internalized homophobia!”<br/>“I’m not homophobic!” <br/><br/>Max’s gaze dropped, “Yeah, that’s what I always thought of myself, too.” <br/>A slightly annoyed frown appeared on Nico’s face before it shifted to confusion, “Wait a minute, I can’t keep up. You’re homophobic?” <br/>Max turned to look at the blond. <br/>He didn’t know the guy. Didn’t even <em>like</em> him. Once they had parted ways after this conversation, he would in all likeliness never see him again, so why bother to hide anything? Wasn’t that what Nico had been counting on all the time, too? <br/>“Looks like I am.” <br/><br/>The question marks were written all over Nico’s face and Max let out a sigh, clasping his hands together. <br/>“A friend of mine is gay,” he hesitated but eventually thought <em>fuck it</em>, “and, I mean, I thought it was fine, because it’s none of my business, right?” <br/>“Right,” Nico made, and frowned, but then waited for Max to continue with his story. <br/>“Well, turns out I somehow think it <em>is</em> my business, because each time that I now actually see him with a man, I’m disgusted by it.”<br/>“What do you mean, you’re <em>disgusted by it</em>?”<br/><br/>“I mean what I say,” Max shrugged, “I know it’s wrong, spare me the morals, but seeing him flirt with other man makes me feel sick. It just feels wrong.” <br/>“It makes you… sick,” Nico repeated, sounding somewhat disbelieving. <br/>“Yeah, I guess that’s what describes it best. I’m grossed out by it and rather wouldn’t look at it at all. But it’s not like I can tell him and avoid these situations,” Max scoffed. <br/>“You’re… grossed out by it…” Nico repeated his words once again and his eyes had widened, while the Dutchman was wondering if the older man was perhaps even gaping at him. <br/><br/>“Sorry, man, I mean, you’re obviously attracted to guys as well and I’m not… I’m totally fine with that, really.” <br/>Nico blinked. <br/>“So you have no problem with me… shagging… another man? You’re not disgusted by it?” <br/>“I… don’t think so?” <br/>“Oh boy,” Nico said and sighed. “Ohhh, boy,” he repeated, voice barely audible while he shook his head, eyes never leaving Max’s face. <br/>“What?” Max asked and frowned, urging the German to answer him by asking the question a second time. But Nico didn’t reply to him, just kept on shaking his head, staring at Max in a way that was starting to drive him nuts. <br/><br/>“What is it?” <br/>The blond let out another one of these cryptic sighs and Max shot him a glance that shut him right up. <br/>“I… I think you’ve got some serious stuff to sort out, Max,” Nico raised his hands, mirroring a gesture of surrender, “but that’s just my opinion.” <br/>“I know,” Max said, thinking of all the hateful things he had thought over the course of the last week, each time that he had witnessed some man-to-man flirting. <br/>“No,” Nico said, shaking his head another time, “I don’t think you do.” <br/><br/>Max wasn’t exactly sure what Nico meant with that comment but maybe he was right, after all. Max wasn’t even able to grasp the extent of his own homophobia, was he? It was still completely new to him, as he had never before been confronted with that topic. At least not in the way that he had to deal with it right now, with a person he spent that much time with in the centre of attention. <br/>Nico looked at him in a way that made Max wonder if the German expected him to say another thing until the older one eventually looked away, coming back to staring in the distance. <br/><br/>“Just… just don’t tell that friend of yours, okay? It’s not cool. Not until you’ve sorted… your shit out.” <br/>Max nodded, Nico’s words confirming what he had been thinking, anyway. <br/>Of course he couldn’t just tell Daniel about it. He wasn’t an idiot. <br/>“I can’t really give you the advice to keep your feelings locked up as well, because you definitely need to be more open about them,” Max said, watching the older one’s reaction. <br/><br/>“Are you mad?” was the only reaction he got and the Dutchman had already expected something alike. <br/>“How do you think this will go, then?” he asked, challenging the German, while he was aware that there was no proper answer to his question, anyway. <br/>“Your girlfriend will find out, eventually. If she doesn’t know already.” <br/>Nico’s face went pale at that comment, like that was a possibility that he hadn’t thought about before. <br/>“I mean, does that guy even know that he actually means something to you? You said you used to be best friends, so he must know you to some extent.” <br/>Nico had returned to studying the floor by now. <br/><br/>“I don’t know. We don’t talk about these types of things,” Max could see his cheeks blush once again, “we don’t really talk much at all, anymore.” <br/>“I can… imagine…” Max shook his head to get rid of the images. <br/>“No,” Nico said, “it’s not like that. Not… not entirely. It’s just… we don’t really have anything to say to each other.” <br/>“It rather sounds like you have a <em>massive</em> amount of things to say.”<br/>Nico sighed, propping his chin up on the knuckles of his hands, “Yeah, maybe.” <br/><br/>“You know, if I’m honest with you, then I’ve gotta say that I have no idea how you could possibly sort this out.” <br/>The German chuckled at that, although it sounded more desperate than actually amused. Max could understand, but despite the sympathy he was feeling for the other man by now, he hadn’t forgotten that he had made some serious asshole moves. <br/>“Except for if they’re both fine with an… I don’t know… open relationship sort of thing.” <br/>Nico snorted, letting out a huff. <br/><br/>Max shrugged his shoulders. <br/>“Maybe you’d be surprised.” <br/>“I don’t think… He doesn’t… he doesn’t like me like that.” <br/>“Did he say so? Otherwise you can’t know that.” <br/>“I know him,” Nico said, as if that explained it all. <br/>“No offense, but I feel like if you two actually knew each other, things would have turned out a bit differently. You’re only guessing what he thinks, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.” <br/><br/>“You sound like a smartass,” the blond remarked.<br/>“And you still sound like a rich prat, so I don’t know what’s worse,” Max shot back and that drew another chuckle from Nico, and this time it reached his eyes. <br/>“Easy there. I could still charge you with the cleaning of my suit. Your luck that I don’t even know your name, yet.” <br/>“Oh,” the Dutchman said, contemplating whether Nico actually meant what he was saying and if it would therefore be more clever to hold back his name, “I’m Max.” <br/>He extended a hand and the German took it. A smirk started playing on the blond man’s lips.<br/><br/>“Hey, Max. Now what’s your last name and where should I mail the bill?” <br/>The younger one rolled his eyes, “You’re not funny, you know.” <br/>Nico laughed, green eyes reflecting patches of the light around them. <br/>“So I’ve been told.”<br/><br/></p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>it's race week end again, so here's the new chapter.<br/>Please let me know what you think about Nico's situation (hehe) and it would be super super kind if you left kudos</p><p>all the love,<br/>johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 12</strong>
</p><p>“Where have you been?” Dan asked once Max had made it back downstairs. He had said goodbye to Nico with a handshake, but not without reminding him yet another time to talk to that guy he was having such a complicated relationship with, for his own and his girlfriend’s good. He had actually felt sympathy for Nico, when he had turned around briefly, shooting him a last look. The German had still seemed a bit lost, unsure how to proceed with things. Max could understand it, in a way. The guy had steered himself into a situation that couldn’t be solved without hurting at least once party and would probably end with three broken hearts, altogether.<br/>
<br/>
And then it had taken him quite a while to find anyone of his group, partly because the area was even more crowded by now, but mainly because he was only half-heartedly looking out for his co-workers, not exactly keen on spotting the Australian with this date another time.<br/>
(Even though that would have probably been the correct way to do things; be confronted with reality and just fucking <em>deal</em> with it).<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“I’ve… I’ve met someone,” Max eventually explained to Daniel, who wasn’t accompanied by either the man he had been dancing with, nor Lewis or one of the girls.<br/>
Dan’s eyes flickered, “You’ve met someone? Someone you know?”<br/>
Max shook his head but then nodded, “Yeah… no…” he waved his hand, “long story. Where’s the rest?”<br/>
“Hannah and Lewis are at the other bar,” Dan pointed up the stairs,” and Sienna disappeared somewhere.”<br/>
<br/>
“What about you? What were you up to before I ran into you?” Max asked.<br/>
Dan shrugged, “I’ve got a bit of a headache. I was actually thinking of heading home.”<br/>
Max’s glanced at his watch. He hadn’t noticed that he had been talking to Nico for so long, even though the night was still relatively young in terms of “going out”.<br/>
“Oh,” the Dutchman made, “I’m sorry to hear that.”<br/>
“Yeah,” Dan pulled a grimace, “it happens.”<br/>
<br/>
He sighed, “So I’ve already told Hannah and Lewis and I had just been looking for you to inform you.”<br/>
“You know, if you want, I can bring you home, or something,” Max proposed and caught Dan’s surprised gaze.<br/>
“No, Max, it’s just a small headache …”<br/>
“Yeah, I mean, if you want to leave on your own, it’s fine,” Max shrugged, “but it’s no effort.”<br/>
Dan shook his head, “It’s still early, you don’t have to leave yet.”<br/>
“I really don’t mind, Dan. I’ve thought of leaving, too, to be honest.”<br/>
Dan’s eyebrows shot up at that, “Really? Why?”<br/>
<br/>
“Ehh,” Max made, now that Dan wasn’t going to dance with strange men anymore, anyway, lacking an argument – even though he wouldn’t have been able to tell that to Daniel, anyhow.<br/>
“You don’t like the place?” Dan asked, and almost sounded personally affronted.<br/>
Max made sure to quickly shake his head, “No! I really like it!” And that wasn’t even a lie.<br/>
“So why would you want to leave, then? Did something happen?”<br/>
Max hadn’t been aware that the Aussie was <em>this</em> nosy, and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to reply to that.<br/>
“I guess… I’m just not feeling so well, today,” Max answered and he could tell that Dan had caught up on the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it. The curiosity was still written all over face, anyway.<br/>
<br/>
It was gone rather quickly, though, and was replaced by a smile, “In that case… Yeah, would be nice to have you join me on the way home.”<br/>
Despite never being to Dan’s place, Max knew that the Aussie’s flat, which he shared with two other people, was pretty close to Fernando’s. That way, they would have to take almost the same route back home.</p><p>“So, um,” Max started, while he was fallowing Daniel towards the elevators, “did you have a good time, otherwise?”<br/>
“Today, you mean?” Dan asked, turning around a little to face him. Max nodded.<br/>
“Yeah,” the older one said, his Aussie accent even a bit stronger than usual, while a small smile started playing on his lips.<br/>
“And… are you going to see him again?” Max asked, whilst mentally banging his head against the nearby wall. Why was he even asking these questions?! He didn’t want to know! He didn’t want to know anything about Dan that included sexual or romantic relations to other men!<br/>
Dan chuckled softly, before he slightly shook his head, “I don’t think so.”<br/>
Max’s gaze snapped up, “You don’t?”<br/>
<br/>
Dan looked at him, shaking his head another time.<br/>
“Why not?”<br/>
Max bit down on his tongue, hard enough to draw blood, and he cursed himself for not being able to keep his mouth shut just once.<br/>
“I don’t know… He seems like a nice bloke… just not…”<br/>
<br/>
“Your type?” Max jumped in, while he was searching his memory for a picture of the guy to see what he actually looked like. But apart from <em>tall</em> and <em>hand on Dan’s arm</em>, his brain apparently hadn’t saved any information on him.  <br/>
“Yeah, probably,” Dan answered and now <em>Max</em> had the impression that the Australian wasn’t keen on telling him more about it. He shot his co-worker a sideway glance once they had reached the elevators and Daniel had hit one of the buttons.<br/>
<br/>
As much as he wanted to know more about it – or at least some part of him wanted to, while the rest of him, probably the only sanity what was left in him, screamed to not push it any further – he didn’t get the chance, as there was another group of people arriving that wanted to ride down with them. The elevator arrived shortly after, and to Max’s horror, the whole group of about 10 persons pushed into the small cabin with them, pushing him and Dan into the far back of the elevator, where the doors would open once they had arrived downstairs.<br/>
<br/>
His legs were now aligned with those of the Australian, and Dan’s arms were sliding against his by the time that everyone had found their spot in the cabin. Max had to swallow hard, gaze wandering to the little sign on the wall that told how much weight the elevator could take, while he was mentally calculating the number of people inside.<br/>
Dan didn’t seem to notice any of the sudden panic that was flooding the Dutchman’s veins now, of course he didn’t, as he hadn’t been with them earlier that day when he had told Lewis about his condition.<br/>
<br/>
With everyone trying to find a little room to breathe, no one had pushed the buttons yet, and Max closed his eyes, biting down on his lip to prevent a groan from slipping out.<br/>
<em>Get a grip</em>, he told himself, <em>don’t act like a baby</em>.<br/>
But with Daniel and a bunch of other strangers pushing against him, squeezing all remaining oxygen out of his lungs, Max started to feel like he couldn’t breathe. Wanted to shout at the giggling couple by the other end of the cabin to just fucking hit the buttons now, or else…<br/>
But he kept his lips sealed, swallowing every word that could have left his mouth, while he felt his arms going numb, hands forming fists in the pockets of his jeans. He also felt his face growing cold, while his breath was coming shorter now, pulse picking up speed when his body registered that there wasn’t enough oxygen to pump through his veins anymore.<br/>
<br/>
<em>Not now, not now, not now….<br/>
</em>Max reopened his eyes, hoping it would stop his thoughts from spiralling down, but the bright lights of the elevator just made him squint, blinking a few times. Once he was able to make out the figures of the other people in the cabin again, he felt his stomach sink, numb arms now feeling all tingly, while he had to lean even further back against the wall, trying to find something to hold on to. It was already too late when he realized that the <em>something</em> he had grabbed to hold on to was in fact a very warm, very <em>human</em> piece of flesh that belonged to a very <em>Australian</em> body standing next to him. But Max wasn’t really in a position to care much about how he was holding on to Dan’s arm as if he was holding on for dear life, as his heart was beating in his throat, making it almost impossible to breathe while at the same time, his body forced him to breathe faster, gasping for air whereas his legs felt like they would give in any second.<br/>
<br/>
“Max!” Dan called out, grabbing the Dutchman’s other arm to turn him around, forcing him to look at the Aussie.<br/>
“Fuck, Max! What’s wrong?”<br/>
The younger one was able to hear the words that were directed at him, however he wasn’t capable to actually process them let alone answer. Instead, his legs were actually giving in by now and his vision started to get blurry, his field of view growing dark around the edges. It forced him to squat down, pulling Dan down with him as a consequence of his claw-like grip on his arm. He could hear his blood rushing in his ears, could hear his abnormally loud and too fast breathing filling the small cabin. Some part of his brain also registered that he was now in the centre of attention, but his vision was limited to his co-worker kneeling in front of him, staring at him with big, worried eyes.<br/>
<br/>
Max saw Daniel’s lips move, but the words didn’t reach his ears, felt the Australian shake him slightly as if to get his attention, but the Dutchman wasn’t able to react, panic taking over every fibre of his body.<br/>
And then, suddenly, they almost fell out of the elevator when the doors slid open. Max hadn’t even realized that they had started moving downwards, but his breath was still coming way too fast. With wide eyes that started to grow watery from not blinking, he registered how the other people from inside the elevator stepped around them, politely leaving the cabin as quickly as possible. Dan prevented the doors from sliding shut again by placing his feet in the frame.<br/>
<br/>
“Max!” the Dutchman heard him call out again, voice sounding muffled.<br/>
“Come on, Max, we’ll have to get you out of here!”<br/>
Despite his physical fitness, it took the Australian several attempts to lift Max up, wrapping an arm around the younger one’s waist that allowed him to hold him upright and help him out of the elevator. The Aussie somehow manoeuvred him towards a single black armchair in the foyer of 20 Fenchurch Street, where Max collapsed into the leather. It took him a couple of minutes to catch his breath again, even though the clenched feeling in his chest didn’t want to go away just now. Daniel had squatted down in front of the armchair in the meantime, one hand placed on Max’s knee, spreading warmth throughout his thigh.<br/>
<br/>
The worried look on Dan’s face only seemed to make it worse, heat creeping up Max’s spine at the embarrassment of having shown such weakness in front of his co-worker and friend.<br/>
Neither of them said a word, with Max still feeling a bit sick, probably pale as a ghost, even though he could tell that Dan was just waiting for the right moment to ask him about what had just happened. Max tried to focus on breathing evenly, shoulders now and then still shaken by an abrupt intake of breath that hurt his lungs. Dan was waiting patiently in the meantime, watching him from dark eyes while his hand didn’t leave Max’s leg.<br/>
<br/>
The Dutchman felt another wave of heat running through his body when he felt Daniel’s thumb brushing over the inside of his knee in a comforting way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey everyone!<br/>I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.<br/>Please leave kudos if you liked this, it really motivates me a lot &lt;3</p><p>I hope everyone is staying home and staying safe.<br/>All the best,<br/>Johanna xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw; homophobic slurs</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 13</strong>
</p><p>“You feel like you’re ready to stand up?” Dan asked, head tilted to the side. He had stood up in front of the armchair and was holding out a hand for Max to grab. <br/>The younger one nodded slowly, not yet trusting his legs entirely. But at least the coldness had vanished, leaving behind cheeks that were heated up by embarrassment. He tried to avoid Dan’s gaze as stoically as possible, but he knew that at least when he’d let the Aussie help him up, he would have to face him eventually.<br/><br/>So he took Dan’s hand that was still as warm as it had felt on his knee seconds ago, and stood up on wobbly legs. The Australian’s grip tightened around his fingers, the older one’s other hand going for Max’s upper arm to stabilize him. Once Max was back on his feet, he felt a bit dizzy, but the feeling vanished quickly and he felt like he wouldn’t need Dan’s help anymore. But as if his co-worker had known what he was about to say, he shut him up with a stern glance. <br/><br/>“Take it slow, Verstappen,” Dan said Max didn’t really have the energy to protest, so he let Daniel guide him towards the exit, arm now somehow wrapped around his back to help him walk. The air had grown cold now that the night had arrived, and Max shivered, now even more aware of the warmth that was radiating from his friend. Daniel led them around the building, still not making any attempts to let go of Max. <br/><br/>“I’ll bring you home,” Dan said and it looked like smoke was leaving his mouth when he spoke. <br/>Max’s head turned to look at his co-worker, “No, <em>I</em> wanted to get <em>you</em> home -…”<br/>“That was before you collapsed in that elevator,” Daniel replied, and Max was almost shocked by the seriousness of his tone. Was Dan for some reason angry with him? He wasn’t used to these harsh lines around the Aussie’s lips, lacking even the smallest hint of a smile. And Max was so taken aback by it that he couldn’t even protest anymore. <br/>“We could take the 388 but that wouldn’t save us any time compared to walking,” Dan shot him a glance, “but if you’d rather take the bus…” <br/><br/>Max shook his head, “No, some fresh air and a walk will help.” <br/>“You sure?” Dan asked, gaze burning on Max’s cold skin. The Dutchman nodded but didn’t dare move too much, seeking the warmth of his co-worker’s body. They started walking down Fenchurch Street, passing several stores that were already closed at this hour of the day. The street was generally rather empty, all business people gone home, leaving behind an abandoned road without any restaurants or bars that would have created a buzz. <br/><br/>In a way, Max kept forgetting about Dan’s arm around his waist, reminded of it only each time that one of them shifted. Yet, in another way, he felt like he was hyper-aware of it all the time, seeking more of the warmth that the touch provided. <br/>“Are you feeling better?” Dan eventually asked and his voice sounded hoarse, probably due to the cold air that had long found its way through Max’s layers of clothing. <br/>The Dutchman wasn’t sure if his voice was to be trusted, so he nodded. <br/><br/>“Care to explain what happened in there?” Dan asked in a quiet voice, matching the empty street they were walking, only now and then passed by a cab or another vehicle. <br/>When Max didn’t answer, he felt Dan’s hand shifting on his arm. <br/>“Did you drink too much?” <br/><br/>The Dutchman frowned at the older one, whose tanned face seemed almost pale in the white light of the street. <br/>“Or, you know… did you take anything?”<br/><br/>“Take anything?” Max asked and cleared his throat with a cough, “what do you mean?” <br/>Dan shot him a sideway glance, “You’re from Amsterdam, you know what I mean.” <br/>Max’s eyes widened, “You think I took drugs?” <br/><br/>Dan abruptly stopped walking and as a consequence lost hold of Max’s waist. The Dutchman turned around to where his co-worker was standing under a door light of a closed fitness studio. <br/>“Did you?” the Australian asked, his gaze searching for an answer in his facial play. <br/>“I don’t take drugs!” Max called out, outraged by the assumption, “what even makes you <em>think</em> that?”<br/><br/>Dan had buried his hands deep in the pockets of his pants, shoulders up to protect himself against the cold. <br/>“What happened in the elevator looked like a horror trip to me,” Daniel explained in a calm voice, but that serious tone that made goose bumps arise on Max’s skin was still there. <br/>“And from what Lewis told me, you disappeared and he wasn’t able to find you anywhere.” <br/><br/>“You really think I’d take drugs on a night out with friends?” Max asked incredulously, emotion flaring up inside of him. <br/>“I don’t know,” Dan said and Max felt weirdly naked under his dark gaze that he wasn’t able to interpret. Max scoffed, “So that’s what you think of me? That I’d just spice up the night with some MDMA or what?” <br/><br/>A small frown appeared on Daniel’s face, “I said I don’t know.” <br/>“We’ve worked together for weeks! How can you say that you <em>don’t know</em>?”<br/>“How could I know, Max? There’s so much stuff you never talk about!” <br/>That statement somehow stole Max’s thunder and he took a step back, staring at the Australian, while Dan made a step towards him, dark eyes sparkling in the spare city lights. <br/><br/>“So yeah, maybe I think you disappeared to get hold of thin white lines. I don’t know!”<br/>What these words really meant, and Max was sure that Dan was aware of that as well, was <em>I don’t know you</em>. And Max couldn’t really argue with that, could he? He wasn’t even sure if he was in a position to say that he knew the Australian. <br/><br/>“And I’m telling you I didn’t!” Max called out, the coldness that had been sinking in his bones momentarily exceeded by anger. <br/>“Okay,” Dan simply said, in that calm voice of his that made Max feel like he had really pissed off the older one. This wasn’t fair!<br/>“Okay? Now what’s that supposed to mean?” he demanded, stepping closer towards the Australian until he was on eye level with him, irritably starring at the older one. <br/>Dan exhaled sharply, and from standing so close, Max could feel the warmth on his face. <br/><br/>“It means <em>okay</em>, as you’re not going to tell me what actually happened, anyway.”<br/>Daniel held his gaze, that <em>something</em> in his eyes eventually sparking Max to spill it out.   <br/>“I was suffering a panic attack!” <br/>He could tell the exact point in time when the information reached Dan’s brain, causing the Aussie to gape at him. <br/>“You… you what?” <br/><br/>“I was having a panic attack! Because I’m claustrophobic!” <br/>Dan stared at him for a couple of seconds, not saying anything, and it was when he let out a sigh that Max realized that what he had mistaken for anger had been something entirely different all along. <br/>Dan had been worried. <br/><br/>The Aussie closed his eyes for a second, and when he reopened them, there was another look displayed on his face. <br/>“I’m sorry.” <br/>Max’s gaze dropped to the floor and his shifting feet. <br/>“I shouldn’t have - …” <br/>“It’s fine,” Max cut him off. <br/>“No, I - …” <br/>Max looked up again, finding Dan’s brown eyes on himself. <br/>“You couldn’t have known.” <br/><br/>Dan opened his mouth but didn’t say anything, before he eventually averted his gaze. <br/>“Are you feeling better now?” <br/>Max was able to hear the worry in Dan’s voice now, and wasn’t sure how to reply to it. <br/>“Still a bit dizzy, but it’s alright. I’m freezing to death, though.”<br/>Dan’s gaze found his again. <br/>“Yeah, same here, mate.” <br/><br/>Max gave him a small sympathetic smile. <br/>“You know, if you’re still a bit dizzy, I better steady you, huh?” Dan asked, running a hand through his black curls. Max stared at the Australian, feeling his warmth even though they were still separated by a few decimetres. <br/>It was a tempting offer, given that his fingers felt like they would turn to ice soon. <br/>“Yeah,” Max said with a dry throat, “that would probably be best.”<br/><br/>Dan nodded and awkwardly placed his arm around Max’s back, who shivered once he was tucked against the older one’s side again. He tried his best not to lean into the touch to seek more of the Australian’s warmth, and like that, they continued walking, Max’s gaze fixed on the way their legs moved in unison. <br/>Eventually, they turned around a corner, leaving Fenchurch Street and entering an area that started to transform into the shape of Shoreditch, as Max knew it. <br/>The old, majestic houses of the financial district making room for brick walls and tattoo shops. <br/><br/>They had walked about 2/3 of the way to Fernando’s coffee shop, the first pieces of street art announcing that Brick Lane wasn’t so far away anymore either, when a scream suddenly disrupted the night, causing both Max and Dan to jump. <br/>Max’s head snapped around and found a group of men lurking in the entrance of a pub to their right and even though he hadn’t understood what one of them had said, his body released a great deal of adrenaline. <br/><br/>Dan had let go of him, dropping his arms, as if he had been burned, and Max didn’t get it at first, until one of the men repeated what he had apparently been shouting before another time. <br/>“Fucking benders!” <br/><br/>Max froze, turning on his spot until he was fully facing the group of men. <br/>“<em>The fuck</em> did you just say?” Max called back, and heard Dan gasp in shock. One man of the group started howling and the other two started to laugh. <br/>“Let’s go, Max,” Dan hissed and grabbed Max’s arm to pull him along, but the Dutchman shook him off. <br/>“Bloody Buggers!” someone called and Max’s teeth grinded.<br/><br/>He was ready to approach the group, when he felt Dan’s hand clench around his upper arm once again, this time strong enough to hold him back. His fingers curled around his biceps and the Dutch was sure that it would leave bruises, but the Australian didn’t let go and dragged him along. <br/>“What are you doing!” Max complained once Dan had pulled him around a corner, out of sight and hearing distance of the men by the pub. <br/>“This isn’t the time nor the place to punch some homophobes, Max,” Dan said, and he was breathing heavily, face hidden away by the shadows. <br/><br/>“I would have been able to handle them!” <br/>“No you wouldn’t!” Dan shot back. <br/>“They called us benders!”<br/>“So what?” Dan asked and sounded upset. <br/>“<em>So what</em>?”<br/><br/>“That’s what happens! It’s not the first nor won’t it be the last time someone calls me that! It’s not worth a fucking fistfight!” <br/>Max stared at the Australian in disbelief. <br/>“Why doesn’t this bother you at all?! I’m not even gay! We were just walking down the street!” <br/>Dan let out a humourless laugh, “So <em>that’s</em> what this is about? That they assumed you were gay?” <br/><br/>Max was completely taken aback by that question. Was that the reason for the anger that was currently making his body shiver? <br/>“So your problem isn’t that they used that term but that they used it on <em>you</em>, who isn’t even <em>gay</em>?” Dan kept asking, and his voice was trembling by now. Max didn’t need to see his eyes to know that the anger he himself was feeling in his guts was matched by Dan’s, even if for different reasons. When Max didn’t reply, Daniel let out a huff of breath. <br/>“You know what? Fuck you, Max.” <br/><br/>“No, Dan! This isn’t about me!” <br/>The Australian scoffed, “Yeah? You sure? Because I get the impression that things are about you most of the time.” <br/><br/>Dan’s words stirred something inside Max and before he could realize what he was doing, he had moved forward, grabbing the collar of the older one’s jacket.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>you know, it has been about a year since I've written this story and I kind of forgot how much I loved writing it until I read through this chapter again...<br/>It gave me back all the feels I had when I wrote this and I've got to say that I miss London so incredibly much. Without Covid, I would currently be studying in that city and shit... hurts.</p><p>Also; if you ever get the chance to visit London, you HAVE TO go to Sky Garden, since it is the most beautiful place in the world to me. </p><p>I hope everyone is doing well during these times, though. </p><p>Kudos and maybe a comment would mean the world to me, literally. </p><p>All the love,<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please note that this chapter includes further descriptions of (internalized) homophobia and panic attacks.<br/>look after yourself, peeps &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 14</strong>
</p><p>“I was trying to defend you, you dick!” Max groaned, fingers curled around Dan’s collar, as he was pulling Dan in. The older one was now so close that despite the dim light and the shadows that were swallowing them up, Max could see the Australian’s eyes twitching. <br/><br/>He hadn’t realized that Dan had placed his palm on his chest, fingers sprawled against the fabric of his shirt, ready to push him off any second. <br/>“I don’t need you to defend my honour, Max,” Dan said, but his voice had softened and had lost the sharpness around the edges. His words almost sounded like a sigh. <br/>Max cleared his throat and let go of Daniel, reaching out to straighten the jacket he had crumbled by holding onto it.<br/>“It’s not right, though,” Max mumbled, shoving his freezing hands into the pockets of his jeans. <br/>“Of course it’s not,” Dan nodded along, “but it happens.” <br/><br/>Max was aware that this was probably the reality of everyone that wasn’t straight-passing, but it made him so <em>angry</em>, made him feel helpless that someone like Dan had to endure this and wasn’t able to do anything about it without putting himself at risk.<br/>“They’re homophobes with barely half a brain.” <br/><br/>“That doesn’t make it any better,” Max groaned, and then he had to think of his conversation with Nico earlier in the evening. Hadn’t he himself declared that he was apparently homophobic? He was just like the men screaming slur words at couples passing by; he wasn’t any better than them. <br/><em>It’s not the same</em>, something inside of him protested, but he told it to shut up. <br/><br/>Of course it was. He didn’t like the sight of Dan with men and those guys hadn’t liked that exact same sight either. The only difference was that Max was aware that his thoughts very socially as well as morally unacceptable. That didn’t change anything about these thoughts themselves, though. <br/>He swallowed, barely able to look at Dan anymore with what he had just thought about. If Dan knew what he was thinking at that moment, the Aussie wouldn’t even want to speak to him ever again, would he? Max was just like that scum that had just harassed them on the street. <br/><br/>But despite the disgust he had felt when seeing Dan flirt with or touch a man, he just didn’t <em>get</em> it. What could make another person so hateful that they had to scream at strangers passing by? People loved who they loved, it wasn’t anyone’s business.<br/>And when looking at the Australian standing in front of him, he couldn’t get rid of the thought that it just wasn’t <em>fair</em>. Dan didn’t deserve this. <br/>Max was the one that deserved to be screamed at in the streets, for having these hateful thoughts that he was so painfully aware of to be wrong. He deserved to be pointed at and despised for that. <br/><br/>But not Dan, who didn’t choose who he loved and even if he <em>did</em>, was still entirely free to do so.<br/>“What are you thinking about?” Dan asked, and he sounded a bit worried, as if expecting Max to go back to the group of men to actually do punch one of them in the end. Max couldn’t blame him for thinking that. <br/>“Nothing,” he replied, and earned himself a sceptical glance from his co-worker. <br/>“Sure?” <br/>Max almost rolled his eyes. <br/><br/>“I won’t defend your honour if you don’t want me to, don’t worry.” <br/>Dan cracked a smile. <br/>“Okay.” <br/>“Okay,” Max repeated, and while they were staring at each other for a couple of seconds, he heard his teeth chattering due to the cold.<br/>“You’re cold,” Dan stated and Max was about to actually roll his eyes now. <br/>“Obviously.” <br/>Dan let out a sigh. <br/><br/>“Come here,” the Aussie then mumbled, a small smile playing on his lips. Max caught his gaze for a moment, feeling his cheeks heat up, both at what Dan had been proposing and also at how easily the older one had apparently seen him through. <br/>But he <em>was</em> freezing his ass off in his thin clothes and he <em>was</em> longing for the warmth Daniel had provided when he had been steadying him, so he swallowed all doubts and the embarrassment and stepped closer. <br/><br/>Dan didn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around the Dutchman once again and Max couldn’t help but lean into the touch, happily tugged against his friend’s side another time.<br/>“Better?” Dan asked and Max felt his ears grow hot, while he nodded along. <br/>“Better,” he replied and knew that Daniel was grinning, even though he didn’t bother to look up.</p><p>They left the pub and the dark alley behind and had soon reached a busier area, with lots of people having a night out and walking the streets, where they disappeared in the crowd. To Max’s relief, they didn’t receive any weird looks, let alone hateful comments. And Max wasn’t anywhere near close growing used to having Daniel’s arm around his waist, and instead was still hyper-aware of the spots where their bodies were touching. He wasn’t sure if the reason for that was that he was worried someone would mistake them for a couple once again, or if it was due to different reasons altogether, but he tried not to think about it too much. <br/>So what if someone would make a comment? <br/><br/>Dan didn’t seem to care about it that much – even though that was probably just the case because he was used to it by now, which was sad enough – so why did he?<br/>If necessary, Max <em>would</em> punch them, after all. It left a sour taste in his mouth, though, that he had to keep on wondering if the slurring men had just been a mirror of the thoughts and feelings Max was battling inside of him as well.<br/><br/></p><p>Dan had come into the coffee shop with him, lighting only a small lamp by the counter to make sure people passing by wouldn’t assume the café was still open. <br/>When he had started working one of the machines, Max had asked him what he was doing. But Dan hadn’t replied to him until he had eventually pushed a steaming cup of hot cocoa into the Dutchman’s hands that were still ice cold, shooting him a smile. <br/><br/>“This will warm you up,” Daniel commented and took the cup he had prepared for himself. <br/>“Thank you,” Max mumbled, wrapping his freezing fingers around the warm item, letting out a pleased sigh.</p><p>They sat down on the circular staircases leading up to Fernando’s apartment, thighs brushing against each other due to the limited space all the plants were providing. <br/>They were sipping their cocoa in silence for a while and a small lamp was flickering, illuminating the place in soft colour. <br/>“You feeling better now?” Dan eventually asked and Max looked at him in confusion. <br/>“Huh?” he made, thinking that the Aussie was referring to the almost-fistfight in the street. <br/>“Your panic attack,” Dan explained, both hands wrapped around his cup. Was that the number 3 tattooed on his pinkie finger? <br/><br/>“Oh, that,” Max said, gaze wandering to the rose inked into the back of Daniel’s other hand. <br/>“Yeah, <em>that</em>,” Dan echoed, and the Dutchman could hear a hint of amusement in his tone. <br/>“Yes, no, I mean… it’s all good now,” he looked up to give his friend a smile and found Dan looking at him already.<br/>“You know, you’d be allowed to tell if it wasn’t,” Dan said in a low voice, almost whispering as if he was afraid to wake up their sleeping boss. <br/>“What do you mean?” <br/><br/>“A panic attack is not a sign of weakness. It’s nothing you need to be ashamed of.”<br/>Max’s gaze quickly dropped and returned to studying the Australian’s fingers. They looked soft in the warm light of the café. <br/>“I’m not embarrassed by it,” Max mumbled, but he knew that his blushing cheeks would expose his words as a lie in case Dan was still looking at him. He didn’t dare to check. <br/>A sigh dropped from the older man’s lips and he didn’t say anything for a few seconds, taking another sip of his hot drink. <br/><br/>“Does it happen often?” he eventually asked, almost hesitantly. Max shrugged his shoulders. <br/>“To that extent?” he reflected on the question, “once or twice a year? Sometimes more often? I don’t know. Depends.” <br/>“On what?” <br/>He exhaled audibly, but the warm cocoa had apparently loosened his tongue. <br/>“On how I’m feeling, I guess.” <br/><br/>He felt Dan moving next to him and was sure that meant that the Australian was now looking at him again. <br/>“Does that mean you’re not feeling good at the moment?” he asked, and Max made the mistake to meet his gaze. He quickly looked away, though, because he was afraid that the honest concern he was reading in the older man’s eyes would make him say things he would surely regret having said the next morning. He would have to deal with the things that had happened on his own. It was what he was used to and what he was good at. No need to make a fuzz about things that he wasn’t able to change, anyway. <br/>“You know, I meant it when I said that you can always talk to me, Maxy.” <br/><br/>Max almost winced, wasn’t sure if because of the nickname or the softness in Dan’s voice. <br/>“Th-thank you,” Max managed to say, because he did not want to snub the older one. <br/>His glance was still focused on Daniel’s long fingers wrapped around the cup that was still giving off some warmth. <br/>“But I’m just claustrophobic. That’s all that happened.” <br/><br/>The words didn’t even ring true to his own ears, and yet, that was exactly what had happened, wasn’t it? There wasn’t any tragic backstory to why he had suffered a panic attack in the elevator. There had simply been too little room and too many people filling it. <br/>And yet, the silence from Daniel’s side that followed his statement almost felt like a comment, as if Dan was holding back what he was actually thinking and was still somehow expressing it by not saying anything at all. <br/><br/>But then why was there a feeling he wasn’t able to shake off, like Dan was on to something Max couldn’t even deny?<br/>He had never really thought much about his panic attacks before – he couldn’t say that he had become used to them, didn’t think that was even possible, but he had always pushed them back and tried to think as little about them as possible. <br/>Because as unpleasant as the experience was – it was explainable, wasn’t it? He was claustrophobic, ergo should just avoid situations that could trigger a reaction. It was that simple. <br/><br/>But he couldn’t deny that there had been countless situations when he hadn’t even been close to an anxiety attack, for example when taking the tube that was often much more crowded than the elevator had been this day. <br/>“Thanks for bringing me home, anyway,” Max said, blocking out all thoughts he wasn’t keen to follow right now. <br/>Dan chuckled softly. <br/><br/>“Of course, mate.” <br/>“What about your headache?” <br/>Dan sighed, “Forgotten until you’ve mentioned it.” <br/>Max couldn’t stop a smile from tugging on the corners of his lips, “I’m sorry.” <br/>Dan huffed, “Sure you are.”<br/><br/>Max pointed up the stairs, “I’ve got some painkillers upstairs, in case you need any.” <br/>Dan smirked, “Are you trying to lurk me into your room?” <br/><br/>Max <em>knew</em> it was a joke, yet he still felt his cheeks heat up.<br/>Dan obviously didn’t miss that and grinned at him, wiggling his eyebrows. <br/>“Another time, Maxy,” Dan said and got up from the stairs, yawning as if to make a point. They said goodbye and Max accompanied the Australian to the door, wishing him a good night. <br/><br/>His mind, however, was still busy repeating the words the older one had said to him. <br/><br/><em>Let himself be lurked into Max’s room or take the painkillers?</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know it's not a race weekend but I felt like giving you this chapter, anyway.<br/>Let me thank you for all the comments and kudos I've gotten on this story so far, it really means a lot &lt;3</p><p>All the love,<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 15</strong>
</p><p>“Have you <em>looked</em> at her?” Dan hissed, having crossed his arms in front of his chest in outrage.<br/>
“Yeah, I did,” Lewis replied, lips twitching.<br/>
“Then how can you even <em>think</em> she’s not attractive?” the Australian asked in disbelief.<br/>
“It’s just my personal opinion! No need to be offended, Dan!”<br/>
<br/>
But Daniel obviously didn’t agree, running a hand through his black curls while simultaneously letting out a sigh.<br/>
“Look at her! She’s gorgeous!” he protested, speaking as quietly as possible to not let the woman that was sitting by one of the windows know they were speaking about her.<br/>
“I get why you find her hot, Dan,” Lewis rolled his eyes, the corners of his mouth still twitching.<br/>
“No, Lew! She’s universally attractive! It’s an objective fact!”<br/>
<br/>
“An objective fact…” Lewis repeated, grinning smugly, “if you say so.”<br/>
“Ugh,” the Aussie let out a groan, pushing his best friend aside.<br/>
“You don’t get a say in this anymore. Max, come here!” he commanded and pulled over the Dutchman that had been eavesdropping their conversation in amusement.<br/>
“You’re into women, so tell me she’s hot!”<br/>
<br/>
“Um,” Max made, opening and closing his mouth, while his gaze was wandering over to said woman by the windows. She had dark long hair that she wore in a ponytail and a couple of strands had fallen into her face, hiding away her eyes. But she did have nice features, as far as Max could tell, and yeah, she was hot, wasn’t she? There wasn’t anything un-hot about her, Max guessed.<br/>
“Yes, she is?”<br/>
“Was that a question?” Lewis asked and chuckled.<br/>
<br/>
“No?” Max replied and the Brit laughed quietly.<br/>
“If you actually find her that attractive then get over there and ask her out!” Lewis suggested and Dan pulled a face. Max could relate.<br/>
“No!”<br/>
Lewis snorted, “Why not?! You’ve got nothing to lose!”<br/>
“I have plenty of things to lose!” Dan shot back and Lewis crossed his arms in front of his muscular chest, challenging the Australian with a look.<br/>
“Yeah? Like what, man?”<br/>
<br/>
“My… my…” Dan started, “my dignity, for example!”<br/>
Lewis snorted another time, raising an eyebrow, “Stop the whining and take a chance, just once!”<br/>
“I can’t!”<br/>
“Damn it, Dan! I’ve never seen a person as attractive as you are have such little self-esteem! You fake-flirt with customers all the fucking time!”<br/>
“That’s different!”<br/>
Lewis shot him a glance, “It really isn’t.”<br/>
<br/>
“Whatever,” Dan said, bending over the counter while holding himself upright on his elbows.<br/>
“I’m perfectly fine just watching her.”<br/>
“That sounds hella creepy, dude,” Max commented and Lewis shot him a grateful glance.<br/>
“Thanks, Max.”<br/>
<br/>
But Dan didn’t seem to pay them any attention anymore and was rather focused on the centre of his vision, who was currently taking a sip of her coffee, leaving red lipstick stains on the rim of the cup.<br/>
<br/>
“You just told us you can already picture her being the mother of your three children – two twin boys and an older sister – but you’re not even going to talk to her?”<br/>
“Exactly,” Dan mumbled, although Max wasn’t sure if he had actually listened to what Lewis had been saying.<br/>
“If it’s meant to be, she’ll notice me on her own,” Dan added.<br/>
“Man, you’re probably the hottest guy in this room right now – excluding myself – and she has definitely noticed you but <em>noticing you</em> and <em>making a move</em> are two different things!”<br/>
<br/>
“Hey!” Max protested but was ignored by his two co-workers.<br/>
“They’re two sides of the same medal,” Dan said in a dreamy voice and Lewis looked like he was ready to punch his best friend.<br/>
“That’s not how you use that idiom!”<br/>
“Don’t care,” Dan mumbled, eyes glued to the probably-not-mother-of-his-future-children, chin now resting on the knuckles of his hands.<br/>
“You should, Dan! Because she’ll never even speak a word to you if you don’t!”<br/>
<br/>
Dan turned towards the Brit at that, “You’re wrong because she’s already spoken to me when she ordered her coffee.”<br/>
Lewis rolled his eyes, “Yeah, the hazelnut latte with caramel drizzle. I remember.”<br/>
“She has excellent taste,” Dan replied, eyes wandering back.<br/>
“For someone who’s not afraid of tooth decay,” the older one mumbled and Max had to smirk. Lewis had a point, hadn’t he.<br/>
<br/>
“What exactly makes you think that the universe will sort this out for you, man?” Lewis then asked, leaning against the counter next to his best friend. It almost sounded like a rhetorical question, as if the Brit had asked that many times before but without ever having gotten a satisfying answer.<br/>
“It’s how it works!” Dan said, voice dripping with annoyance.<br/>
“It’s how what works?” Max asked, finding a spot next to his two co-workers, propping himself up on his elbows as well.<br/>
Dan turned around to look at him, “Romance! Look it up!”<br/>
<br/>
Both Max and Lewis weren’t able to hold in their laughter at this anymore but the Dutchman then felt sorry for his friend and placed a hand on his back.<br/>
“Don’t worry, Dan. Romance will find you, eventually. I’m sure.”<br/>
Daniel pulled a face at him but didn’t shrug him off, “Thanks, mate.”<br/>
Max caught Lewis’ amused gaze and replied with a smirk himself.<br/>
“I’m glad you agree on this, then,” the Brit said and clapped Dan’s back once himself, letting out a chuckle.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m not so sure if I agree with Dan.”<br/>
The Australian shot him a dark look.<br/>
“What! Lewis does have a point, no?”<br/>
“Lewis is so self-absorbed in his own tragic love stories that he’s forgotten what innocent romance looks like,” Dan groaned and Max didn’t ask what he meant by that, distracted by the Brit’s laughter.<br/>
<br/>
“Because you are personified innocence,” Lewis commented ironically and Max couldn’t help but chuckle.<br/>
“Tell him, Max!” Lewis demanded and Max looked at Lewis in confusion.<br/>
“Huh?”<br/>
“That he should get himself over there and ask her out on a date!”<br/>
<br/>
Max blinked at the older one, before his gaze came back to the woman sitting by herself. Yeah, maybe Dan should ask her out. Lewis was probably right, wasn’t he? If Dan wanted to get to know her, if he was sure that she could be <em>the one</em>, then the Aussie had to do something about it, right? Staring at her from a distance wouldn’t get him anywhere. So the Brit had a point with what he was saying and a good friend would probably convince the Australian to take his chance and not let it slip this easily, wouldn’t they?<br/>
But then again, Max also couldn’t deny that Daniel’s words had struck a chord inside of him. Maybe the Aussie wasn’t so wrong in saying that the universe would eventually sort it out for him, if it was truly meant to be.<br/>
The second Max realized that he had actually been thinking that, he felt like punching himself. When had he started to sound like his own grandmother?<br/>
<br/>
“This stuff only happens in movies, Dan,” he therefore said but a dark glance was all reaction he got from his older co-worker.<br/>
“You’re bloody pessimists. Both of you.”<br/>
“No,” Lewis insisted, “we’re realists who are only interested in your wellbeing. And you’re making this goddamn hard by being so stubborn, man.”<br/>
“It’s none of your business, anyway!” Dan complained, hiding his face away in his open palms.<br/>
“We’re your friends, of course it’s our business! We want you to be happy! And if that girl could achieve that, you need to talk to her!”<br/>
Max couldn’t deny that there was logic to Lewis’ words.<br/>
<br/>
“Tell him, Max!”<br/>
“What exactly am I supposed to tell him, now?” he asked, and Lewis looked at him as if that was plain obvious.<br/>
Max, however, was aware what Lewis wanted him to do but he didn’t really feel like talking Dan into asking this woman out. It was Daniel’s free decision what he wanted to do about it, wasn’t it? And if he didn’t want to pursue anything with that girl, then that was… okay. Great, even. Max thought it was the right thing to do, although he couldn’t really explain why. Lewis <em>was</em> right with what he had said, after all.<br/>
<br/>
But maybe Dan hadn’t been so wrong, either?<br/>
He felt a bit overwhelmed by the discussion that was dealing with such fundamental differences in world views, and he let out a sigh, chin resting on his knuckles, mirroring Daniel’s posture.<br/>
He wasn’t sure what exactly Lewis expected of him but he really didn’t feel like talking Dan into this right now and that woman did seem a bit weird, anyways, didn’t she?<br/>
Lewis had been right when he had said that she probably didn’t care much about her teeth and what kind of person didn’t care about their teeth? And what grown-up wanted to date someone that didn’t?<br/>
<br/>
(Max ignored the fact that he was probably to be counted amongst the latter group, but then again he wasn’t a potential partner for Daniel so it didn’t really matter, anyhow.)<br/>
But yeah, if the girl didn’t look after dental hygiene that much (her teeth had been dazzlingly white, though), there were probably lots of other things she didn’t properly care about, which didn’t make her a good choice for his friend.<br/>
Max nodded.<br/>
So that was the reason why he didn’t agree with Lewis on the get-Dan-to-talk-to-her issue. He had simply seen her through and her true nature wasn’t compatible with his cheery co-worker.<br/>
<br/>
“You know, I think Dan has the right to decide this on his own,” Max commented, looking straight ahead, but the outraged sound that Lewis made was enough for the Dutchman to guess what kind of look the Brit had been sending him behind Daniel’s back.<br/>
“Fine,” he could see Lewis throwing up his hands from the corners of his eyes, “but don’t you complain to me when you’ll end up as a lonely senior citizen in a single room apartment.”<br/>
<br/>
“Actually, needing a romantic partner to live a fulfilled life is just something society wants you to believe,” Daniel said and now Lewis actually gaped at his best friend.<br/>
“That coming from you? Who believes his love life will develop like a Disney holiday movie?”<br/>
Dan grinned at the Brit, “I’m full of surprises.”<br/>
“You’re full of bullshit.”<br/>
Dan blew Lewis a kiss, “That’s why you love me.”<br/>
“No, it’s just one of the reasons why I haven’t murdered you in your sleep so far. There’s a difference.”<br/>
<br/>
Dan playfully rolled his eyes and punched Lewis’ shoulders.<br/>
“Speaking of sleep,” Lewis said, changing the topic of their conversation, “or the lack, thereof. Have you invited Max to the party yet?”<br/>
“What party?” Max asked, expecting the worst, as he wasn’t too keen on going back to a crowded place with way too many people in one room after what had happened two days ago.<br/>
Dan turned towards him.<br/>
<br/>
“Me and my flatmates are throwing a small party on Friday,” the Australian explained, “it’s actually a combined birthday party, although said birthdays took place like, three months ago or so.”<br/>
“Hey, isn’t it your birthday next week as well?” Lewis asked and Dan shot him a surprised look.<br/>
“It’s your birthday next week? Why didn’t you tell me?”<br/>
<br/>
“Why was I supposed to tell you?” Max asked, groaning internally at the thought of being expected to celebrate in some way.<br/>
“How do you even know?” Max asked Lewis, mood dropping significantly.<br/>
“Fernando mentioned it. It’s probably in your contract, I guess.”<br/>
“Then we can celebrate your birthday, too!”<br/>
<br/>
“Doesn’t that bring bad luck? Considering it would be too early?” Lewis remarked and Max was doing his best to suppress a sigh.<br/>
“Mh,” Dan made and looked almost disappointed.<br/>
“But you’re coming to the party, aren’t you? You’ve never been to my place,” the Australian added and Max was <em>this</em> close to declining the offer, but then Dan tilted his head and damnit, how was Max supposed to be able to say no to that?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>it's race weekend, so here's the new chapter!<br/>I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and thanks so much for 200+ kudos! :)</p><p>all the love,<br/>Johanna xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 16</strong>
</p><p>Max was standing in front of a two-storey red brick building, holding a six pack of Dutch beer he had found in a supermarket close by, while he contemplated if he should go inside or not. It wasn’t that he was averse to parties in general – he did like too party with his friends back home in Amsterdam – but he wasn’t so sure if he actually fit the group of people that would be there. He had met two of Dan’s three flatmates just once, and both had been guys in their early 30s, covered in tattoos the way that Daniel was. They were about ten years older than himself and with Dan and Lewis, it didn’t bother him that much, because they were all talking the same language, so to speak. But he wasn’t keen on being the foreign young kid from Holland at that party, as he was just glad that he had been able to overcome that role at the coffee shop after a couple of weeks of working there.</p><p>It was already dark outside and Max had wondered how Dan’s neighbours weren’t disturbed by the music that they would probably be playing, but standing in front of the house now, Max got the impression that parties weren’t anything out of the usual in this area and maybe they had just invited their neighbours as well. Who knew. <br/><br/>Max let out a quiet sigh, before he rang the bell – although he was fairly sure that no one would hear him, anyway, as he could already hear music playing on the upper floor. <br/>He was surprised, though, when the door buzzed a couple of seconds later – no one even asked for his name – and Max let himself in, having a look around the stairwell. A pile of shoes was building up next to a door and two bikes were leaning against a wall in the back of the corridor. <br/><br/>Following the sound of the music, Max climbed the stairs that seemed to be aching under his weight, and eventually found himself in front of another door that had been left ajar for him. He pushed it open, immediately greeted by loud music sounding from speakers somewhere in the back of the flat and the smell of beer mixed with something else reached his nose the second he entered.<br/><br/>Being from Amsterdam, it took Max’s brain barely 0.2 seconds to identify that <em>something</em> he was smelling and his eyebrows shot up. <br/><em>Okay then</em>, he thought, tightening the grip on the beer he had brought, and closed the door behind him. He was standing in a corridor, with an open door that apparently lead into a kitchen at the other end of it, as well as another open door next to the kitchen that seemed like the centre of the place. Max was able to catch a glimpse of the room closest to him and spotted that it was an empty bedroom. He expected the two doors to his left and right to be bedrooms as well, which made the only door that was left the bathroom. <br/>He was a bit surprised by how big the flat seemed, at least for London standards, but there were four adults living here, even though it seemed like two of Dan’s flatmates had to share a room, with the number of doors. Max faintly remembered that Dan had mentioned once that one of his mates was dating the only female co-resident but he wasn’t sure. <br/><br/>The music that was playing in what Max expected to be some sort of living room or common space wasn’t exactly what he’d call his taste in music, but it wasn’t too bad either. Without knowing much about that genre, he would classify it as punk-rock or something alike. <br/>He was still standing by the main entrance of the flat, unsure if he should go and look for his friends in the kitchen or the living room, as he wasn’t exactly hyped to get pulled into a room full of strangers that were probably drunk already. Speaking of, getting drunk didn’t really seem like the worst thing he could be doing, so he opened a bottle of his beer and eventually peeked into the kitchen.<br/><br/>The room wasn’t exactly spacious but was nevertheless filled with four to five people, two of them sitting on counters while the others had taken place on a small table by a window facing the street. They were apparently engaged in a conversation and Max quickly searched the room for familiar faces, but couldn’t find any – or at least thought so at first, because he only spotted Sienna at second glance. She was sitting on the table with her back turned towards him, and he hadn’t recognized her at first because she had apparently dyed her hair in a different colour, long waves of turquoise now falling down her naked back and complementing her dark skin. <br/><br/>It probably would have been rude to not even say hello, so Max stepped further into the kitchen, the conversation stopping abruptly when a guy with short blond hair sitting on one of the counters saw him standing in the door frame. <br/>Sienna turned around at that and her dark eyes smiled at him when she spotted him. <br/><br/>“Max!” she called and got up from her seat, pulling him into a brief hug, “I didn’t know you’d come.” <br/>Max cracked a smile, “Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I’d show up either.” <br/>“Well, now you’re here,” she said and pointed at an empty chair, indicating that he should sit down. <br/>“You’re Dutch, right?” she asked, while Max let himself be manoeuvred over to the table. <br/>“Yes?” <br/><br/>Sienna shot the blond guy on the counter a triumphant glance, “I bet you can show us how to <em>properly</em> build a joint, huh? Eric here thinks he’s some smartass that needs to doubt my methods because he’s been to Amsterdam <em>once</em>.”<br/>Max sat down at the table, although he felt somewhat overwhelmed by the situation. <br/>“You know, just because I’m Dutch…” <br/>Sienna’s face fell. <br/><br/>“Are you saying you’ve lived in one of the greatest places in the world and you didn’t even learn how to properly build a joint? What are schools over there even teaching you?” She chuckled and Max could tell that she was a bit drunk. <br/>“Yeah… not that,” he said and laughed, getting an eye roll as a reply. <br/>“What a shame,” Sienna sighed and got back to handling the thin paper on the table. <br/>“So,” she said, once the thing in her hands looked relatively finished, “wanna give it a try, Max?” <br/>“What?” Max asked, staring at the joint she was holding out to him, “me?” <br/>“You see another Max around?” she asked and tilted her head, curls bouncing on top of her head. <br/>“Eh,” he made, eyes still glued to Sienna’s hands, “no, thanks.” <br/><br/>It wasn’t that he was opposed to drugs in general, but it probably wouldn’t be a wise idea to get high in a flat full of people he didn’t even know. Especially not with the panic attack he had been dealing with just a week ago. <br/>“You sure?” she asked but he liked that she didn’t seem to want to push him. The Dutchman nodded. <br/>“Okay,” Sienna said, withdrawing her hand and her offer. <br/>“More for us,” she grinned and revealed her piercing, the metal reflecting the dim light, causing it to sparkle. <br/>The blond guy on the counter – Eric – snatched the joint out of her hands and lit it with a smirk. <br/>Sienna protested half-heartedly but fell silent when Eric eventually handed it back over. <br/><br/>“Just say something if you do wanna try,” she remarked, exhaling a cloud of smoke into the kitchen. Max nodded. <br/>“Yeah, thanks,” he raised his bottle, “I guess I’ll stick with the beer.” <br/>She clinked her cigarette and his bottle together, chuckling softly. <br/>“Cheers, man.” <br/>“Cheers,” Max echoed, somewhat amused by the scene. <br/>Sienna leaned back in her chair, exhaling another time. <br/><br/>“So, how’s London so far?” <br/>The Dutchman shrugged, “It’s okay.” <br/>She grinned, “It’s starting to grow on you, isn’t it.”<br/>Max took a sip of his beer, “Not really.” <br/>Sienna pulled a face at him, “Liar.” <br/>“How would you know?” <br/>She shrugged her shoulders, “I just do.” <br/>Max shot her a sceptical glance. <br/><br/>“I like London’s people. On good days,” he added with a smirk, setting his bottle that was ¾ empty down on the kitchen table. <br/>“I see,” Sienna said and smirked, wiggling her eyebrows, while Max felt his cheeks flushing instantly. <br/>“Not like that!” he exclaimed, supporting his point by shaking his head.<br/>“Not like what?” she asked and her smirk grew wider, head tilted to the side. She raised one eyebrow again. <br/>Max’s cheeks were burning and he tried to blame it on the alcohol. <br/><br/>“I’m not… you know.” <br/>“Mh?” she asked innocently, waiting for a response from the Dutchman. <br/>“There’s no one I…” <br/>“Fuck?” she suggested and Max nearly choked on his beer. <br/>“I was going to say <em>like</em>!”<br/>“Sure buddy,” she grinned, “sure…” <br/><br/>Max rolled his eyes, despite the fact that his face still felt like it was on fire. Why was he this flustered by the suggestion, anyway? It wasn’t like he had anything to hide. <br/>Because even if he was involved with someone, it wouldn’t be something he’d have to be embarrassed by, was it? Carlos would probably give him a never ending series of high-five because of it. On the contrary, wasn’t it much more questionable hat he hadn’t been looking out for anything since he had arrived in London?<br/>He stared at his bottle of beer that was now sitting on the table.<br/><br/>Then again, it was probably just a logical consequence after what had happened when he had still been in Amsterdam. <br/>Which made him unsure if that fact was something to ease his worries or just make it even more worrisome altogether. <br/><em>Fuck this</em>, Max thought. There was absolutely no reason for him to feel bad about himself just because he wasn’t seeing anyone. As if being with a person would magically solve all of his problems. He shook his head. Doing so at this stage would probably just make everything worse, he thought. <br/>“You know, if you’re looking for someone… I’m a great matchmaker!” <br/><br/>“You are?” Max asked, not bothering to hide his scepticism. Sienna didn’t seem to pick it up, though. <br/>“She wishes she was,” Eric jumped in and Sienna sent him a death stare that shut him up for good. Max had to laugh at that. <br/>“Just tell me about your type and I’m sure I’ll find a willing person,” she explained and the tone of her voice gave away that the marijuana was starting to hit. <br/>“Willing to date or willing to fuck?” Max asked amusedly and Sienna wiggled her eyebrows, revealing her piercing once again when she grinned widely. <br/>“Whatever it is you need, darling.” <br/><br/>“Yeah, a man has needs,” Eric commented and Sienna shot another one of these glances his way. <br/>“First of all; not <em>all</em> men and second of all; not <em>just</em> men.” <br/>“Yeah?” Eric asked and smirked, “got any demand?” <br/>“Thanks, I’m good,” Sienna replied, “unless you were talking to Max, of course?” <br/><br/>Eric rolled his eyes and jumped down from the counter, snatching the joint out of Sienna’s hands, before he walked towards the kitchen door. <br/>“Hey! Where are you going!” Sienna called after him but Eric didn’t bother turning around. <br/>“Looking for better conversation!” he held up his middle finger, though Max could tell that his shoulders were shaking. <br/>“Love you too!” Sienna called after him, before she rolled her eyes and gave Max a smile.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter is a bit of a special one for me because as I've said before, this fanfic basically is set in the universe of the novel I'm currently writing (or like, it's on pause rn because of the Adventure Fic, but I'll pick it up again) and Sienna is an original character from my novel, so it would mean so much if you'd let me know what you think of this part.</p><p>All the love,<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 17</strong>
</p><p>Sienna looked after Eric for a couple of seconds, before she let out a sigh, “This is getting a bit boring, isn’t it?” <br/>She made a gesture that included the kitchen and Max tilted his head at her. <br/>“What do you want to do about it?” he asked, pushing his empty bottle onto the counter. Sienna shrugged her shoulders. <br/>“I don’t know. Do you have an idea?” <br/><br/>“Mh,” Max made and thought of what he had usually done at parties he had attended with his boys back in Amsterdam. <br/>“You know, when we were younger, we’d always play party games or something.” <br/>“Like board games?” Sienna asked. The Dutchman shook his head. <br/>“No. Truth or dare… Never have I ever… Spin the bottle… the usual, you know.” <br/><br/>Max didn’t miss how Sienna’s eyes lit up at that. <br/>“That’s a <em>fantastic</em> idea, Max!”<br/>He shot her a sceptical glance, “Aren’t we a bit old for that?” <br/>“<em>Aren’t we a bit old for that</em>,” she echoed, sounding like the mocking SpongeBob meme, which drew a chuckle from the younger one. <br/>“I’m not convinced,” he said and laughed, to which Sienna narrowed her eyes. <br/>“This is going to be FUN!”<br/>Max’s lips were twitching but he also admired the child-like enthusiasm that was radiating from her, so he didn’t want to let her down. <br/><br/>“If you say so…” <br/>“Hell yeah! Let’s find someone to play with! You,” she pulled down the girl that had been sitting on a counter top the whole time without saying a single word, “come with us. Still waters run deep, as they say.” <br/>She also dragged Max out of the kitchen with her, where she came to stop in front of the living room. <br/>“Have you seen Dan or Lewis anywhere?” <br/>Max shook his head, “Haven’t seen them at all since I arrived.” <br/><br/>He therefore peeked into the other room, where two sofas had been pushed to the side, making space for an improvised dancefloor with several people dancing while others had just sat down on the floor. The punk-rock music had changed to 90s hits in the meantime, and Max thought to spot Dan and Lewis standing in the back of the room, talking to a bunch of people the Dutchman had not been introduced to before. <br/><br/>“Dan! Lewis!” Sienna shouted as loud as she could, but the two didn’t seem to hear her. Maybe it was the alcohol or something else, but Max suddenly felt bold enough to try it as well, and when he shouted his friends’ names, he could see them turning towards the door in confusion. <br/>“Hey!” Max called, waving at his co-workers, who seemed to say something to the other people standing around, before they joined them in the hallway. <br/>“Didn’t know you’re here already!” Dan called once he was standing next to Max, pulling him into a quick hug after he had shut the door of the living room, blocking out at least some of the loud music. <br/><br/>“Yeah, kitchen,” Max said and pointed into said room, as if that explained everything. Dan beamed at him, before his gaze wandered over to Sienna, while Max greeted Lewis with a fist bump. His eyes then focused back on the Australian, who was the only one that had apparently dressed based on the hot temperatures in the flat. He was wearing a dark side cut shirt that seemed a couple of sizes too big, like most shirts Dan usually wore, and the cut-out revealed his ribs and shoulders that were – to Max’s surprise – bare of any tattoos. Max was also sure that looking from the side, one would be able to see Dan’s nipples, which was a fact that seemed highly inappropriate, even for a party, and was a thought that appeared weirdly out of place. The Australian surfer boy imagery that the side cut shirt was providing was topped off by the fact that Daniel was wearing flip flops, as if he was ready to go to the beach any minute, instead of attending a party in East London. Max eventually tore his gaze away from Daniel’s choice of clothing and tried to focus on what Sienna was saying to his co-workers. <br/><br/>“So, what do you think?” she was currently asking, and Max guessed that she had just proposed the party game thing he had suggested earlier. And judging by the look on Daniel’s face, the Aussie was more than just enthusiastic to hop along with this, while Lewis seemed to share Max’s amused scepticism. <br/>“Pleeaaase, Lew,” Max heard Dan whine and the Brit crossed his arms in front of his chest. <br/>“Fine. But no inappropriate tasks or questions.” <br/>Sienna let out a huff, “That’s a shit condition. Inappropriate questions are the whole point of playing these games.” <br/>“Exactly,” Dan agreed and didn’t give Lewis any time to say anything else on the matter. <br/>“So, who’s playing?”<br/><br/>____</p><p>Eventually, they gathered three other people, including Eric, the shy girl from the counter top, Ellie, and Jamaal, whose name Max had heard before but couldn’t place and who apparently was a close friend of Sienna. <br/>“Someone knocked over their glass of beer in the kitchen,” Jamaal stated, “it’s all sticky and I wouldn’t recommend sitting down there.” <br/>“How about we go to my room then?” Dan proposed and didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he pulled a key from the back pocket of his black jeans and opened the door next to the living room. <br/><br/>Max was the first to follow after the Australian and in a way, the room was exactly what he expected of Dan – if he had bothered to think about it and expect anything from Daniel’s living situation.<br/>There was a bed at the other end of the room that was basically just a large mattress on pallets that were lying on the floor. <br/>In addition to that, there was an actual surfboard – dear God – hanging on the wall, as well as several posters of bands Max didn’t know. The rest of the room was stuffed with all sorts of things, though the general impression was pretty stylish, Max had to admit. There were bright colours everywhere, a couple of plants hanging from the ceiling, and lots of clothes thrown over an armchair next to the door.<br/><br/>Max would have proposed to sit down on the ground but there wasn’t exactly enough space for all of them to form a circle or something alike, so they all followed Daniel’s leading example and took their places on the big mattress on the floor, shedding their shoes before doing so. <br/>The Australian was still grinning and with any other person, Max would have blamed alcohol – which now made it even harder to tell if Dan was actually drunk or not. Sitting next to the barista, with Lewis across from him and Ellie next to him, Max tried to check if he could smell any alcohol, but the only scent that reached his nose was Daniel’s after-shave and the marijuana that had seemed to spread throughout the whole flat. <br/><br/>“Everyone have something to drink?” Sienna asked the group, holding up her own glass as well as what looked like a milk carton in her other hand. <br/>“We have orange juice for those that don’t drink.”<br/>Max felt a wave of sympathy for the girl washing over him, as he himself never would have been this considerate, and watched how Jamaal snatched the orange juice out of her hands. <br/>The Dutchman had chosen in favour of his beer, as had done Lewis and Sienna. Eric, Daniel and Ellie were holding glasses with some different kind of liquor in them, though. <br/>“I’d say we start with a basic few rounds of Never Have I Ever. Any objections?”<br/>Max was fine with that, as seemed the rest, so Sienna smirked and explained the rules. <br/><br/>“We’ll go ‘round the circle and everyone will think of a statement that starts with <em>never have I ever</em>… So if the statement is true for you, meaning you’ve never done what that person has been saying, you don’t drink. In case you <em>have</em> actually done it, you need to drink. Everything clear so far?” she looked around the group sitting on Dan’s bed, with Max leaning against the improvised headrest and some surprisingly stiff cushions. <br/>“Great. I’ll start.” <br/>Her gaze wandered off for a moment while she was probably thinking of a statement and Max caught Dan’s glance, as well as the wide smile that was still playing on the Australian’s lips. Max returned it tentatively.  <br/>“Wait, wait,” Dan suddenly jumped in, all eyes focusing on the curly haired now, “chicken or no chicken?” <br/>“Chicken?” Max asked, who hadn’t heard that English phrase before. Dan nodded, “Okay.” <br/>“No, I mean, what do you mean by that?”<br/>“If you play these sort of games with chicken, if means that you’re allowed to chicken out of answering a question or doing a dare or something if you don’t want to answer it,” Lewis explained, “but I don’t think if makes much sense with Never Have I Ever, does it?” <br/>Max had to agree. Refusing to answer a question, which in that case meant refusing to drink, was probably enough of an answer in itself. <br/><br/>“So no chicken, then,” Daniel stated and everyone seemed to agree. <br/>“Have you come up with anything, yet?” Lewis asked Sienna and playfully nudged her side. <br/>“Ugh,” she made and let out a soft groan, “this is actually way harder than I thought.” <br/>“Because you smoked most of that joint,” Eric remarked and laughed and Max wasn’t sure what to think of the guy, as he wasn’t able to tell just how close he was to Sienna and if it was all friendly teasing or serious taunting. <br/>Sienna stuck out her tongue. <br/>“Just start with something boring, then,” Jamaal said, who had poured himself a glass of juice. <br/>Sienna shrugged her shoulders. <br/><br/>“Never have I ever waved back at a stranger but they were actually greeting someone behind me,” she then stated and Max had to logically think of the correct way to answer now. In the end, he didn’t drink, but saw that everyone else except for Ellie had done so. Lewis chuckled lowly but his face turned contemplative when he realized that it was him who had to come up with a statement next.<br/>“Never have I ever thought a cartoon character was hot.” <br/>Daniel snorted and took a sip of his drink, while Max’s eyebrows shot up. A <em>cartoon character</em>?!<br/>“Yes Maxy, want me to name some?” Dan asked and the Dutchman jumped when he realized that he apparently said his question out loud. <br/>“No, thanks,” Max replied and that made Lewis laugh. Dan rolled his eyes and Max watched how the Brit, as well as Sienna took a sip too. <br/>He stared at Lewis somewhat disbelievingly and the older one chuckled, “Superhero comics exist, man!”<br/>Sienna, who was in her early twenties, shot the Brit a glance, “Aren’t you too old for that?” <br/>“Never,” Lewis replied, “so what about you, Kim Possible or what?” <br/>Sienna’s eyes narrowed, “Listen, maybe I wanted to <em>be</em> like Kim Possible, but Shego was the true icon, to make that clear once and for all.” <br/>Lewis raised his hands.<br/><br/>“Next!” Jamaal called and interrupted the conversation, pointing to Ellie. <br/>“Never have I ever sent nudes on accident.” <br/>“Damn,” Sienna whistled, “still waters truly run deep, don’t they.” <br/>Max looked around the group but no one seemed to drink – or maybe someone was holding back, sending nudes unintentionally was something rather embarrassing, wasn’t it?<br/>All gazes focused on Eric next, who smirked before even making his statement. Max didn’t really like the look on his face. <br/><br/>“Never have I ever bought a sex toy.” <br/>Max saw Sienna rolling her eyes before she took a long gulp of her beer, winking at Max when she caught his gaze. Max felt his cheeks flush, while he paid attention to the rest of the group. <br/>“Do handcuffs count?” Jamaal asked but he was ignored.<br/>The heat on Max’s face didn’t fade when he noticed Dan bringing his glass to his lips from the corner of his eye.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This week has really been a horrible one for me but uploading and re-reading this story always makes me happy, especially because your comments never fail to make me smile. Thank so much for that.</p><p>All the love,<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 18</strong>
</p><p>It was Daniel’s turn next.<br/>
“Never have I ever made out with a stranger,” he stated, taking a small sip of the clear liquid in his glass. About a half of the group mirrored his motion, Max included.<br/>
The Dutchman knew he was supposed to come up with something next but it wasn’t exactly easy to come up with something that wouldn’t consequently force him to reveal anything about himself.<br/>
<br/>
“Never have I ever had a crush on a teacher,” he eventually said, waiting for the others’ response while he didn’t have to drink himself.<br/>
Neither did anyone else, except for Ellie.<br/>
“Mhhh,” Jamaal made when it was his turn, running he hand through his neatly styled black hair.<br/>
“Never have I ever had sex with an ex?”<br/>
Max had to drink at that – it had happened <em>once</em> – and he saw Eric do so as well.<br/>
The Dutchman didn’t miss how Daniel shot Lewis a meaningful gaze.<br/>
“Not with my <em>ex</em>!” Lewis protested, “we weren’t officially dating.”<br/>
“It appeared pretty damn official to me,” Daniel replied and raised an eyebrow. The look that Lewis shot into Dan’s direction, Max could only interpret as <em>shut up</em>.<br/>
“So,” Sienna pressed the subject, “you either drink or you don’t.”<br/>
<br/>
Lewis rolled his eyes, touching his sparkling earring before he eventually raised his drink and took a sip, if only a tiny one as if to protest the methods.<br/>
They continued going round the circle with their statements and Max had to stop himself from raising a brow now and then, as well as a few chuckles on the way.<br/>
“Never have I ever flirted with someone more than 10 years older than me,” Sienna had stated. Dan, her and Eric had drunk.<br/>
“Never have I ever walked in on someone,” Lewis had said, pulling a grimace, at which Dan had laughed out loud, while ¾ of the group had drunk. Max had been glad he hadn’t been amongst them.<br/>
<br/>
He had felt his throat tightening at the next question, though, a painful feeling spreading in his clenched chest.<br/>
“Never have I ever been walked in on.”<br/>
At that question, he wished that they had agreed on a chickening out option, although he was aware that that would have given away his answer, anyhow. So he took a gulp, tried to swallow as quickly as possible and also tried not to give in to the bitterness that he tasted in his mouth when some of the others whistled at his answer, obviously unaware of the story behind Max’s reveal. The Dutchman closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them again, he could tell that Daniel was looking at him, even though he wasn’t facing the Australian.<br/>
<br/>
They continued with the game and slowly but surely, Max felt the alcohol settle in his bones, warming him from the inside, while he lost count of the amount he had already drunk. It made him feel fuzzy and soon, the memory that specific statement had brought up did not seem to matter anymore at all. Instead, Max started to feel all funny about himself, and it was a pleasant feeling to not think of things all the time just <em>once</em>. Some part of his brain was aware that this wasn’t a good thing, that he shouldn’t feel like he needed to forget things to feel good about himself once in a while. But then again, who was he to judge?<br/>
He <em>was</em> feeling good, <em>great</em> even, for the first time in a while and not because he was feeling overly excited or because something out of the usual had happened. On the contrary, he felt all warm about himself because he started to feel normal for the first time in what felt like ages. Felt like there wasn’t the need to permanently question himself. Like he could just <em>be</em> without something lurking underneath the surface.<br/>
<br/>
“You’re drunk,” Dan nudged Max’s shoulder and a low giggle dropped from the Australian’s lips, as Max noticed with growing interest. He grinned at the older one, before he shrugged his shoulders.<br/>
“Maybe.”<br/>
Who cared?<br/>
Dan’s smile only widened and he reached out a hand, patting Max’s hair, which the Dutchman blocked with his own hand, grabbing Daniel’s fingers to keep them still.<br/>
“Go touch your own hair,” Max grumbled and the Aussie pouted at him.<br/>
“Your hair is very fluffy,” Dan said and shrugged, as if that explained it all.<br/>
“Well,” Max mumbled, “Yours is very… curly.”<br/>
<br/>
He pointed at the black mop on top of Daniel’s head, before he reached out his hand and touched his curls with his fingers tips.<br/>
“Stop it!” Dan whined, grabbing Max’s arm to tug it back against the Dutchman’s side. Max smirked and made another attempt to reach for the older one’s hair, who stopped him from doing so pretty quickly, resulting in a small scuffle.<br/>
“Hey!” Sienna called out when Max was about to push Dan back against his pile of pillows, “if we weren’t in Dan’s room already, I’d tell you to get one. But for the love of everyone here, can we just continue playing?”<br/>
<br/>
Despite his drunken state, Max blushed in a deep shade of pink once her words reached his brain, and he withdrew his hands that were going after Daniel’s dark curls. If only, the alcohol probably added to the colour of his cheeks.<br/>
Daniel had the audacity to <em>wink</em> at him and Max felt his face heat up some more, forcing him to clear his throat with a cough. Damn it.<br/>
He didn’t really register the next statement that was coming from Jamaal and trusted his subconscious to answer the question correctly, while he was shooting the Australian sneaky glances. Max’s hand in his hair had tousled and flattened his curls, and Dan’s dark eyes seemed to sparkle in the dim lights of his bedroom, reflecting each spot of light that reached them. Max bit down on the inside of his lips, tilting his head while watching the Australian raising his glass to his lips. He was snapped out of his thoughts when Jamaal snapped his fingers in front of his face, waiting for Max to tear his gaze away from Daniel.<br/>
Had they noticed he had been staring? Had he been staring? Why had he been staring?<br/>
<br/>
The Dutchman started to feel a bit fuzzy from all the questions that had suddenly popped up on his mind, and he shook his head, ignoring the look that Jamaal sent into his direction.<br/>
“Mh?” Dan asked, but he was ignored as well, until they continued with the game.<br/>
Some pretty normal statements followed, nothing out of the usual, and Max got the impression that some of the players were intentionally interspersing statements that wouldn’t cause anyone to drink, given that all those that <em>had</em> been drinking seemed to be pretty drunk by now.<br/>
<br/>
“Never have I ever kissed someone of the same sex.”<br/>
Everyone drank.<br/>
Which should have meant that they would just continue with the next statement, but instead, Dan nearly choked on the drink he was still holding on to, staring at Max with wide eyes.<br/>
The Dutchman felt his stomach drop.<br/>
<br/>
“You <em>did</em>?” the Australian asked incredulously and Max was about to snap something like <em>yeah, it’s not like I fucked them</em>, but managed to keep his mouth shut last second.<br/>
He was genuinely taken by surprise by the disbelief in the older one’s eyes and wasn’t able to hold his friend’s gaze for long.<br/>
“It’s not like I enjoyed it,” Max explained and for some reason wondered if that had been the wrong thing to say once the words had left his mouth, but his drunken brain wasn’t able to provide context, was instead just reproducing images of that situation he would rather just forget.<br/>
<br/>
“My, my,” Lewis mumbled and now <em>what the fuck</em> was that supposed to mean? But he wasn’t able to call the Brit out on it, was instead still focused on the way Daniel was looking at him. As if he had deliberately held something back from him. Had he? Max frowned.<br/>
Something seemed somewhat wrong to him, like he was missing out on something, but he wasn’t able to put his fingers on it, suddenly cursing the fact that he had been drinking so much.<br/>
Just because Dan was gay – or queer or bi – or whatever, didn’t mean Max somehow owed him to tell him about a gay experience in the past, let alone one he would rather forget sooner than later, did it? But he couldn’t really shake the feeling that Dan was blaming him for exactly that, although the Aussie himself was probably way too drunk to think straight as well.</p><p>He felt the older one’s gaze on him throughout the next two rounds, until Lewis proposed that they should try another game. After a quick vote, they eventually decided on spin the bottle, for which Dan had to place a huge book on the bed in order to be able to actually spin the bottle on the uneven surface.<br/>
“So, pretty much the same thing as before? We’ll go around the circle and everyone can come up with a dare,” Sienna explained.<br/>
“Yeah, but let’s include chicken this time. I’m never drinking out of Dan’s foul shoes ever again,” Lewis said and made a disgusted face, which Max immediately mirrored. A chickening out option seemed like a wise thing to introduce.<br/>
“Hey, that’s an honourable Aussie tradition!” Dan protested and Lewis gave him the finger.<br/>
“Anyone wanna start?”<br/>
“Me!” Dan called out, smirking, “I dare the unlucky one to drink from my shoe!”<br/>
<br/>
Collective moans were to be heard after that and Max pulled a face in disgust, praying that the bottle wouldn’t choose him for the task. The Australian spun the bottle with a smirk still on his lips and everyone seemed to hold their breaths for a few seconds, until the flask eventually slowed down and came to a halt… pointing right at the Aussie himself.<br/>
Sighs of relief filled the room and Daniel just rolled his eyes at that, grabbing a pair of old trainers from his wardrobe as he had only been wearing flip flops before.<br/>
He poured some liquor into the shoes – Max scrunched up his nose – and knocked back all of it at once, a drop of liquid running down his scrubby chin and down his throat. Max’s eyes followed the sparkling trail until it disappeared underneath the hemline of Dan’s side cut shirt.<br/>
“Now, this was disgusting,” Jamaal said and Max had to agree – although his cheeks were burning again, for some reason that his drunken mind told him not to look into right now.<br/>
<br/>
“Next!” Eric called and Sienna raised her hand.<br/>
“I’ve got one,” she said and Max should have known she was up to no good when she sent an innocent smile into his direction.<br/>
“I dare the next person to give Max a kiss.”<br/>
“A kiss? Specify,” Lewis demanded and frowned.<br/>
“I don’t know, I don’t really wanna see tongues, but at least a peck on the lips. You agree, Max?” she asked and the Dutchman shrugged his shoulders.<br/>
“Yeah,” he said, as he didn’t really see a reason to object and didn’t bother to find one, anyhow.<br/>
Sienna nodded and now it was her time to spin the bottle.<br/>
<br/>
Max suddenly got a certain feeling before the flask had even started to slow down, his throat tightening at the thought of it, while his eyes quickly followed the bottle in the centre of their circle. He watched how it slowly came to a stop, passing Jamaal, Sienna… Ellie… Eric…<br/>
And <em>how fucking big where the chances?</em> he was asking himself when the bottle stopped, pointing right at Daniel.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hehe<br/>...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 19</strong>
</p><p>Max was watching Dan and Dan was watching the bottle, while his eyes were widening. The Australian gaped at the flask in their middle, before his gaze shot up, interlocking with Max. <br/>The Dutchman wanted to huff. Dan looked like someone had just told him to murder his firstborn in their sleep. He frowned. <br/>Max caught Lewis’ gaze, who wiggled his eyebrows and smirked. Max swallowed. <br/>“Chicken!” Dan suddenly cried out and the younger one’s gaze snapped back to the Aussie. <br/>“What?” Lewis asked, as Max apparently wasn’t the only one that was asking himself if he had understood Dan correctly. <br/>“Chicken,” Dan repeated, more quiet this time, and his lashes fluttered when his gaze dropped. <br/>Max stared at his friend, somehow feeling taken aback by his statement. Sure, he wasn’t exactly keen on kissing his co-worker either but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, was it?<br/>His frown deepened. <br/><em>Was it?<br/></em><br/>Was is so bad that Dan was willing to make use of his joker for that?! <br/>Max’s ego roared at that thought and he shot his friend an equally dark as confused look. <br/>“Ehm,” Sienna made, blinking at the Australian, “okay, I guess?” <br/>There was an awkward silence that started to spread throughout the room and Max suddenly sensed tension, although he wasn’t sure if it was coming from somewhere inside of him or if he was getting the vibes from somewhere else. <br/>“Let’s continue, then,” Ellie mumbled and everyone seemed to agree, even though Max was still way too distracted by the way Dan kept looking at him only to avoid his gaze each time their eyes met. <br/><br/>The younger one tried to swallow the sour taste in his mouth and not think about Daniel’s actions too much – he wasn’t so sure if he succeeded with that, though. <br/>“You know, if Max doesn’t get a kiss today that’s a sad story, but someone here definitely should get one,” Eric commented and the Dutchman couldn’t help wondering what was coming next. <br/>“So I dare the next person the bottle chooses to kiss the person to their…,” he shot Ellie a suggestive look, “right.” <br/>“Okay?” Sienna asked and no one seemed to complain, although Dan pulled a face when he realized that he would have to kiss Eric, if he turned out to be the chosen one. <br/>Max, who was still somewhat absorbed in his thoughts and wasn’t paying much attention to what was happening around him at all, just nodded along. <br/>He was still a bit hurt that Dan had used his only joker to get out of kissing him. Sure, they weren’t interested in each other like that but it was just a game! Max wouldn’t have minded giving Sienna a quick peck on the lips, and he wasn’t trying to get into her pants either! So why the fuzz?<br/>Was Dan angry at him for something? Had he done anything wrong? He let out a huff, leaning back into the cushions while he took a sip of his beer. Maybe he should stop drinking or maybe the point of no return had already passed, so he took another gulp and emptied the bottle. <br/><br/>A different bottle was currently spinning around in the middle of their small circle, as he noticed from the corners of his eyes and Max yawned, wondering if it was time for him to go home after maybe another round or something. It was a couple of seconds later, when somehow all noise in the room had died down completely, that he looked up, trying to grasp what that was all about. His eyes wandered around, frowning when he noticed several people looking at him, until his gaze eventually fell onto the bottle – that was pointing straight at him. <br/>Wait, what did that mean again?<br/><br/>His eyes widened and he almost jumped when he remembered the dare they had agreed on a few minutes earlier, gaze slowly wandering to the man sitting next to him. Dan was already staring at him, eyes equally wide as Max’s probably were, lips parted slightly. But Dan had chickened out of basically the same task before! Apparently, Max wasn’t the only person in the room that was asking themselves that question and the Dutchman shot Sienna and Lewis a helpless glance, hoping they had something to say on the matter. Should Max chicken out, too? Was that what Dan expected of him? Or would Dan maybe even stop playing if Max decided not to, wanting to save his joker for a possible worse task? <br/><br/>These were definitely too many questions for Max’s drunken brain and he closed his eyes for a moment, maybe hoping that everything would be sorted once he’d open them again. But when he eventually did that, Dan was still staring at him, with that certain look in his eyes that the Dutchman was not able to interpret. What did that mean? <br/>Dan didn’t look like he was about to get up and leave – so what was Max supposed to make out of that?<br/>“Max?” Lewis asked, voice hesitant, “you wanna chicken out too?” <br/>“Um,” Max made, blinking at the Brit, “I-I don’t know?” <br/><br/>“You don’t know?” Dan repeated and Max almost jumped when the Australian spoke up. <br/>“Yeah, I-I mean… you didn’t want to… I… um,” Max tried and stopped halfway through, unsure what he was even trying to say. <br/>“Yeah, strictly speaking, Dan has used his joker and cannot make use of it again. And he accepted the dare beforehand,” Eric commented. <br/>“We’re not forcing anyone to do anything they don’t want to do,” Sienna stated and suddenly sounded surprisingly sober, if one ignored the fact that she was slurring. <br/>Max nodded, “Yes, you don’t need to…” <br/>He didn’t finish his sentence and instead felt his cheeks heating up. <br/>Dan nodded and eventually let out a sigh, “Eric is sort of right, isn’t he?”<br/><br/>Max frowned and wondered if that meant what he thought it did, feeling almost relieved that Dan apparently wasn’t so repelled by the prospect of having to kiss the him that he’d stop playing. <br/>“I’ll make it quick,” he promised and cracked a smile. He was glad to see that there was a hint of one on Daniel’s face as well, although it didn’t really spread. <br/>Max awkwardly cleared his throat by coughing quietly and then shifted, changing his position until he was rather kneeling, facing the Australian that was still sitting next to him. He did not know how to proceed, wasn’t sure how he was supposed to start this or if he was expected to start it, with the battle having chosen him, after all. <br/>So he eventually decided to edge a little closer to the older one, avoiding his gaze as sternly as possible, until he was able to lean in a bit. <br/><br/>Closing his eyes could only help with the <em>avoiding eye contact to not make it awkward</em>, right, so his lids fluttered shut before he leaned in some more, until his nose lightly brushed against Daniel’s. He tried his best not to flinch, proceeding to lean forward, until he felt his lips touch something soft, almost jumping when he realized the <em>soft</em> <em>something</em> were actually Dan’s lips. He was barely touching them yet, but he could already feel their warmth, almost automatically causing him to lean in some more. It wasn’t really a kiss, not with how their mouths were basically just pressed against each other, skin against skin. Max didn’t really dare to breathe, while his subconscious noticed that Dan’s lips felt harsher than what he was used to and were yet softer than they looked and <em>what exactly had Dan been drinking, that shit tasted high-proof</em>. <br/><br/>He couldn’t tell what changed, couldn’t tell when it did, wasn’t really able to think straight anymore at all, but Dan suddenly breathed in through his mouth, just a small gasp of air that brushed over Max’s lips and one second, it was just a brief peck, but the next, Dan was suddenly kissing him. <em>Kissing</em> kissing him, with his lips moving against Max’s, applying pressure and releasing it ever so gently. And Max was completely taken by surprise, wasn’t prepared for it at all, but his body acted before his mind could think, so he returned the kiss and captured Dan’s full bottom lip between his own. Before he knew what he was doing, he had his hand on Dan’s back, the weird cut out of his shirt causing his fingers to slip underneath the fabric, onto Daniel’s ribs, while he was pulling him closer, another hand coming to rest in the older one’s neck. <br/><br/>The fingertips that were touching Max’s face were cold, so much colder than they had always been when their hands had casually brushed against each other at work, but Max couldn’t have cared less, not with Dan’s lips moving against his, not with the Aussie’s tongue running along his bottom lip, the lack of oxygen slowly making him feel dizzy. <br/>He wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted, had lost track of time since the moment Dan had breathed in, but when they eventually broke apart, Max was panting heavily, trying to fill that oxygen deficit all at once. His eyes had snapped open and Dan’s eyes were so close, staring right back at him, before they started to wander all over his face rapidly, as if the Aussie was trying to read in him. But Max was still busy breathing, was still busy staring, as well as <em>busy as hell</em> trying not to freak out over this while he was catching his breath. He could see that Dan’s chest was rising and falling pretty quickly as well and when he noticed that Dan’s lips looked pinkish and also sort of swollen, he freaked out a little more, realizing that <em>he had done that</em>. <br/><br/>He didn’t know what to do or say, didn’t know if he would be able to say something to the older one’s face ever again. <br/>Something was flickering in the Aussie’s gaze but as always lately, Max didn’t know what to make of it, so he kept staring at Dan, until his co-worker eventually averted his gaze. <br/><br/>“That was a nice kiss, Maxy,” he grinned, but it didn’t really reach his eyes and Max wanted to say something, <em>anything</em>, but his mouth was too dry and throat too tight. <br/>“We good?” Dan asked and <em>why the fuck</em> was he asking that, but Max still didn’t say anything, just stared at the smile that Daniel had put up and he knew there was something wrong with it, he just <em>couldn’t figure out what it was</em>. <br/>“We’re good,” Max eventually managed to croak out but he wasn’t convinced that they were, not with the way Dan was looking at him and definitely not with that fake smile that the Australian had put up. He should have said <em>no</em>, should have known that Dan didn’t want to do this, that he had in fact <em>chickened out</em> of doing so, but Max could still feel his lips tingling, could still feel the warmth that had been radiating from the older one, and he had to actively keep his hand on the mattress next to him to not bring up his fingers and touch his own lips, as if he would still be able to feel Dan’s on them that way. <br/><br/>And judging by the way Dan kept looking at him, the older one probably wasn’t so sure if they were good either and it <em>was</em> fucking weird that they had agreed to get over with this as quickly as possible and had then ended up… yeah, what exactly had happened, anyway? <br/>Max couldn’t really remember how things had escalated and blamed it on the alcohol, blamed it on all sort of things, while he mentally kept slapping himself for not stopping this before it had started. But then again, how should he have known? It wasn’t like he had planned for this to happen, wasn’t like he had expected any of this. <br/>And he was probably making too much of a fuzz about it – Dan was a gay man, after all, maybe his instincts had just been kicking in and he had momentarily forgotten about the fact that he was kissing his very own co-worker. <br/><br/>But as drunk as Max was – he also still remembered one thing. <br/>The fact that it had been <em>him</em> that had kissed Dan back without even blinking.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>here is the new chapter and I hope all those of you celebrating are having nice Christmas days &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 20</strong>
</p><p>It was only several minutes later, when Max was staring into the void, focusing nothing and no one at all, while the others had or hadn’t – he wasn’t really paying attention – continued playing, that another thought came creeping up on him. A thought that suddenly felt like a punch to his guts, like someone had tried to hit low and hadn’t missed their aim. Max had been disgusted by Dan being with men, had felt sick to the core when he had witnessed the Australian’s <em>interactions</em> – did this mean he’d have to be disgusted by himself now as well?<br/><br/>How was he supposed to tell? Did he feel differently about him now than before? Had anything changed? <br/>Max swallowed, absolutely unaware of anything that might have been going on around him, while he was staring into the distance, the alcohol whirling in his stomach. <br/>Everything seemed to be the same as it had been before he had kissed Dan and at the same time, nothing felt the same at all. In a way, everything had changed, because Daniel had made his world turn, had caused the safe ground Max had thought to be standing on to open up and now he felt like he was falling. Falling into the unknown, while it felt like he was still picking up speed and there wasn’t any direction but <em>downwards</em>. <br/><br/>His gaze slowly started to clear a little, wandering over to where Daniel was sitting. But Max’s vision was still blurry and it was hard for him to make out the Australian, his view ripped around the edges, blurring even more when he tried to make out the older one’s face. He was faintly aware that he was once again staring, at Dan’s lips in particular this time, but he wasn’t able to stop now that he had started, drawn towards the Aussie. <br/>It was the alcohol speaking, it had to be! <br/>The Dutchman bit down on the inside of his lips, so hard that his skin broke and he tasted blood. He wasn’t able to feel the pain, whatsoever, so he kept staring at his co-worker as if he was paralyzed. <br/><br/>When Eric and Jamaal suddenly got up from where they were sitting, Max had no idea what was going on and whether or not they would stop playing, but he was also too embarrassed to ask, hoping that no one was aware of his current state. When Dan eventually got up, too, without sparing the Dutchman a glance, Max watched him leave the room. Lewis followed his example and soon, Max was the only one that was still sitting in the Australian’s bedroom. Judging by the sudden raise of noise from the living room next door, Max concluded that the group had joined the rest dancing. The Dutchman, however, didn’t feel like dancing, as he wasn’t sure whether his stomach would even take standing up, let alone whirl around on some dancefloor. <br/><br/>So his gaze started wo wander around the room, until his attention was eventually drawn towards a series of photos attached to the wall. He had to crawl to the other side of the bed in order to properly see the pictures and he studied one after the other. <br/>Many of them were taken in what seemed like Australia to him, showing Dan with a group of guys on dirt bikes or surf boards, and it made Max once again wonder why a man like Daniel, who had been growing up under the Australian sun, had decided to move to a city like London. Especially as Dan seemed to be all into extreme sports, of which he probably wasn’t able to carry out many around here, was he? <br/><br/>It made him wonder if Dan felt homesick, or if he had been living in Europe for so long that it had stopped bothering him over time. As a consequence, Max had to ask himself the question of whether or not <em>he</em> was missing his home. <br/>Because despite everything, Amsterdam <em>had</em> always been his home, his group of friends, Chili, was there. It was the place where he had grown into the person he now was, after all. <br/><br/>And yet, Max didn’t really feel like going back there any time soon. It still felt like Amsterdam was a chapter of his life that he had decided to close, and that for good.<br/>But he couldn’t really compare his own situation to Daniel’s anyway, could he?<br/>Dan had left the country – the continent – back in his days to get a better education in Europe, whereas Max had basically fled from Amsterdam because he had felt like he wasn’t able to stay in that city for just a single day longer. He had felt like he wasn’t able to breathe there anymore. <br/>So where had that gotten him? <br/><br/>Now he was in another city, living another life, and he once again felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen filling his lungs, like his chest might implode if he wasn’t paying attention for just one second. <br/>He almost had to snort at that, but it just came out as a sigh of defeat and Max felt like kicking the wall, just to see if it would hurt and if the pain would be able to clear his head a little. <br/><br/>His gaze then fell onto another photograph, a picture that had to be taken a while ago, because Dan looked completely different in a way, although he couldn’t really point a finger on what exactly had changed since then. <br/>The Aussie was wearing braces in the picture, for once, and his curls seemed to be a bit longer on the sides. Max also noticed that the way he had trimmed his beard was slightly different to how he was wearing it nowadays but the smile on his face was the same and Max had to swallow hard. Picture-Dan was grinning into the camera, with his arm slung around another guy’s waist. Only now that Max was paying attention to it, he noticed how close the two men were standing and he frowned. Was that an ex-boyfriend of Dan? <br/><br/>The guy had short, dark-blondish hair and looked a bit shy, bright eyes looking straight into the camera, but he had placed his head on Dan’s shoulder, snuggled against the Australian. Max quickly averted his gaze. <br/>Maybe stretching his legs a bit would help him to sort his mind out, and slowly – holding on to the wall in case his knees would give in – he got up from the bed. <br/>Standing up, he wasn’t able to deny the fact that he was drunk, very drunk – although that much should have been clear when he had been snogging Daniel. <br/><em>Snogging</em>. <br/><br/>He shook his head. <br/>That word made him feel like he was about to throw up. <br/>On tipsy feet, Max made his way out of Dan’s bedroom, ignoring everything that was going on in the living room, noticing that the front door had been left ajar. He was about to close it, when he noticed that the cool air streaming in from the stairwell might be exactly what he needed to get a grip and sober up a little. <br/>He made sure not to completely close the door behind him and stepped outside of the flat, shivering immediately, but he ignored the cold and stepped down a couple of stairs before he sat down on them, leaning his head against the wall. <br/><br/>The coldness did help, a bit, as at least his vision seemed to get a little less blurry after a couple of seconds and the storm inside his stomach calmed down somewhat as well, although hiccups were now shaking his core now and then. <br/>He could not shake the feeling that it was pathetic, really, how he was behaving just because he had been kissed by his co-worker. Or rather, had been the one to kiss his co-worker – he couldn’t really tell who had started the kiss in the end. What did it matter, anyhow? It wasn’t like it had meant anything. Not to him and surely not to Daniel either. So why all the fuzz? <br/><br/>It had been a kiss at a party and it hadn’t even been by their own choices – not really. He couldn’t think of a single reason why it should make him feel as bad as it did, although he wasn’t really expecting his drunken brain to come up with useful things, anyway.<br/>He couldn’t tell how long he had been sitting like this, on the cold stairs with his temple resting against the equally cold and stony wall, when someone suddenly appeared on the first step under him, making him jump. He quickly registered that it was Lewis and he wondered what the Brit had been doing outside, but that train of thought was interrupted when the older man sat down beside him. Lewis hugged his knees in order to protect himself from the cold that Max wasn’t really feeling, anyway, and they sat in silence for a couple of minutes, while the Dutchman felt like his co-worker wanted to say something but didn’t know to address the issue. <br/>“You know, sometimes things are complicated,” he eventually started, “it’s just how things are.” <br/>He could tell that the Brit was looking at him, but Max kept staring down the stairs. <br/><br/>“What do you mean?” <br/>Lewis exhaled audibly, before he shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know what’s going on, you know, but you can talk to me.” <br/>“About what?” Max asked, now turning his head to look at the older one. <br/>Lewis fixed him for a couple of seconds without replying, “About stuff.” <br/>The Dutch wasn’t sure if Lewis was trying to say what he thought he was saying or if the Brit was implying something different altogether, but Max huffed and looked away again. <br/><br/>“Look,” Lewis tried again, “sometimes we… sometimes we learn new things about ourselves that we didn’t know before and that’s fine.” <br/>He shrugged his shoulders once again, “It’s normal.” <br/>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Max said but he knew it came out as a lie, sounding like a sulking teenager. Lewis didn’t seem to care much about that, though, and Max was a tiny bit grateful. <br/><br/>“Yeah. Okay. Just… it’s alright if you’re sorting things out,” he said, “things get complicated from time to time and you have the right to be confused.” <br/>“You’re sounding like a guidebook once again,” Max huffed and Lewis sighed. <br/>“And what do <em>you</em> know about <em>complicated</em>, anyway?” he didn’t mean to sound so harsh and silently hoped that Lewis wasn’t taking his grumpy mood the wrong way. <br/>“Oh man,” Lewis sighed and let out a humourless laugh, “I know plenty about complicated relationships.”<br/>Max’s head snapped up, “There is no such thing as a <em>relationship</em> here.”<br/><br/>Lewis smiled quietly and tilted his head, “I know.” <br/>Max breathed out and rubbed his hands together, suddenly feeling the cold get to him. <br/>“But’s there’s a lot of <em>complicated</em>, if you ask me,” Lewis added and Max couldn’t really argue with that, could he?<br/>“How do you… How do you deal with <em>complicated</em>, then?” he asked, almost challenging so, waiting for a reply from the Brit. <br/>Lewis let out a huff and tightened his embrace of his knees, “Probably totally wrong. I haven’t found the right way to deal with things yet.” <br/>He shot the Dutch a sideway glance, “I’ll let you know if I do.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We are now halfway through this story and I am very excited to share the second half ot Max and Dan's journey with you over the next weeks.<br/>I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you've read so far.</p><p>All the love,<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 21</strong>
</p><p>There were moments when Max thought that nothing had ever happened between them. That the party was just a product of his mind, something he’d made up, or the consequence of too much alcohol. Sometimes, he actually wondered if the kiss had ever happened at all, or if he maybe had smoked some weed or consumed MDMA or something else entirely that had created this false memory of Dan’s mouth against his. <br/>Because they didn’t speak about anything that would have been even distantly related to the events of the party, let alone the kiss, and Max was seriously starting to doubt himself to the point where he almost went up to Lewis just to get the confirmation that he was – in fact – not going crazy. <br/><br/>But then again, it was painfully obvious that stuff <em>had</em> happened, obvious in the way he saw Dan’s shoulders tensing up when he noticed that the Dutchman was around and Max didn’t get it, not really, because while the kiss had shattered whatever image he had had of himself, there wasn’t much of a reason why Dan should be feeling this bad about it, was there? <br/>Which brought him back to the question of whether or not he had done something else that had pissed off the Australian and if he was just projecting it onto the kiss because that was pretty much everything Max himself was able to think about. <br/>Maybe he had missed out on something else entirely? <br/><br/>What could it be that caused Daniel to shoot him unreadable looks when he thought Max wasn’t paying attention, while he quickly averted his gaze once Max would face his direction? <br/>The only possible solution Max came up with was that Daniel had somehow found out about the hateful, the straight out homophobic, things he had thought, but he wouldn’t know how that should have been possible. The only person he had ever talked to that about had been Nico and he thought that it was rather safe to say that the German and the Australian did not know each other in one way or another. <br/>Which meant that it had to be something Max had actually <em>done</em> that had put Dan into this sour mood. <br/><br/>Which brought him back to the kiss, because there wasn’t really anything else that could have been the reason for Daniel’s behaviour. <br/>He was aware, whatsoever, that it wasn’t just the Australian that was avoiding him but that he himself was part of the whole issue as well. <br/>Because from time to time, Dan would look at him in a way that made Max think the Aussie was about to say something and then he’d turn his back on the older one as quickly as possible, making sure that Daniel didn’t get the chance to address anything. <br/>How would he react, anyway? <br/><br/>He still didn’t even have a fucking clue what had happened during their kiss. <br/>Dan had been the one who had eventually been deepening it, right? Max hadn’t intended any of it, he had wanted to make it <em>quick</em>, just a brief peck on the lips. But no, Dan had had to kiss him, kiss him in that way that had made Max feel all different kinds of things at the same time, of which he wasn’t able to identify any now. <br/>By now, he had at least come to terms with the fact that he had enjoyed the kiss. <br/>That per se didn’t necessarily have anything to do with Dan as a person, did it? It needn’t even be related to Dan being a man. Maybe he had just been so touch-starved after not sharing any kind of intimacy with a person for months that his body had just acted on instincts and nothing else. He was just a human, after all.<br/>Maybe he was over-worrying because of nothing and nothing at all. <br/><br/>But if that were true, then there wouldn’t be a reason to avoid Daniel in the way that he did, would there? <br/>Sure, it was somewhat embarrassing that he had gotten so carried away but so had the Australian, after all, which meant that they could call it even, in some way. <br/>But he <em>was</em> avoiding Dan and he <em>was</em> avoiding actually looking into the reasons for why he was doing so and it made him want to hit his head against a nearby wall until his thoughts would just stop pacing for once. <br/>Then again, if he would just keep on ignoring the topic, maybe the problem would sort itself out over time? Maybe Dan would forget why he was actually holding a grudge against the Dutchman and Max should perhaps just get it out of his system as well? <br/><br/>A sane person probably wouldn’t spend most of their day thinking about hypothetical reasons for what he was hypothetically experiencing and feeling. However, he had never been much of a sane person and <em>getting it out of his system</em> would probably just lead to even more chaos than he was already facing. <br/>He even went as far as making sure that he was always speaking to a customer when Dan had some time on his hands that he could potentially use to talk to Max about things, or he would voluntarily help Fernando clean up the shop in the evenings when their group of friends would gather in the back of the café for dinner and chats, trying his best to not give Dan the opportunity to confront him. <br/>And by now he was sure that Dan was planning on doing exactly that, as he wasn’t even hiding his contemplative stares anymore and they were growing more and more confused with every hour that passed by. <br/><br/>As a consequence, Max was feeling worse and worse about himself because he wasn’t sure what to make out of the older one’s behaviour. <br/>Dan had said that they were okay after they had kissed, hadn’t he? <br/>So was the reason that Dan was mad at him that he knew that Max <em>wasn’t</em> okay and refused to talk to him about it?<br/>That did seem like something Dan would do, as Max knew he valued honesty quite a lot and guessing that Max was struggling probably wasn’t the hardest thing in the world.<br/><br/>--</p><p>“You did <em>what</em>?” Carlos asked, gaping at him with wide eyes, while his lips had parted in utter surprise. <br/>It was the next day and Max still hadn’t talked to Dan, but as he had felt that he definitely needed to talk to someone, he had face-timed his best friend and had briefly told him about the drinking games and the results. <br/>“I kissed Dan,” Max repeated deadpan and Carlos let out a shocked noise, before he continued mumbling something in Spanish that the Dutchman didn’t understand, apart from a few common phrases like <em>dios mio</em>. <br/>“When was this? Three days ago?” Carlos asked again and his voice was heavy with outrage, “why didn’t you tell me any sooner, hermano?” <br/>“It’s not that important, anyway, is it?” Carlos’ eyes widened some more and Max almost flinched. <br/><br/>“<em>Qué</em>?!”<br/>“Yeah, what’s the matter? You wouldn’t react like that if I had kissed a girl!” <br/>Carlos snorted, before his face appeared closer on the screen, “You serious, Max?”<br/>“Yes!” <br/>“We both know it’s not the same! Not for you! Or maybe it is and that’s the whole point and - …” Carlos started rambling and Max winced, closing his eyes. <br/>“Look at me, hermano!” his best friend demanded and Max slowly opened his eyes again, sulking while waiting for the Spaniard to continue, “now tell me what happened. And don’t skip anything.” <br/><br/>Max sighed, running a hand through his hair while he leaned back against the wall. He was sitting on his bed, face-timing Chili. <br/>It was late-afternoon, he was currently on his break and would have to go back to work for the after-work rush hour when a stream of customers would come in to get a snack for their way home. <br/>So he explained the <em>how’s</em> and <em>why’s</em> to Carlos another time, yet again sparing out most of the emotional whirlwind that had followed for him. Throughout his explanation, Carlos’ eyebrows had wandered closer and closer to his hairline, scepticism written all over his face. <br/>“So, how do you feel about it now?” his friend eventually asked when Max had finished his story. Max frowned. <br/>“What do you mean?” <br/><br/>“Come on, Max,” Carlos groaned and rolled his eyes, “there’s a reason why you’ve called to tell me about this. What is it?”<br/>Max sighed, scratching his non-existent beard, before his shoulders fell down in defeat. <br/>“I don’t really know what’s going on at the moment,” he admitted, speaking quietly, “I’m feeling… different since the kiss and… and… I’m not sure if I maybe even liked it?”<br/>He could hear Carlos gasp and for a short moment, Max wondered if it had been the wrong decision to talk to his best friend about it. But Chili wasn’t like himself and when he looked up at the screen of his phone again, he saw that the Spaniard was tentatively smiling at him, head tilted to the side. <br/>“So you’re wondering if you’re into guys?” <br/><br/>“Whoa,” Max said and almost dropped his phone, “who said anything about me liking guys?”<br/>A deep frown appeared on Carlos’ forehead, “Didn’t you just…?” <br/>“Listen,” Max clarified, “just because I maybe liked kissing Dan, that doesn’t make me gay!” <br/>“Sure,” Carlos said, “sure… so it’s just about Daniel, then? God forbid you like men but you like Dan?” <br/>“No!” Max blurted out, knowing that everyone in the flat must have been able to hear him. He lowered his voice. “No! This is not about Dan at all!” <br/>“I…” Carlos started, trailing off, “I don’t think I get it.” <br/>Max groaned, “See? Neither do I.” <br/><br/>“Mhh…” Chili made and looked at him, that deep frown still on his face between his eyebrows, “is confusing, no?” <br/>“Like hell,” Max agreed. The Spaniard suddenly let out a low chuckle, before he shook his head several times. <br/>“Dios, Max,” he sighed, a long dramatic sigh that the speakers of the Dutchman’s phone probably weren’t able to fully convey. <br/>“<em>What</em>?”<br/>“You… ugh,” Carlos stopped his sentence abruptly, coming back to shaking his head. <br/>“<em>What</em>?”<br/>“Everything is always so complicated with you, no?” Carlos suddenly burst out and Max felt a bit taken aback by that. <br/>“What do you mean?” <br/><br/>“<em>What do I mean</em>?” the Spaniard echoed, shaking his head once again, “you’ll figure this out on your own, sí? Is your life.” <br/>That sentence kind of stuck with Max throughout the rest of their phone call, and when they eventually said goodbye to each other, he wasn’t sure whether he felt better or worse about himself. Telling his best friend what had happened had surely been a relief but Carlos had left him even more confused than he had been before. <br/>Of course Dan wasn’t the reason why he had liked – <em>maybe</em> liked! – the kiss, was he?! It had to be the fact that he had indeed been touch-starved and feeling lonely. That did seem like the most plausible explanation for this mess. And he hadn’t liked that smug look on his best friend’s face one bit, that look that had told him that Carlos thought he knew something that Max wasn’t aware of. <br/><br/>So Chili now thought he was sooo clever by figuring out what this was all about? <br/>Well, Max was the one experiencing this, not Carlos, and he just knew that the Spaniard had been wrong with his assumptions. Otherwise, he’d surely know, wouldn’t he? After all, these were his feelings they had been discussing. Or rather, not even feelings but instincts. Yes, instincts had been the reason why he had possibly enjoyed kissing the Australian. <br/>Max snorted. <br/><em>Clever</em> Chili thinking he was just so fucking <em>clever</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sooo... this chapter is basically just Max overthinking everything and having a small crisis, which is tbh very relatable. We're slowly getting there, though... or are we not?</p><p>Kudos would mean the world</p><p>all the love,<br/>johanna &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 22</strong>
</p><p>Dan was still working when Max had finished his break and came back downstairs, putting his green apron back on without sparing the Australian a single glance. After his conversation with Chili, talking to the older one seemed even farer out of reach and he was more than happy to discover that there was already a long queue waiting for him, as that would limit the chances for Dan to catch him alone to a minimum. <br/>They worked together side by side in silence, Dan’s shoulders still tense each time that the Dutchman shot him a glance, and Max tried to ignore it as best as he could. He knew that he was failing, though, watching the Aussie from the corners of his eyes more often than not. <br/>If Dan noticed, he didn’t say anything about it. <br/><br/>When their shift eventually came to an end, it had already turned dark outside, and Max felt his heartbeat picking up speed while he was storing away his apron in the room behind the café, under the stairs leading up. <br/>Nervously, he shot the corridor a quick glance, but Dan was nowhere to be seen and he hoped that he would be able to disappear upstairs, excusing himself from their usual shared evenings, before the Australian had any chance to confront him about things. <br/>Once he had eventually stowed away his stuff, he turned back around, ready to climb the stairs – and nearly jumped. <br/><br/>Because less than a meter away stood Daniel, muscular arms crossed in front of his chest, his dark eyes focused on the Dutchman. <br/>Max flinched and tried to take a step back, hitting the cupboard behind him. Something made a tinny sound but he didn’t dare turn around and check what he had knocked over. Instead, he was paralyzed under his co-worker’s gaze, almost forgetting to breathe, too. <br/>They stared at each other in silence for a couple of seconds, before Dan eventually breathed in – and had he come even closer by now? <br/><br/>“What’s wrong with you, Max?” Dan asked, face unreadable for the Dutchman, while the Aussie’s voice was quiet, careful not to raise anyone’s attention. Max, on the other hand, sort of hoped that Fernando or Jenson or anyone else would walk in on them and stop Daniel from talking.<br/>“What’s wrong with <em>me</em>?” Max asked and gasped, meeting the older one’s questioning look. <br/>“You’re avoiding me,” Dan said and something flickered over his face but it was gone before Max would have been able to understand what it was. <br/>“I’m not!” was what the younger one almost automatically shot back but he knew it was the wrong thing to say, as it must have been rather obvious that he had been doing just that. <br/><br/>“It’s not like you haven’t been avoiding me either!” he therefore added and watched Dan’s gaze darken. <br/>“Don’t make this about me,” Dan said and his voice was quiet but it nevertheless sent a shiver down Max’s spine. The Dutchman swallowed. <br/>“I’m not making this about you,” he replied and his gaze dropped, unsure where he was supposed to look. Why did Dan assume that everything was always about him? He sounded like Chili now.<br/>“Yeah?” Dan asked and there was something challenging in his voice now, “because it’s not my fault that you had to kiss me yet you’re acting like I forced myself on you!” <br/>Max’s gaze snapped up. <br/>“This is… This is not at all what’s happening!” <br/>“Yeah? Then tell me what is and stop avoiding me, thinking I won’t notice something’s off, mate!”<br/><br/>Dan’s shoulders were trembling and he huffed. The Australian drew in his bottom lip in anger and Max’s gaze dropped. He felt something roaring inside of him. <br/>“Actually,” he started, “you <em>were</em> kind of forcing yourself on me!” <br/>Dan nearly gulped, “<em>Excuse me</em>?”<br/>“Yes! I wanted to get over with it quickly, I even told you so, but no! You had to go all kissy on me!”<br/>“All kissy?” Dan repeated, “what the fuck, Max? Are you seriously blaming me now?”<br/>The Australian took a step forward and his finger touched Max’s chest. The Dutchman flinched again but hoped that Daniel hadn’t noticed him doing so.<br/>“Because I got the impression that it was you that deepened our kiss.”<br/><br/>“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Max hissed but he couldn’t really <em>think</em>, not with the Australian this close, still touching his chest with his pointing finger. <br/>“Do you?” Dan asked and he had a point, didn’t he, but Max just stared back at him, wondering where all this had started to go wrong. When Dan had chickened out of kissing him first? When Max <em>hadn’t</em> chickened, knowing damn well that the Aussie had for some reason tried to avoid kissing him? Looking back, he wasn’t sure, but staring right back at the angry Australian, he had to swallow hard. <br/>He didn’t want things to be this bad between them. <br/><br/>He liked Dan. Dan was his friend. So what the <em>fuck</em> had gone wrong between them that they couldn’t even talk about now? <br/>“You know what?” Dan suddenly said, “try to sort your shit out and once you actually have something to say to me, instead of shooting me strange glances behind my back, come talk to me about it. Until then, just let me get my shifts done in peace.” <br/>And without another word, Dan turned around and left through the passage and into the coffee shop, leaving Max behind dumbstruck and staring after the older one. The Aussie didn’t even bother to store away his own apron that he was still wearing.<br/>What had just happened? <br/><br/>Dan had no right to go all adult on him and make him feel like a child that hadn’t tidied up their room or had broken a glass or something. <br/>That disappointment that had been lighting up in Daniel’s dark eyes before he had turned his back on him wasn’t fucking fair. <br/>Because it made Max <em>feel</em> things.<br/><br/>--</p><p>“Anything else for you?” the barkeeper asked and Max sighed, looking at the empty glass of beer standing in front of him. Getting drunk probably wasn’t the best option and things hadn’t really gone smoothly the last time, had they? <br/>“I’ll take a Red Bull,” Max therefore ordered and propped up his chin on the knuckles of his left hand, staring across the counter and at the cupboards with bottles of liquor behind. The shelves were illuminated by LEDs that changed colour, but Max wasn’t really paying attention, anyway. <br/><br/>After Daniel had confronted him, he had left the coffee shop and had strolled around Shoreditch for a while, until he had ended up in a fancy corner bar close to Brick Lane. <br/>He had hoped that a beer would maybe cheer him up but one beer surely hadn’t been enough and the alcohol hadn’t been able to chase away the memory of the disappointment on Daniel’s face, anyhow. And in addition to that, it probably wasn’t a good idea to drown his sorrows in alcohol and indulge in his self-pity. <br/>He kept staring at the illuminated shelves that made it look like the bottles themselves were changing colours, when he registered someone sitting down next to him from the corner of his eye. <br/><br/>“The usual, please,” a man next to him said and Max’s gaze snapped up. <br/>Sitting next to him on a bar stool, there was none other than a certain German he had last seen at Sky Garden a few weeks ago. <br/>“Nico!” he blurted out and the blond’s head turned around, his eyes widening in recognition when he spotted him.<br/>“Max!” he called out and they nodded at each other in acknowledgement before Nico held out a hand to greet him. <br/>The German chuckled, “Didn’t expect to see you again.” <br/>“Neither did I,” Max assured him, moving his stool a little to get closer to the older man. <br/>“How are you?” Nico asked, gaze roaming over the Dutchman’s face. Max shrugged, seeing no point in lying to the German. And if their encounter at Sky Garden had been characterized by anything, it had been honesty. <br/>“Not good, actually,” he took the glass of coke the bartender had just placed in front of him. A curious look appeared on Nico’s face. <br/><br/>“What’s wrong?” <br/>Max took a sip.<br/>“I guess I fucked up a friendship that means a lot to me.” <br/>“Ouch,” Nico said and a pulled a grimace, “don’t know if it helps but I’m quite experienced with that myself.” <br/>Nico drank from what looked like whiskey and shot Max a sympathetic glance. <br/>“Cheers mate,” Max said and raised his glass. Nico clinked theirs together. <br/>“Cheers.” <br/>“Wanna elaborate?” Nico asked once the both of them had taken another sip and the Dutchman pulled a face. <br/>“Not sure if there is much to explain, really. It’s just fucked.” <br/>“I’m willing to listen,” Nico said and smirked. Maybe it was the fact that Nico’s connection with other people was even more of a mess than Max’s could ever be that made the younger one feel like he’d be able to talk to the German about stuff. <br/><br/>“We kissed.”<br/>Nico’s eyebrows shot up but he didn’t say anything and waited patiently. <br/>“Because of a drinking game, you know. But something’s different between us since that happened.” <br/>“No idea why that could be,” Nico smirked and played with the glass of single malt whiskey in his hands. <br/>Max shot the German a dark glance and continued. <br/>“I feel like we’re both ignoring each other. For different reasons, probably.” <br/>Curiosity was written all over Nico’s face <br/>“What’s your reason?”<br/>“Huh?” <br/>“What’s your reason to avoid your friend? The last time we talked, you said that you’re homophobic.” <br/><br/>“Ugh,” Max made, embarrassed by the fact that Nico had brought it up, “yeah, I know.” <br/>“Has your homophobia been healed, then?” Nico asked and snorted, raising an eyebrow. Max didn’t know what he was supposed to answer to that. Had it? He hadn’t really been thinking much about that lately. <br/>“I guess I just don’t really know what to think about that kiss,” Max eventually admitted and Nico kept looking at him with curiosity. <br/>“I suppose that means you liked it,” he stated and Max couldn’t really do anything but nod. Denying it didn’t make much sense at this point anymore. <br/>There seemed to be something close to sympathy flickering across Nico’s face and the German’s gaze dropped to the glass in his hands. <br/><br/>“So, what about you? What about your… <em>relationships</em>?”<br/>Nico let out a noise that sounded like a strange mixture of a sigh and a pained sob and now it was the Dutchman’s turn to raise a brow. <br/>“I… I’m actually about to meet him.” <br/>“You’re… he’s coming here?” Max asked and automatically had a look around. <br/>Nico nodded, “Yeah, he should arrive soon.”<br/>“Why?” <br/>“Why what?” <br/>“Why are you meeting him? Why here?” <br/>Nico shrugged. <br/>“I asked him to and he… he’s never been good at saying no, you know.” <br/>“You’re a horrible person,” Max said, “I hope you know that.” <br/><br/>Nico’s bright eyes focused on him, a burning glance now directed at the Dutchman. <br/>“I <em>do</em> know that.”<br/>“You’re not treating him or your girlfriend decently, though. Or are you considering splitting up with her?” <br/>Conflict was now written all over Nico’s face and his cheeks seemed to heat up a bit. <br/>“I <em>can’t</em>.”<br/><br/>Max snorted. Who was he to judge but he just didn’t think it was fair what Nico was playing at. <br/>“That guy, the one you’re in love with but not-enough-so. He’s clearly hooked and you’re taking advantage of the fact that you’ve got him on hold,” Max said and was almost surprised by the sharpness of his own words. He was also surprised that Nico was still holding his gaze instead of avoiding it. It made him wonder if the German was even able to fully grasp the asshole-moves he was currently playing at. <br/>Suddenly, Nico’s gaze wandered to a point behind Max and his whole face seemed to change, all colour vanishing. <br/>“He’s here,” the German whispered and Max turned around but wasn’t able to spot anyone Nico could have been taking about in the crowd. <br/>“I guess I’ll leave then. It was nice seeing you, despite the fact you’re an idiot.” <br/>Nico spared him a smirk. <br/>“Thanks, Max.” <br/><br/>When the Dutchman wanted to pay for his drinks, the German shook his head and slid a note across the counter. They said goodbye through another handshake. <br/>“See you around I guess,” Max said before he turned around to leave and Nico shot him a last look. <br/>The Dutchman then made his way through the crowd, pushing past a bunch of people before he nearly slammed into another person. The guy he’d knocked into quickly pushed past him, though, and when Max turned around to apologize, he stopped dead in his tracks and nearly gulped. <br/>Walking towards Nico and sitting down on the stool Max had been sitting on just couple of seconds earlier was none other than Lewis.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Time for another chapter...</p><p>Please let me know what you think and if you've liked it, leaving kudos would mean a lot to me.<br/>All the love,<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 23</strong>
</p><p>Max stopped frozen on his spot, ignoring everyone that was trying to push him aside while he kept staring at the two men at the bar. Max’s chair had been standing relatively close to Nico’s from their conversation before but Lewis had made sure to bring more distance between him and the German before he had sat down. Moreover, Max noticed that Nico’s relaxed body language had changed completely and his right hand, which Lewis wasn’t able to see, had formed a fist underneath the counter. The Brit wasn’t looking at the blond, instead he was sitting upright and when Nico waved at the bartender, Lewis just shook his head. <br/><br/>Nico’s shoulders fell down at that and he emptied his own glass of whiskey in one gulp, slightly turning towards the other man. <br/>Max obviously wasn’t able to hear what the German was saying but Lewis was still refusing to even look at him and the scene looked almost painfully tense to the Dutchman. <br/>So <em>Lewis</em> was the guy Nico had been talking about?<br/><em>Lewis</em> was the one he was cheating on his girlfriend with and who he was keeping on hold? <br/><br/>His focus came back to the two men by the bar and he watched how Nico was about to reach out a hand and place it on top of Lewis’ but the Brit caught the blond’s wrist in the air and held it tight, now eventually facing the German. He said something that Max wasn’t able to catch either but he nevertheless felt like he was eavesdropping on a rather private conversation, because of which he decided that it would probably be best to leave.<br/>He shot one last look over his shoulder before he paved his way out, getting a last glimpse of Nico talking while Lewis was apparently still trying his best to not let it get to him.<br/><br/>__</p><p>Max was quite literally biting his nails throughout the whole next day – firstly because him and Dan had fallen into this weird habit of being overly polite to each other, which was different than avoiding each other but also not really, and secondly because he couldn’t wait to talk to Lewis about what he had seen at the bar the previous day. <br/>He couldn’t tell if and how much Dan knew about the Brit’s <em>relationship</em> with Nico and as he didn’t want to make anything awkward for Lewis, he decided to approach him after both their shifts had ended in the evening. <br/>Catching Lewis alone turned out to be harder than he had anticipated, though, because the Brit was almost constantly talking to someone, was it Fernando or Jenson or any of the other people that usually came in after rush-hour. <br/>Eventually, a chance did present itself to the Dutchman when Lewis was preparing dinner for himself and Dan in the kitchen, where Max was able to walk up to him without anyone interrupting. <br/><br/>“Mind if I talk to you for a sec?” <br/>Lewis looked up at him, his face open and friendly, although Max was aware that that was about to change. <br/>“What’s up, man?” <br/>The Dutchman wasn’t sure how he was supposed pick up the topic and he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. <br/>Lewis returned to chopping some herbs. <br/>“See,” Max started, “I’ve met this guy… at Sky Garden, a few weeks ago…”<br/>Lewis did not bother to stop chopping. <br/>“And?” <br/>“We’ve talked a bit, about relationships and stuff.”<br/>The Brit eventually looked up at him again. <br/><br/>“So? Is this about you and Dan?” <br/>“What?!” Max blurted out, totally perplexed by that assumption, “why would it be about Dan and me?” <br/>Lewis shrugged his shoulders. <br/>“I don’t know, had a feeling.”<br/>“No,” Max assured him and shook his head, “no, listen, Lewis. This isn’t about me and Dan. This is about -…” <br/><br/>But before he could finish his sentence, he stopped and wondered if it was even the right thing to do to confront Lewis with this. Nico had told him this in private, and when they had first met, they had both expected to never see each other again. Nico hadn’t known that Max was close to Lewis and if he had, he surely wouldn’t have told him anything. <br/>And the German might be an asshole, a coward and an absolute idiot on top, but didn’t his secrets also deserved to be treated as such? <br/>Max <em>was</em> dying of curiosity, though, and now that he had already approached Lewis, there was the need to at least ask him something to not appear suspicious. <br/>“Yeah?” Lewis asked a bit impatiently while he had laid down the knife. <br/>“Um, yeah, long story. What I actually wanted to ask you is about what you hinted at at the party? When we were sitting on the stairs?” He shot Lewis a long glance, “Remember?” <br/>A frown appeared on the Brit’s face and he didn’t seem to know what Max was talking about. <br/>“You said that you know <em>complicated</em>. What did that mean? Are you single?”<br/>Lewis’ eyebrows shot up. <br/><br/>“Are you hitting on me, Verstappen?” <br/>Max blinked at the Brit before he couldn’t hold back a laugh, to which Lewis smirked at him and then rolled his eyes. <br/>“Nope. Definitely not happening,” the Dutchman assured him and Lewis playfully shrugged his shoulders. <br/>“Never say never, man.” <br/>“This is a <em>big</em> never from my side and I think we’re both clear on that,” Max empathized his words by shooting Lewis a sceptical look. <br/>“So if you’re not hitting on me, then why are you asking?” <br/>“Because I care about you? I sounded like things were indeed <em>complicated</em> and I just wanted to let you know that I’m here to talk, if you want to.”<br/>Lewis stared at him for a couple of seconds, a perplexed look on his face. <br/><br/>“<em>You</em> want to talk?” <br/>Now what was that supposed to mean?<br/>“Yes, what about it?” <br/>Lewis shrugged his shoulders, “You don’t really seem like a particularly good listener to me. No offense.” <br/>Max glared at the Brit, “Offense taken! Why not?” <br/>Lewis chuckled and then let out a sigh, “You’re too impulsive.” <br/>“I am <em>what</em>?”<br/>“It’s your youth,” Lewis commented and was back to smirking, causing Max’s glare to darken. <br/>“Don’t you dare go all <em>young grasshopper</em> on me,” he threatened but the only thing it did was make Lewis’ shoulders tremble. <br/>“I’m trying to be serious here!” <br/>“Sure, Max.” <br/><br/>The Dutchman let out a groan. <br/>“Listen, Lewis. I meant what I said. You can talk to me about things.” <br/>The glance that the Brit shot him as a reply was both sceptical and also something else that the Dutch couldn’t read. He hoped that it meant that Lewis was at least taking his offer into consideration. <br/>“Thank you, Max,” the Brit eventually said, speaking quitter now, and his gaze dropped, “that’s… that’s very kind of you.” <br/>“I actually mean it, you know. It looks like you’re suffering – at least to me – and it’s not good to keep things bottled up for too long. They tend to blow up in your face.” <br/>“Got experience with that?” Lewis asked, a tentative smile playing on his lips. <br/>Max shrugged and nodded, before he sat down on a few boxes close to the older one. <br/><br/>“So,” he announced, “I’m listening.” <br/>Lewis let out a sigh, scratching his cornrows. <br/>“I don’t even know if there’s anything to tell.” <br/>“There are <em>always</em> things to tell,” Max assured him and waited for the Brit to think about his words. <br/>“Yeah,” Lewis mumbled, “I guess you’re right. So it’s… complicated.” <br/>“That much I’ve guessed,” the Dutchman commented and Lewis shot him a dark glance. That much for being a good listener. Max’s lips formed a thin line, a quiet promise to shut up for now. <br/><br/>“It’s complicated and it has always been complicated and I guess it will stay complicated until the end of time,” Lewis spat out, voice barely more than a whisper and conflict was written all over his face. Max kept his mouth shut still, patiently waiting for the older man to continue. <br/>“I mean, people always say you should fall in love with your best friend, don’t they? Well, you shouldn’t. Never. Under no circumstances,” he let out a sigh and Max swallowed the words that were burning on his tongue. In the end, he decided to go with a simple one, “Why?” <br/>“Because it’ll never work out! Because you’re either a friend or a lover but never both,” his gaze had dropped and Max wondered how long Lewis had kept these words bottled up. <br/>“Never… never exclusively one thing.”<br/>He briefly looked at the Dutchman, as if checking for his reaction but Max tried to keep his face as neutral as possible. <br/><br/>“And… you’d want it to be exclusively one thing?” <br/>The Brit hesitated, stirring Max’s curiosity. <br/>“I don’t even know what I want. Not… not anymore.” <br/>“What happened?” <br/>Lewis shrugged and his eyes were fixed on some point behind Max, staring at nothing in particular. <br/>“There was a time when I wanted that, yeah. When I thought it would be possible and could work out.” <br/>“Who says it’s too late for that? What if it would work out?” Max asked and Lewis shot him a glance. His eyes searched the Dutchman’s face for something and Max knew that he’d have to shut up or otherwise Lewis would see him through all too soon. <br/>“I’m not sure if I’m willing to try. Hell,” the Brit let out a groan, “I don’t even know if I like him enough to take that risk.” That was new information for Max and he almost let out a sigh himself. <br/><br/>“He’s…” Lewis started, trailing off and starting again, “he’s not a good person, you know.” <br/>“But <em>you’re</em> a good person, Lewis. Maybe this means you should cut him off.”<br/>Lewis shook his head, but barely noticeable, “He’s not a horrible person, though. He’s… he’s my best friend, you know. He’s my best friend before he’s anything else.” <br/>These words made Max’s stomach turn and he avoided Lewis’ gaze, fearing he’d see him right through if their eyes were to meet now. <br/>“And yet you don’t know if you even like him.” <br/><br/>Lewis let out a noise that sounded awfully much like a pained sob and Max was beyond shocked, as he had never seen the Brit like this ever before. <br/>“<em>Of course</em> I like him.”<br/>“You love him,” Max blurted out before he could stop himself but Lewis didn’t seem to be irked by it. <br/>“<em>I love him</em>,” the Brit repeated instead, his voice barely more than a whisper, as if he was testing how the words felt on his tongues. <br/>The Dutchman wondered if he had ever even said them out loud before. He doubted it. <br/>“But maybe that just isn’t enough.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'd love to know what you think of this whole brocedes mess!<br/>All the love,<br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 24</strong>
</p><p>It wasn’t like he forgot what kind of day it was, it was just that he could not find it in him to care much about it. Instead, his thoughts were still circling around the conversation he had had with Lewis the previous day, thinking about what the Brit had been saying.<br/>
<em>But maybe that just isn’t enough</em>.<br/>
Max wasn’t sure if he actually understood what Lewis had been trying to say with that. Had he meant that while he loved Nico, there were irreconcilable differences between them? Or had it meant that he just didn’t love Lewis <em>enough</em>?<br/>
So over all these questions that had arisen, he hadn’t found much time to think about the <em>special day</em> ahead that wouldn’t be any special at all, and got ready for his day at work.</p><p>The last thing he would have expected when coming down the stairs from the flat above were all his co-workers standing in the corridor leading into the coffee shop and Max jumped, nearly falling down the remaining stairs.</p><p>“<em>Happy birthday to you!<br/>
Happy birthday to you!<br/>
Happy birthday dear Max,<br/>
happy birthday to you!</em>”</p><p>“Whoa,” Max made, staring at Dan, Lewis, Fernando and Hannah that were grinning up at him, with Dan blowing paper streamer.<br/>
“Happy birthday, man!” Lewis was the first one to step forward and clap his back, before Fernando acknowledged him with a “feliz cumpleaños”.<br/>
Apparently, the fact that they weren’t exactly on good terms at the moment did not stop Dan from pulling him into one of his tight hugs, wishing Max a good day while his chin was resting on the Dutchman’s shoulder.<br/>
It was a bit too much all at once, although Max was happy that the team had made an effort. He wouldn’t have expected them to know that it was his birthday today and he wondered if Chili had played a part in this.<br/>
The young Dutch felt his cheeks flush somewhat and he shot everyone a glance.<br/>
“Thanks, it means a lot!”<br/>
<br/>
He got a round of smiles back in return.<br/>
“What better way to spend my birthday than with such a great team?” he asked and actually meant what he was saying. Fernando, on the other hand, apparently had other things in mind.<br/>
“No, hermano! Is clear that you no work on your birthday, no?” he said, eyes framed by dark lashes narrowed, while a deep frown appeared on his face, “you have free day today, sí!”<br/>
“A free day?” Max asked in surprise, as he hadn’t estimated that it wasn’t expected of him to work today.<br/>
“A free day,” Fernando assured him.<br/>
“You know,” Dan spoke up, his Aussie accent a little stronger than usual, “I was wondering if you’d like to spend the day with me? Fernando gave me the day off as well so you’d have some company.”<br/>
Max stared at the Australian, trying to process the words.<br/>
Dan wanted to spend his birthday with him?<br/>
<br/>
What about their almost-fight? What about the tension that had been lingering in the air between them over the last couple of days?<br/>
“We could head downtown and, I don’t know, find something to do,” Dan shrugged his shoulders and Max couldn’t tell what that look on his face was supposed to mean. He looked almost… sheepish? They had basically been fighting just a few days ago, what had gotten into Dan that he now deliberately wanted to spend time with him?<br/>
Had Fernando maybe talked him into doing this, to make sure Max wouldn’t have to spend his birthday all on his own?<br/>
Or was Dan only proposing this because he was feeling guilty over the fact that they had been avoiding each other so persistently?<br/>
Max couldn’t really understand it and it wasn’t like he was generally objected to spending his birthday with Dan – he just couldn’t really imagine thinks would go smoothly with everything that had been happening between them lately.<br/>
But the last thing he wanted to do was cause a scene in front of his colleagues, as it would have embarrassed Daniel to some extent as well, so the only thing he could do was nod and raise his eyebrows at the Australian. If the older one was noticing some of his confusion, he was gladly ignoring it, and when Max caught Lewis’ smug gaze, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had been played.<br/>
<br/>
__</p><p>They were walking down the sidewalk and Max kept shooting Daniel curios sideway glances. The Australian was dressed in a thick jeans jacket that was tightly wrapped around his body, given that autumn was sensibly arriving in London now on the last day of September.<br/>
And while the older one must notice him staring, he didn’t comment on in and just kept walking, while the Dutch struggled to keep up with Dan’s long and energetic strolls.<br/>
“Do… do you have anything in particular in mind?” Max eventually asked, disrupting the silence that had once again settled between them.<br/>
He was not able to tell what kind of silence it was, though. Was it an awkward one? Was it peaceful? Did it mean that they had nothing to say to each other or too many things that couldn’t possibly be fitted into one sentence?<br/>
<br/>
He considered to straight up ask Dan about it but he was afraid the Australian could react badly. Them spending the day together was a first step into the right direction after all, wasn’t it? Despite whatever motives Dan might have had to ask him about it in the first place.<br/>
Daniel briefly glanced at him but didn’t slow down his steps and Max guessed that they were heading to the closest tube station.<br/>
“I thought we could visit a museum. You haven’t been to one since you came here.”<br/>
A museum?!<br/>
Now that wasn’t really up high on things Max would have chosen for himself to do on his birthday, but he didn’t want to be rude, not if things were actually going kind of smoothly for the first time in days between them.<br/>
A museum, then. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, after all.<br/>
<br/>
“What museum?”<br/>
“I had thought of the National Gallery,” Dan shot him a glance, “I suppose you’re not much of an art lover but I feel like it’s a place that everyone who lives in London should have seen at least once.”<br/>
“You think so?” Max asked and hoped his words didn’t come out too sceptical, as he was actually interested in Dan’s opinion on the matter. The Australian nodded.<br/>
“I think it’s an interesting building and I like the place in front of it.”<br/>
“That’s Trafalgar Square, isn’t it?”<br/>
Daniel nodded, his eyes briefly meeting Max’s once again.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>They took the central line from Liverpool Street Station and once they had taken their seats opposite each other in the narrow compartment, Max found himself staring at the older man once again. Dan caught his gaze and almost smiled at him, a gesture the Dutchman hadn’t seen in a few days and he couldn’t deny that he missed Dan grinning at him, smile so wide that it would reach from one ear to the other.<br/>
But all he got at the moment was an almost shy half-smile that was layered with something else Max wasn’t sure how to interpret, but returned Dan’s smile equally tentative.<br/>
The corners of the Australian’s lips twitched and he looked away, dark eyes sparkling under the neon light of the underground train.<br/>
“How long until we’re there?”<br/>
“About 20 minutes, I’d say,” Dan replied and their eyes met again. Max wasn’t really able to look away now.<br/>
Was Dan still mad at him? They hadn’t really sorted this thing out and Max was starting to wonder if there even <em>was</em> something to sort out or if they could just forget all about it now that both sides had apparently been able to cool down a little.<br/>
<br/>
“I think it’s nice you’re spending my birthday with me,” Max managed to say, closely watching for Dan’s reaction in the hopes of getting more out of him.<br/>
Daniel cracked a smile, “That makes it sound like you’re some old lonely grandpa and I’m your grandson that has come flying in to save the day.”<br/>
When Max couldn’t hold back a chuckle, the smile on Dan’s face widened a little, although it wasn’t back to the usual extent just yet.<br/>
“Okay, let me rephrase, then. It’s nice we’re spending today together.”<br/>
Dan apparently seemed to approve the rephrasing and nodded consentingly.<br/>
“I think so too,” the Aussie replied and now Max felt like he was the one being watched for a reaction. Was his face giving away any information that could have been useful to the older one? What exactly was it that the Australian was looking for?<br/>
<br/>
“22…” Dan eventually said, letting out a playful sigh, while his voice still sounded a bit strained, like the tension between them wasn’t completely forgotten just yet.<br/>
“I barely remember how that age felt like.”<br/>
Max rolled his eyes.<br/>
“Come on, you’re not that old yet.”<br/>
“I’m not?” Dan asked and grinned, almost one of his real grins and Max’s stomach made a small flip. He decided better not to think about it for too long.<br/>
“Now that I’m thinking about it, you sort of are a grandpa, though.”<br/>
“<em>I’m</em> the grandpa, now?”<br/>
<br/>
“Mhh,” Max made and nodded, knowing that he was getting to Dan by doing so, “yes, you are.”<br/>
“I’m fitter than you are,” Dan stated and Max pulled a face at him.<br/>
“You wish, grandpa.”<br/>
“I’ve only ever been called <em>daddy</em> before, but I could get used to that,” Dan said and smirked, while Max nearly choked on his own breath, trying to cover up by coughing loudly. Who the hell did Dan think he was, saying something like that on public transport, where everyone could hear? Where everyone could see Max nearly choking to death while Dan was laughing at him, helping nothing at all with the Dutchman’s flushing face.<br/>
<br/>
Dan drew in his bottom lip and then he winked at the younger one and Max felt his face heat up some more, while at the same time he couldn’t stop thinking about how much he had missed this. Dan’s flappy jokes, his inappropriate sense of humour and that they could just act like friends around each other.<br/>
“Shut up!” he hissed into the Australian’s direction and it didn’t do anything but make Dan laugh some more.<br/>
“Maxy, no need to be embarrassed.”<br/>
“Can you please shut up,” Max mumbled, although he himself couldn’t really hold back a chuckle.<br/>
“Make me,” Dan shot back and wiggled his eyebrows and that comment suddenly made all different sorts of images flood the Dutchman’s mind, while his face felt like it had been set on fire by now.<br/>
<br/>
Was Dan doing this on purpose? This had to be some sort of wicked strategy to get revenge on him, right?!<br/>
But then again, this was how Daniel had always been, this was part of the reasons why he liked Dan as much as he did.<br/>
So were they finally on their way back to normality?<br/>
Did this new normality mean that things would be normal for Dan and anything but for Max?<br/>
He wasn’t really able to remember how these kind of jokes had went between them before their kiss, but they surely hadn’t turned his head into a tomato. And Dan had to be aware of that, wasn’t he?<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He was more than just glad when their station was announced but unfortunately, rain was greeting them once they had left the station at Tottenham Court Road.<br/>
“Run?” Dan asked and Max agreed, sprinting after the Australian, who was surprisingly quick, once the older one had started running.<br/>
They ran down Charring Cross Road, almost knocking into pedestrians several times and some of them even called after them, but Daniel and Max kept on running, chasing each other while they were trying to escape the rain.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I really need to apologize for not uploading over the last weeks but from no on, we'll go back to regular updates, I promise :D<br/>I hope everyone is doing fine &amp; staying safe.<br/>All the love,<br/>Johanna &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eventually, once they had passed Leicester Square and had run through a passage, Trafalgar Square opened up in front of them and Max followed Dan under the roof of the entrance to the National Gallery, which was next to the famous building with its impressive columns itself.<br/>
They leaned back against a wall and were both breathing heavily, Dan bending over a little while they were catching their breaths. The rain had flattened Daniel’s curls and his hair was longer now, falling into his face, while drops of water had gotten caught up in his long eyelashes, slowly running down his cheek.<br/>
Max’s gaze followed the drops that eventually made their way down Dan’s throat and his muscular neck, while there still wasn’t enough oxygen flooding his veins, causing him to feel a bit lightheaded.</p><p><br/>
Dan, on the other hand, was breathing evenly again already, and a smirk started playing on his lips.<br/>
“That much for the grandpa thing,” he commented and Max would have shot something back, had he regained his ability to speak already.<br/>
As a consequence, he was only able to shoot Daniel a dark glance, which did not have the effect he had wished for, as it just made the Aussie laugh.<br/>
“Get going,” Dan said, and it wasn’t a question but a command and Max raised his brows at the older one, earning himself another low chuckle in return.</p><p> </p><p>They passed the security area and then climbed up large stairs that eventually led into the first room of the museum.<br/>
Dan had been right when he had said that the building itself was rather impressive, with the high ceiling and each room designed in a different colour scheme.<br/>
Max didn’t know much about art that would have gone beyond the hours and hours he had been forced to spend at Amsterdam’s several art museums but Dan, who was obviously into art and drawing with his tattoo ambitions, had quite a few things to say on the paintings on the wall.</p><p><br/>
They were strolling through the rooms and Max would have expected for him to grow bored quite soon, but to his surprise, it didn’t happen. Dan must have been at the National Gallery at least once, but he still stopped in front of most paintings, inspecting them as if he was seeing them for the first time.<br/>
Max, on the other hand, was rather busy watching <em>Dan</em> watching the landscapes and portrays, so much that he couldn’t really concentrate on anything the Aussie was actually saying. He wouldn’t have been able to memorize all the information, anyway, and Daniel was generally way more interesting to look at than any of the artwork around.<br/>
That thought made Max blush and he was just glad that Dan was too invested in the paintings to notice how flustered the Dutchman suddenly was, feeling heat spread throughout his body.</p><p>He quickly followed the older one into the next room, which’s walls were painted in an almost warm shade of grey.<br/>
“This is my favourite room,” Dan declared, a wide smile on his face, when he turned around to make sure Max was still coming after him.<br/>
The Dutchman faintly recognized the paintings – or at least some of them – that were hanging on the other side of the room but was not entirely certain, though.<br/>
“Is this Monet?” he asked hesitantly and Dan nodded enthusiastically.<br/>
The Australian crossed the room with several long strolls and came to stop in front of a painting Max had surely seen before. Water lilies in the setting sun.<br/>
“You know what’s fascinating about this painting?” Dan asked, pointing at the image that was painted in several shades of pastel-purple.<br/>
“Mh?”<br/>
“When you get closer – like this,” he demonstrated his words by stepping closer to the painting, “it’s almost impossible to get the whole image. The water appears to be just one bright patch.”<br/>
Max frowned and slowly stepped closer as well, taking in the painting in front of him.<br/>
And Dan had been right, because the closer he got, the less he was able to see the actual image that was portrayed. When he stepped back again, everything fell back into place, though.</p><p><br/>
The Aussie shrugged his shoulders, “Just something I noticed a while ago.”<br/>
Max turned towards him.<br/>
“How often to you come here, then?”<br/>
Dan shrugged again, running a head through his still slightly damp curls.<br/>
“Once in a while. I find it inspiring.”<br/>
“So you draw your sketches here? For the tattoos?”<br/>
Daniel nodded.<br/>
“You’ve never shown my any of your work!” Max complained and Dan appeared almost sheepishly. It wasn’t a look the Dutchman was used to.<br/>
“I didn’t think you’d be interested in that.”<br/>
“Of course I am!”<br/>
“Okay,” Dan simply said and what was that supposed to mean?<br/>
He shot the older one a questioning glance, “So you’ll show me?”<br/>
Dan nodded, “Sure, mate.”<br/>
For some reason, that made the Dutchman smile and he quickly turned back towards the paintings, hiding the blush that was once again spreading on his cheeks.</p><p><br/>
It was easy to forget about the tension that had been lingering between them over the last couple of days when Dan was back to smiling and joking around, but Max also could not shake the feeling that there was still something lurking under the surface.<br/>
He couldn’t tell what it was but he sensed it each time that he felt his face heating up, noticed it every time that the avoided the Australian’s gaze and found Dan looking at him the next time he’d shoot him a glance again.<br/>
But he was willing to ignore it for now, if only it meant that Dan would keep smiling at him, would keep making him feel all warm despite the air conditioning.<br/>
And even though he wasn’t an artist himself, he could see why the Aussie found this place inspiring. When they made it to a room with dark leathery benches that looked more like armchairs, Max could really picture the older one sitting on one of them, drawing sketches while forgetting about everything around.</p><p>Max couldn’t really tell for how long they had been at the museum, but to probably everyone’s surprise, he was actually enjoying himself. From time to time, his mind drifted off a bit, still unable to shake off all the different things that had been happening lately, but when he <em>did</em> focus, he found the things Dan had to say on some of the paintings quite interesting.<br/>
When their tour was eventually coming to an end, Dan got himself a pencil at the museum shop, apologizing for the fact that he didn’t have a present for Max (yet). He assured the Dutchman that if he came across something, he would gift it to him later.<br/>
Max, who didn’t care much about presents and this whole birthday thing, anyway, told the Aussie not to worry about it, but he got the feeling that Dan didn’t take his word for it.</p><p>Once they left the National Gallery, the rain had stopped and a few rays of sunshine had actually made their way through heavy clouds, making the wet ground glister. They talked a little, about nothing in particular, but Max enjoyed it still.<br/>
There was still this feeling that things weren’t quite normal between them – not yet – but they were probably on a good way. At least that was what he was telling himself.<br/>
Crossing Trafalgar Square, Max suddenly stopped to listen to a band that was currently performing in front of the Gallery’s distinctive columns and Dan came to a halt next to him as well.<br/>
“We can sit down and listen for a moment, if you want,” Dan proposed and Max told him that he’d like that.<br/>
The stone turned out to be too wet to actually sit down, so they kept standing, while Dan’s head had started to move to the rhythm of the music.<br/>
It was a band of three, one guy playing guitar and singing, while the other two were playing the bass and drums and while Max didn’t know the title of the song they were performing, he was sure that he had heard it before. Dan seemed to know the song as well, as his lips were silently moving along to the music.</p><p>
  <em>I like the way your brain works<br/>
I like the way you try<br/>
to run with the wolf pack<br/>
when your legs are tired<br/>
I like the way you turn me inside and out<br/>
I like the way you turn</em>
</p><p>Max shot the Australian a sideway glancing, watching the movements of his lips when he formed the lyrics of the song.</p><p>
  <em>I like the way your brain works<br/>
I like the way your brain works </em>
</p><p> He surely didn’t understand the way that Dan’s brain worked and probably wouldn’t ever find out. The Aussie had been so mad at him just a few days ago and today, that had gotten along more than just decently. Was it just because it was his birthday? Had Dan been raised that way?<br/>
Was the older one simply suppressing his actual thoughts and would they resurface once the day was over and Dan wouldn’t feel the social obligation to be nice to him anymore?</p><p>
  <em>Baby, it’s the crazy I like<br/>
I think I saw the world turn in your eyes<br/>
Baby, it’s the crazy I like</em>
</p><p>On the other hand, what was with Max’s own feelings? What about all these hateful things Dan had made him feel? No, it hadn’t been Dan that had been responsible for his homophobic thoughts. Dan had just been triggering them and Max wasn’t in the position to blame him for anything.<br/>
But why had the Aussie insisted on the fact that it had been Max that had deepened their kiss when it had clearly been the older one?<br/>
It <em>had</em> been Dan, hadn’t it? Max might have been drunk but not so drunk that he could not trust his own memories anymore, right?</p><p>
  <em>Maybe it’s the bullshit I miss<br/>
Screaming at the moon in black lipstick<br/>
Maybe it’s the bullshit I miss<br/>
It won’t get better than this</em>
</p><p>Max quickly looked away when Dan caught him staring from the corner of his eye.<br/>
“Would you like to be in a band?” Max asked, to not let an awkward silence fill the air between them again and Dan chuckled.<br/>
“You’ve heard me singing, mate.”<br/>
The Dutchman had to give him that and he shrugged his shoulders.<br/>
“Maybe you could play an instrument,” he suggested.<br/>
“An instrument?” Dan asked and actually seemed to think about the Dutchman’s suggestion.<br/>
“Yeah. Maybe the drums or something. You’ve got the physique for it.”<br/>
Max wanted to slap himself as soon as the words had left his mouth and couldn’t say that he didn’t deserve the smug smirk that immediately appeared on Dan’s face.<br/>
“I have the <em>physique for it</em>? Tell me more,” he grinned and crossed his arms in front of his chest and Max was pretty sure that the only reason he did that was to show off his biceps.<br/>
Max – naturally, because what else was he supposed to do – blushed and rolled his eyes.<br/>
“But the idea isn’t terrible, Maxy. I guess I’ll think about it.”<br/>
Max couldn’t really do anything but nod, definitely not staring at the still visible muscles of Dan’s arms.</p><p>Fortunately, Dan was busy silently humming along to the next song the band was playing shortly after that and Max could go back to watching the Australian from the side, trying to lie low.</p><p>
  <em>So hear this please<br/>
and watch as your heart speeds up endlessly<br/>
and look for the stars as the sun goes down<br/>
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound<br/>
Everything, everything’s magic</em>
</p><p>Dan caught Max gaze and smiled.</p><p>
  <em>Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight<br/>
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride<br/>
Reach out your hand, and I’ll make you mine<br/>
Everything, everything’s magic.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope everyone's doing alright &lt;3</p><p>All the love, <br/>Johanna</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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